Verbal bullies: how to deactivate them without getting hurt

Our conception of what violence is has long since abandoned the rigidity of yesteryear to include many behaviors that are not based on physical aggression. Insults and verbal attacks in general, for example, are also considered types of violence. In fact, they are one of the most common.

That is why it is very important to ask ourselves if we know how to deal with interactions with verbal aggressors, those people who systematically and sometimes almost unconsciously use words in order to damage the sense of dignity of others.

• You may be interested in: "Verbal aggression: keys to understanding this violent attitude"

What are verbal aggressors like?

There is no demographic or socio-economic profile of verbal abusers, but there are certain styles of behavior that define them. For example, a low resistance to frustration and impulsivity, which makes them, among other things, bad at following a line of reasoning in a debate or discussion.

Emotions linked to anger or contempt control the type of speech they use to explain their point of view, as well that the only aspect of the content of their message that they take care of is the one that expresses how little the person to whom they direct their aggressions is worth verbal.

Also are relatively incompetent at understanding arguments of others; if they make them feel bad, they act as if they weren't heard. Not because they are not very intelligent, but because of their high emotional involvement in the discussions, however minimal they may be. In addition, they try to make the others complicit in the disqualifications, mixing them with humor to ridicule the other.

Verbal aggressors are very numerous, since the use of insults and pejorative labels is relatively allowed in many contexts.

• Related article: "The 11 types of violence (and the different kinds of aggression)"

Symbolic and emotional disqualifications

Another aspect of verbal aggression is that it has even more indirect and subtle allies. They correspond to symbolic and emotional aggressions, which despite being non-verbal, they work through a code that transmits ideas and, therefore, can cause harm or discomfort.

Getting to recognize the cases of non-verbal symbolic disqualifications can become somewhat complicated in some cases, since that the margin for interpretation is wider, but in any case it must be clear that it is not something that can be admitted.

Any attack against us that does not occur physically, but through symbols and words, has an effect on us; Even if matter or energy is not seen flowing in our direction as it would if we were kicked, that does not mean that the insults and bad words are less real. Part of the assertiveness it consists of ensuring one's own dignity, and if the verbal aggressors compromise it, they must be confronted... but not in any way.

How to Deactivate a Verbal Bully

When someone uses a term used to disqualify (either an insult or a word used to minimize our opinion, such as "little" or "toddler") and We understand that it has been an unusual outburst, it is important to send the message that this specific behavior has clear consequences from that very moment. moment.

That is why, instead of worrying about refuting the content and arguments that the other has used, we must call attention to verbal aggression and not allow dialogue to continue flowing until the other person acknowledges her mistake and apologizes. No matter how important the other's argument may appear to be, it should be ignored until an apology is obtained.

This blocking of the conversation is presented as an incident whose responsibility lies with the other for breaking the rules of good communication. Thus, you are forced to choose between an option that will make him give up much of his position of fictitious superiority or another in which he shows his inability to maintain a dialogue without incurring in a very basic fault against which the smallest children are educated.

In case of repeat

When verbal abusers fall back into disqualification again and again, we must make our reaction follow the same rhythm; the dialogue is stopped as many times as necessary to focus all attention on verbal aggression.

When Apologies Don't Appear

In the event that the verbal aggressor refuses to acknowledge her mistake and does not apologize, the most effective thing to do is to make her pay for that as well. As? Carrying to the end the logic of the blocking of communication that we had followed up to that moment: physically leaving that place. This action will be an explicit and visible manifestation for all of the failure of the verbal aggressor's attempts to communicate.

If we remain on the site but refuse to speak to that person, the impact of that action is minor, because it goes unnoticed until the moments in which we are asked to say something.

Bibliographic references:

• Evans, P. (2009). The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Adams Media