How can we deal with childhood tantrums?

Surely this situation sounds familiar to you: a father who goes to look for his daughter at school and when he passes in front of a kiosk asks him disconsolately to buy him a chocolate bar. The father, who, as he well knows, has a snack waiting at home, tells him that he cannot buy it for her.

That's when the daughter realizes that her search for the chocolate bar is getting frustrated and that's when begins to scream, cry and even stretch the arm of her father to buy him what she wants. This is an unmistakable example of a tantrum. Let's see what this phenomenon consists of and how we can manage it in boys and girls.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

Why do tantrums occur?

Tantrums are a natural process that all human beings go through. A tantrum is nothing more than a form of expression of frustration at not being able to get what the person wants. In this case, that expression manifests itself through an explosion of anger, crying and uncontrolled rage.

Between 18 and 36 months, children go through the so-called primary tantrums. These are necessary for the psycho-emotional development of children. At this stage they seek to explore the world and begin to express their desires, beyond what the parents want them to do.

At this stage the child begins to develop her autonomy and begins to have his own desires. The way that the child at this age tries to express her preferences and likes are tantrums, since does not yet have a sufficiently developed language as to make requests to his parents.

On the other hand, at this stage they have not yet developed, at the brain level, the areas involved in self-control. That is why children initially begin to develop self-regulation and control of their emotions through tantrums.

Tantrums may mean that there is some other problem if they persist beyond 4 years and if it is very difficult to calm them down. In cases where the child always expresses frustration and anger through tantrums during this age, It may be indicating that something else is happening (parents' divorce, problems with other children, the arrival of a sibling, etc.).

What can we do before a tantrum?

As we have seen, tantrums are part of the evolutionary development of people. However, After 36 months of age, tantrums should begin to diminish considerably. Although they decrease, it is important to know what we can do so that they do not persist over time and progressively disappear.

First of all, there are factors that can increase the likelihood of a tantrum occurring: tiredness, sleep, hunger, unpleasant environmental conditions such as excess heat, cold, luminosity, etc. It is important that we take into account if the tantrum is occurring due to any of these factors and try to correct them.

But the truth is that in most cases tantrums are usually the expression of a frustrated desire when the child asks us for something and we do not give it to him or when we take away something that he wants or that was liking. It is in these moments when we must apply the following strategies.

1. Never give in to the tantrum

If through this behavior the boy or girl gets what she wants, only we will be teaching him that the tantrum is a means to get his wishes.

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2. Show calm

Or, at least, not show that we are affected by her tantrum.

3. Prevent possible situations

For example: if we know that she is hungry when leaving school, avoid going to places where she can ask us to buy something for her.

4. Try to divert your attention if we see that the tantrum is imminent

Usually, there are signs that tell us that she is beginning to get irritated. If we know how to identify these elements, we can capture her attention and focus it on something different to try to prevent the tantrum from appearing.

5. Not paying attention to crying

It is important that when the tantrum appears we do not pay attention. We must watch the boy or girl and what he does to prevent him from hurting himself but we must try to ignore him. We can change rooms in the house, continue as if nothing had happened. Our attention is the strongest reward for them and therefore we must teach them that with negative behaviors they will not get anything from us.

6. If we are away from home: we must try to avoid going through dangerous places

We avoid looking at him or answering him but at all times we look to know that he cannot hurt himself. If we see that she wants to flee we hold her so that she does not move but without saying anything.

The importance of showing coherence and consistency with the rules

It is important that we see that there will be times when we will surely end up giving in to her requests. In these cases you have to try to make him see that we have actually made the decision.

It must be considered that in boys and girls who have been carrying out these behaviors for a long time, change is not easy. In fact, when these techniques are applied, there is usually an initial opposite effect: tantrums increase considerably, since we have gone from giving her all our attention and everything she wants to take it off. Thus, initially the child will enhance their crying and anger because the frustration will be greater. It is important that we do not give in and stand firm. If not, we would be reinforcing her tantrums even more.

Finally, it is important that we reinforce them and pay attention to them when they do things well, when they calm down, when they are able to accept no to a request and when they regulate their emotions themselves. Everything else would be of no use if we do not make them see that when they are able to control their emotions and their behavior is when they will be able to obtain much more from us.

These are some guidelines that can help us with this complicated process that one goes through during childhood. But it is important that we consult a professional for cases in which we are not able to handle sudden mood swings and children's behavior.

It is very positive to stay informed about the different techniques and tools necessary to handle tantrums. At Mariva Psicólogos we constantly carry out workshops and trainings on different topics. On March 27 we will hold a workshop about tantrums and everything necessary to try to understand and address them. We will wait for you! To see our contact information, go to this page.