Passive aggression: the silent enemy of relationships

Probably you, or someone you know, is having a difficult time when it comes to personal relationships.

For example, many people have felt that their attitude was disqualified or rejected and at the same time they fail to understand what was really causing this problem.

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A real case

Today we share with you Dominique's testimony, 34 years old, who came for professional help a few years ago due to a problem that is frequent but about which little is said. Dominique is a professional with multiple occupations that allow her to maintain a balance between work, life, personal growth and recreation. She has been related for the most recent 6 years with Noa, with whom she has shared her space and her free time for years.

Dominique she considers that she has led a normal life, she expresses that she from an early age she lived well; that although she grew up in a family that was not perfect due to the many arguments between her parents, these arguments did not she prevented him from staying away from the conflict and plunging into her fantasy, in those childhood games that allowed him to believe that everything was well.

She currently enjoys in adulthood what she considers a good quality of life; In addition, she has achieved some of the goals that she longed for the most and that she had set out to achieve. However, lately Dominique she feels that there are moments that are not allowing her to feel good, worries and problems that take her sleep. She believes that her inner peace is affected by attitudes that in her opinion are inappropriate on the part of Noa. She mentions that these attitudes are clearly marked by "wrong" ways of communicating with that person. During the most recent 2 months there have been moments of difficulty caused by attitudes that generate distancing. They are cut off.

Faced with this problem, Dominique has proposed to Noa that she go to receive professional attention; however, Noa seems to have found this offensive. The response that Dominique got from Noa was: "Take care of yourself."

Dominique has decided to seek professional help, and even when she sees that Noa shows no interest in changing this situation, she does not want her plans to be affected. her fulfillment and her life in general including also the professional aspect, for this reason what is happening and what it hurt. In addition, she considers her relationship with Noa as an important part of the balance in her relationship life. Noa is the person with whom Dominique shares much of her free time.

If Dominique has come to her for professional help it is because she does not care as a person, but she has come to think that there is no way to solve the problem and she fears that everything could be lost.

The conflicts have escalated to situations in which Dominique has a great desire to get away from her. She feels rejection and a lack of concern for her welfare.

Share space with a person who does not seem to have the slightest interest in cohabiting a space of harmonious and communicative way seems to Dominique much like living with someone strange on her own home.

Faced with this situation, the professional who has received Dominique's case has started by asking some questions. Once she has identified the problem and the intense discomfort the problem causes Dominique, our professional assesses and works to help her. Can identify what is defined as "passive aggression" or passive-aggressive behavior in Noa.

Ask other questions to find out if Dominique has ever assumed the same role as Noa; even if the conflict has escalated, if there are actions that complicate the solution by any of them: accusation, pointing out or disqualification towards the attitude that each person shows within the relationship...

Passive aggression problems

What you have read is part of a relational bond that is not easy to detect but affects relationships in millions of people around the world. Only a therapist with years of training and professional practice can best identify and address these types of problems.

Let's identify some of the reasons that today are causing what we call "passive aggression."

In a relationship, when one of the members has been denying their own wishes, needs and interests, subjecting almost every activity to the decision of the other person (such as hobbies, social events, specific times and days) to do what becomes activities within the relationship, sooner or later manifests an effect that causes distancing and a feeling of discomfort in some of the people.

Every relationship requires a balance that allows those who make it up to express their desires and needs. When a person within the relationship reaches the point of what has been called "helplessness" (the inability to express or "defend" what is important to him beyond the wishes of the another person) said relationship can lead over time into passive aggression as a consequence of one of the people not seeing her desires and needs resolved more important.

Like people, we might be tempted to look for the "culprit" of this that is causing discomfort to both parties within this bond.

Fortunately, our therapist has conducted multiple processes over the years that allow her to intervene professionally and first helps Dominique to rescue her well-being and her inner peace. She helps him avoid blaming himself for what is happening. Additionally, ask Dominique if some small changes in her relationship with Noa can help both of them without Dominique putting her on the line. assertiveness, incorporating the possibility that both people are willing to initiate that process by which things improve in a special.

We have known for decades that when only one of the people in a relationship goes to therapy, the reason for which she came is likely to be resolved; However, as there was no awareness on the part of those who did not participate in the process, as a change has not arisen in one of the people, in many cases the relationship cannot be rescued.

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Assertiveness as the basis of well-being and human relationships

As we define it, assertiveness, which comes from Latin assertus ("affirm"), can be interpreted as a need for which the person requires to affirm their expectations or desires, and that it is practiced without hurting or disregarding the needs and desires of others.

What in this case had been happening with Noa, and that our therapist had to elucidate in order to find a solution to Dominique's discomfort, is a dependency relationship in which there is a lack of assertiveness and, as a consequence, there is an imbalance in the needs of one of the people who make it up. However, in this situation it is not necessary to search for culprits.

If we start to analyze this case, we can conclude that Noa's attitude could have been crossed out or disqualified, but if we attend to her discomfort or "her reasons for her", even if they are not adequately expressed, we could be seeing, from her point of view, a “justified” attitude in which Noa might have thought that consideration was required for her trouble.

Attitudes depend largely on the justification we have for assuming them depending on what we have learned that works. In human communication, when something stops working, it becomes "dysfunctional" and the best opportunity to solve it is working on it taking into account all the people who are part of the system.

Are you looking for psychological support?

In each relationship and in each person, situations can be very different, and it is not correct to give the same answer to multifactorial problems and of very different origins. Ask about the situation that affects you so that you can have professional guidance from one of the therapists on our team.

With ENDI En Directo you have a multidisciplinary team at your service. Consult the therapist who will help you resolve communication situations without disqualifying or judging the attitude that is taking place in your experience; all of them could be addressed and resolved so that you achieve your goals. Helping you enjoy your life more and greater achievements is part of our job.

Note: The people referred to in this article have given written authorization to mention their case, as well as its evolution and the resolution of the problem addressed. In order to protect privacy and with the reservations of the case, the names of the people who authorized to share this testimony have been changed. In this way, current privacy protocols are respected..