Children in the Face of Death: Helping Them Cope with Loss

It is commonly believed that children do not grieve the death of a loved one in the same way that adults do, because they are unable to openly express their feelings.

Children face death according to their age Y stage of development, but the way in which they manage to face this event depends on the accompaniment and management by the adults. The deaths that can affect a child the most is that of one of his parents, especially that of his mother.

Ages of the child and their grieving process

Under 3 years

A child under the age of three does not have the cognitive ability to understand what death is. If her mother is absent due to death or illness she will perceive it as abandonment and will reflect it with insecurity, if the mother dies, the longing for her mother to return will persist for years. At this age they tend to manifest apathy, irritability, passivity, loss of sleep and weight.

From 4 to 6 years

From four to six years, the way of thinking of children is concrete, so they conceive of dead people as sleeping and believe that they can be "awakened" from death

. At this age they still cannot understand that there may be something after death, as it is beyond their cognitive ability. It is likely that at this age they constantly need to be reminded that the person has died and will not return.

At this age they usually manifest with setbacks such as bedwetting, fear of separation and abandonment, loss of sleep and appetite, guilt and tantrums. Many times his behaviors are focused on being treated like smaller babies.

From 6 to 9 years

From six to nine years they already manage to understand the concept of death, sometimes personify the dead as ghosts or angels, however, they perceive death as something alien to them. When a child of this age aggressively expresses his grief, we are faced with a Defense mechanism to prevent the pain from affecting you more. Other children tend to show a lot of curiosity about death as a way of accepting what has happened, they can also begin to show new fears.

From this age on, if they are indifferent to the event, it may be because of embarrassment to express their feelings and not precisely because of repression.

From 9 years of age

After 9 years they already manage to understand death as inevitable and irreversible even for themselves. However, their duel is still complicated. They may present anhedonia, guilt, anger, shame, anxiety, mood swings, eating and sleeping disorders.

How to talk to the children of death?

When there is a terminal diagnosis of someone close to the child, heor better is to say it openly and begin to explain what death is. When we anticipate events for children, they become less stressful than they would be without anticipation. It is important to tell them the truth with a very specific vocabulary, such as "he is going to die", "he has died" and not to say "he is can interpret that the person has gone to another place and has not said goodbye to them, which could lead to more anger, pain and anxiety.

When telling you that someone has died, it is important to talk about your natural feelings about this event: “We are sad because he has died and we are going to miss him ”, so the child will understand that what he feels is sadness and it is normal for him to be sad feeling. When breaking the news, it is best that adults do not hide their feelings but also do not show excessive emotions that could scare them.

Religious beliefs and grieving processes in children

At this time, regardless of religious beliefs, the way in which speaks of God because it could generate anger towards the "figure" who has decided to take his mother or his her father. All the questions that arise for the child must be answered in the most concrete and simple way possible.

Tips: support, closeness and understanding

Children should also participate in the rituals that are carried out to dismiss the person who has died, since rituals help us to close cycles and taking advantage of that moment of "goodbye" can help the child to better elaborate his duel. Do not forget that grief in children can last for months or even years, patience is necessary at all times.

At this time, seeking support networks with friends and family can also help the adults close to the grieving child. Each child is different and will grieve in her own way, but regardless of age it is advisable to seek advice from a thanatologist or child psychologist who guides both the child and the family for a good resolution.