How do I support my children when I get divorced?

Although the concept of "divorce" tends to have negative connotations, it is no less true that for many people this process is not particularly painful; in fact, it can be experienced as a liberation, depending on the circumstances (even if there is a relatively good relationship with our partner).

However, although these cases are not the most common, the cases in which there are minor children involved are even less frequent and they do not have a bad time. In general, the little ones in the house tend to feel bad when this break becomes official and It is clear that they will not coexist with their parents in the same way that most of the kids.

So, If you are a father or mother who has gone through or is going to go through a divorce and you want to give psychological support to your children before this event, keep reading. Here we will review the key ideas to consider.

• Related article: "Child therapy: what is it and what are its benefits"

How to support my children in my divorce?

There is no way to fully protect our children from the psychological distress triggered by parental divorce; these kinds of feelings are part of his way of interpreting the world and your family, and trying to totally suppress any trace of emotional pain is not only realistic, but illegitimate: it would involve total control of your mind.

What we can do as parents is give them the necessary tools to better assimilate that event and accept it in the best possible way, helping them not to enter into dynamics of self-sabotage and dysfunctional management of emotions.

In cases where children feel very bad about the divorce of mom and dad, it is best to go to a psychologist. But in other cases, it may be enough to adopt certain parenting and communication strategies with them. Let's see several of them below.

1. Explain what is happening by showing that you care how he feels

For better and for worse, your parents' divorce is part of your life, so you have to act accordingly and explain what is happening. This explanation does not have to be very detailed and must be adapted to the degree of understanding that you have according to your age, but it is It is important that it contains the basic information on or referring to how you will live from that moment and how is the treatment between your parents.

2. Make it clear that it is not their fault

Faced with the divorce of their parents, many children believe that they are partly to blame. That is why it is important to reassure them and make them see that this is not the case, and even that it is not good to think in terms of culprits who must "pay" for what is done.

• You may be interested in: "Life after a marriage breakdown"

3. Show him that you're there for him or her, and that hasn't changed

For many youngsters, it is hard to see their parents for the first time go into an emotional crisis and feel sad and down for a while, something that can happen in the event of a divorce.

Even in situations like this, it is important that you let him know that they should not feel responsible for your well-being, and that you continue to have the role of a protective figure that gives them love and all the resources they need to move forward. In the same way, you can get the message across that even adults go through times of discomfort. emotional, that this is completely normal, and that does not imply that you cannot get out of that kind of potholes.

4. If you have a conflictive relationship with your ex, do not involve your child

In the event that you do not have a good relationship with your ex-husband or ex-wife, it is important that you do not involve your son or daughter in that fight. Without completely hiding the fact that the treatment is not characterized by affection and mutual understanding (doing so could generate frustration and disappointment), the ideal is to be clear that the conflict is between the two of you, and that it is not a war in which to choose side. If not, you will be adding reasons to feel bad, seeing yourself in a very complicated situation.

5. Propose the idea of ​​attending psychotherapy

It is good that you propose the possibility of going to the psychologist even if he is sad but in your opinion he does not have a bad enough time to seek professional help. You may be trying to suppress your feelings pretending to be better than he is, and in these cases, giving him facilities to allow himself to be helped is the best.

Do you need professional psychological help?

If you are going through an emotional crisis related or not to the family environment, I invite you to contact me. I am a FEAP federated psychologist with more than 20 years of experience helping people. I offer face-to-face sessions in my office in Seville and also online sessions by video call.