Ghosting: cutting off the relationship without warning or saying why

Let's put ourselves in a situation: you've been meeting someone for a few months. The interaction is good and fluid, talking every day through WhatsApp and meeting from time to time. But one day, you send a message and it gets no response. Days go by and this continues. You send another one again, and another one, but even though you know that the other person has seen them, they don't answer. What's more, two days later you realize that he has blocked you, and you don't hear from him again.

What happened? Basically the person has intentionally cut off all contact with you. This is a case of ghosting, an increasingly generalized phenomenon that can have significant psychological repercussions.

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What is ghosting?

At the social level (since there is another phenomenon with the same name linked to the superposition of images), ghosting is understood as that situation in the that a person, suddenly, voluntarily ceases contact with another with whom he had a certain prior communication as a way of ending said relationship. In other words, it is about disappearing completely from someone else's life without saying anything to them or notifying them of the end of the interactions.

Ghosting is a practice that has become popular with the arrival of social networks, especially with the emergence of networks like WhatsApp and Telegram or social networks like Facebook. But although the term has become popular now, it is not something as new as it may seem: what now It is done on social networks in the past it was done by phone, for example by not answering calls.

It is a phenomenon especially common in dating or meeting apps, tiring one of the parties of the interaction and ignoring the attempts of the other to communicate. However, it does not only occur in these types of applications, but it can also occur between people who have known each other for a long time. For ghosting to take place, there must be a prior real communication (it would not be considered as such that we never had answered or there was no fluid communication, no matter how much one of the parties had tried contact).

The slow fade

There is another similar way of acting, called "slow fade", in which the people who practice it also cease contact with the other but in a much more gradual way. Small oversights and difficulties in seeing or speaking are faked, attributable to things like work or having things to do more and more frequently until communication ceases.

It is a type of disappearance that makes those who practice it think that they have not abandoned the relationship, avoiding to some extent the feeling of guilt that might cause you to end the relationship directly. Now, this does not mean that everyone who reduces their level of communication with us is trying disappear from our lives: it may be that due to various circumstances I cannot really pay attention or prioritize other things.

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Causes of this phenomenon

Once ghosting is defined, one may wonder why this attitude. The truth is that the reasons that each person may have to carry it out can be very different. One of the main causes is social: we have become accustomed to maintaining superficial relationships and to have a rather individualistic stance. We value relationships less and do not tend to delve too deeply into them.

In addition, new technologies offer us the possibility of not offering an answer in response, something to which people have become accustomed. Many of the people who practice it see it even normal, being used to this type of behavior. However, with few exceptions, it usually indicates a lack of education or an attempt to flee from a relationship. It is also related to the increasing difficulty for empathy in individualistic societies. Here are some possible causes of ghosting.

1. Fear / Run away

One of the parties involved may have done or said something that has hurt, offended or frightened the other, wanting to stop communication immediately. It is also a possible valid response in cases of harassment or to end toxic relationships. Sometimes it can also be used in people who remind us of these experiences or of people or situations that have hurt us.

2. Lack of interest

Another option, much more frequent, is that the person who stops contact has simply lost all interest, or that it has never been too high and don't really value contact with the other. Also that there was another person whom he prioritized, or even who does not want to make the end of the relationship clear in case at some point the opportunity reappears. This is frequent when the contact with the other person is recent and there is no true connection between the two, as in the applications to flirt.

3. Conflict avoidance

Another option, which occurs especially when ghosting occurs to end a more or less established relationship or in people, is based on the fear of doing harm or facing and see how the communication of the termination of the relationship generates discomfort in the other person, having difficulty determining to make the other see that you want to end the relationship.

Not knowing how to deal with what the other might say, or avoiding the discomfort of seeing how the other suffers, are usually reasons why ghosting can appear. So it can also be a way to avoid the discomfort of seeing the other have a bad time. There may also be a belief that this procedure causes less pain and feelings of rejection in the other.

4. Punishment

It can also be understood as a somewhat immature form of punishment: disappearing from someone's life without saying why can be seen as a way of hurting the other person and forgetting about them, as occurs in some cases of infidelity.

Effects of ghosting

Ghosting is a practice that can have a series of repercussions on those who suffer from it. Although in the case of someone little known or a superficial contact it does not go beyond a slight annoyance and anger, but it can be very painful if we are talking about someone whom we have really valued for weather. An example of this is found in the sudden cessation of communication between couples more or less consolidated or highly valued friendships. And it is that the fact that someone suddenly ceases a contact can generate great anguish.

The person who is waiting for the contact may feel great pain being ignored, feeling someone despised. In addition, it must face the uncertainty of what has happened, something that in many cases is unknown, and the absence of response and a why to the situation seems like something unfair and disproportionate. In cases of long relationships, the subject may go through a phase of mourning.

Ghosting leaves the subject with the uncertainty of what has happened and whether or not the relationship has ended, leaving you insecure and producing more prolonged pain. It also makes it difficult for me to trust later relationships later: if I have been abandoned suddenly and unexpectedly, it can easily happen again. In addition to this, people who suffer from depression, anxiety or previous self-esteem problems can see their fears and negative thoughts exacerbated and confirmed by feeling abandoned.

Who ceases contact may have regretsOr, you can incorporate ghosting into your behavioral repertoire (if you didn't already have it) and do it more frequently to end unwanted relationships. On the other hand, those people who carry it out out of fear and avoidance of conflict do not face said fear, prolonging it and even making it worse by being able to fix this behavior as a pattern habitual.

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What to do with someone who ignores us?

Ghosting is, nowadays, a frequent reality that many of us are going to face sooner or later. This is something that can be difficult to react to. It is recommended that we do not jump to hasty conclusions in the first place, since after all there may be something happened that makes him unable or unwilling to answer without actually wanting to disappear from the life of the other. You can try sending a message after some time asking if it is okay.

However, if time passes and the person still does not answer, it is time to start accepting that maybe i lost interest. It is about recognizing it, and (although it may be more difficult than it seems) after that stop trying to contact.

We must try to think and work to realize that this ending is not our fault or decision. If it occurs in a relationship that was fluid it is easy that we need an explanation, but we have to try stop looking for it: the other person has no intention of offering it to us and we have to continue with our lifetime. It is important too that we do not identify this behavior as something normal, and that we try that this fact does not burden future relationships: not everyone is going to do the same to us. And although initially we may feel very bad, it is advisable not to stop doing activities or lock up, but to continue pursuing our goals and trying to enjoy our leisure.