Validate and advance as parents, as children ...

If you are parents, it is likely that on more than one occasion you have received a call or held countless meetings at school and / or in other areas due to disruptive or maladaptive behaviors of your children.

These behaviors can encompass an amalgam of situations: "does not relate properly to his peers", "does not respect the norms "," does not tolerate limits "," has aggressive behaviors "," does not attend "," is unmotivated "," does not respect the figures of authority"...

Some of these statements may be familiar to many. Others will even be used to hearing more than one. Sometimes these can be overwhelming, and when it comes to adolescence... the portrait can be even more daunting.

• Related article: "The exercise of parenthood: repentant mothers and fathers?"

Coping with the complexity of parenting

It is also very common for parents with children to have personal, coexistence, school and / or social difficulties (I do not know any who do not have them to a lesser or greater extent), constantly receive messages (directly or subtly) about how to better educate their children or about positive parenting role models and effective.

Sources can be very diverse: other parents, teachers, relatives, friends, educators, social workers, psychologists, the media... and in a multitude of formats, formal (educational workshops, talks or other interventions) and informal.

The amount of information can be huge. On many occasions these messages have a protective and effective function, that is, they help; in others, however, they can have a responsible and blaming look.

In the latter, the word "should" becomes common in multiple social interactions until it is internalized by the person in the form of thoughts and emotions.

Frequently, it is even the parents themselves who end up immersing themselves in a state of guilt and helplessness that limits their ability to exercise their parental functions with an appropriate perception of self-efficacy. In others, we shift responsibility or express anger on others in order to protect our self-esteem. and / or self-concept, constituting this, on the other hand, a very human behavior when we feel judged or attacked.

Professionals who work with families, especially with parents and children or adolescents, know the importance of pay attention to the thoughts, feelings and emotions experienced by both parents and children in the face of personal difficulties and / or other stressful events that interfere in the positive evolution of the family system as a whole. In fact, it is they who most often suffer from the difficulties of adaptation to different social contexts! Therefore, the active listening, understanding, empathy and accompaniment are elementary functions of the therapeutic relationship.

Negative emotions are helpful too

As professionals we know the power of emotions such as guilt, shame or fear. They are usually perceived in a negative way because they generate a lot of discomfort and / or suffering. However, all emotions, both those rated positive and negative, are essential for social adjustment and personal adjustment. In this way, guilt and shame have a function of personal and social self-regulation that allow us to learn, correct mistakes, empathize and, in general, direct our efforts to act in line with personal values ​​and social.

Especially guilt is intrinsically linked to the moral development of the individual and hence its adaptive value. However, when guilt is not adaptive, it interferes with self-regulation and personal and social development. It plunges us into a spiral of rumination, devaluation, anxiety, depression, hopelessness... It prevents us from learning and moving forward.

In the same way, fear or anxiety have an important protective function because it allows us to pay attention to and react to danger. However, when it becomes maladaptive, it interferes with adequate coping with threats, challenges, crises... In such a case, we perceive these situations as overflowing with our personal resources.

The importance of emotional management in family relationships

Thus, we have all felt guilty, ashamed, sad, worried or angry in a variety of contexts and situations. Fatherhood is not without these emotions. They are adaptive for our role as parents, and also for our role as children, siblings ...

The problem arises when the expression of these emotions significantly interferes with family and social dynamics., in a way that prevents self-regulation as an individual and as a family and social system, with its healthy development, and that, therefore, may require a therapeutic process that favors the reestablishment of balance or homeostasis.

For the above, this therapeutic process should focus on understanding emotions and their components (cognitive, affective and behavioral). But not only are active listening, understanding and empathy necessary in the therapeutic approach. Even training the person in coping techniques of various kinds may be insufficient without something essential! And this is nothing other than validation.

Validating means accepting emotions without judgment, without reproach... Accept that at that moment our thoughts, emotions and behaviors were what they were and could not be otherwise in that given situation, because we did not know or could not with the tools that we had.

It is not about justifying, quite the opposite. It is about using guilt, shame, fear and sadness to move forward, to learn and focus effort on the process of change and improvement, it is about recovering the adaptive function of those emotions, restoring the Balance.

In short, in any therapeutic relationship, the validation of the professional is essential and the self-validation of the person himself is essential to promote the process of change. Validate to move forward, as parents, as children, as people ...