How to maintain good communication with our teenage children

If there is a stage that is characterized by difficulties, misunderstanding, changes and challenges, that is adolescence.

Despite the fact that during adolescence the relationships between peers and not so much the relationships established with fathers and mothers have greater weight, they do not for this reason important, but constitute a fundamental factor in creating one's own identity and help redefine parent-child roles within the family (Tesson and Youniss, 1995).

In recent decades, much research has been carried out aimed at finding out what factors influence the existence of good parent-child communication in adolescence (Cava, 2003).

For this reason, it is important to know which are the best strategies to communicate, since it will depend on it. To a greater or lesser extent, what type of relationship we establish with our sons and daughters at this very important stage.

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How to communicate effectively with our teens

Communicating is not imposing. Communicating is exchanging information, and communicating effectively represents that the other person has received our information. and that we have received yours, both parties without there being contradictory, ambiguous messages and where mutual respect prevails.

A very common mistake that is made during the communicative act is having an inappropriate objective. That is, trying to communicate something in order for the other person to give in to our information; not being clear about our goal or having contradictory goals at the same time.

What are the main failures in communication?

These are some common failures in communication processes.

1. Shout out

Trying to establish a proper conversation is of little use if we raise the volume and tone when speaking. When someone yells at us, it is easier for us to act defensively, so it is not the best strategy to achieve good communication.

2. Impose / Blackmail

One of the most common mistakes when it comes to having a conversation with our sons and daughters is imposing our “will”. If what you are looking for is to try to reach agreements with your child the worst thing you can do to achieve it is to use phrases like "I don't care what you say", "this is so, period", "You will do what I say", "you will not do that", "how you do that you will see ..."

3. Judge / criticize

If there is one thing that adolescents agree on, it is that most of them feel judged by their fathers and mothers, or else they they worry about being judged and for this reason they tend to avoid certain topics of conversation or prefer to lie instead of saying the truth. Thus It is important that when they are expressing themselves we try not to judge them, showing an open attitude to dialogue and making them see that it is normal to make mistakes on certain occasions (remember that you did it too).

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4. No listening

Another common failure is not listening. Stop to listen to them and try that if that is not the best time for you, you can postpone the talk for later, showing your child that what they want to say is important to you.

5. Not empathize

It is essential that we try to understand the emotions and thoughts of our children if we want them to feel comfortable talking to us. One of the most common mistakes is to think only that it is what we want or what we consider best for them, without considering what motivates them to act in a certain way or what they need at that moment.

So what can we do?

Something obvious would be to do the opposite of everything we just mentioned: empathize, listen, understand and speak with a good tone and volume. But let's focus on the following strategies:

1. Negotiate

Establish a dialogue in which to negotiate. If there is something that does not usually work with adolescents, it is imposition. You forbid them one thing and it seems that they have even more desire to do it, so it is important to reach agreements.

There will be times when we have to deny requests, but that is not why we will always do it, or we can try to reach intermediate agreements. Remember that to negotiate there will be times when you too will have to give in.

2. Show us open

We must be flexible to negotiate and to be able to agree on certain issues. This will make them feel more comfortable and more willing to communicate with us. Also it is important to show that we can be flexible with our own ideas.

3. Model

How do we expect our children to talk to us about their concerns and their feelings if we don't do the same? If from the beginning we are communicative, we explain to them how our day has gone, what they are our concerns and we explain what worries us, it will be much easier for them do.

Why is good communication so important?

As Cava (2003) shows in his study on family relationships, there is a positive relationship between adequate family communication and greater adolescent psychosocial well-being. Specific, greater openness in communication with parents is related to higher self-esteem and less depressed mood.

Adolescence is a difficult stage and it is usually when the greatest conflicts arise, especially due to the fact that the Adolescents increasingly prefer greater autonomy and parents do not always agree with this (Smetana, 1989). Despite this, as expressed by Musitu et al. (2001), family relationships constitute a fundamental aspect for the well-being of the adolescent person (Cava, 2003).

If you are an adult and want to improve the relationship you have with your child, or if you are an adolescent person who does not know what to do to be able to communicate effectively with their parents, you can request an appointment at our Mariva Psychologists center Valencia. To see our contact details, click click here.

Bibliographic references:

• Cava, M.J. (2003). Family communication and psychosocial well-being in adolescents. Proceedings of the VIII National Congress of Social Psychology, 2003, Vol 1 (1), 23-27.
• Musitu, G., Buelga, S., Lila, M. and Cava, M.J. (2001). Family and adolescence. A model of psychosocial analysis and intervention. Madrid: Synthesis.
• Smetana, J.G. (1989). Adolescents ’and parents’ reasoning about actual family conflict. Child
• Development, 60, 1052-1067.
• Tesson, G. and Youniss, J. (1995). Micro-sociology and psychological development: A sociological interpretation of Piaget’s theory. In A.M. Ambert (Ed.), Sociological studies of children (Vol. 7, pp. 101-126). Greenwich, CT: JAI.