Keys to improving your personal relationships by working on you

Human beings are above all social beings, we are immersed in a constant relationship: with ourselves, with the world, also with others.

Our well-being, personal development and also self-knowledge depend on several factors, and the quality of Your personal relationships is essential (either as a couple, family, social, friendly or in your environment professional). What are the problems we have? Why happens? How can we solve them?

• Related article: "What is social psychology?"

Improve relationships by working on yourself

The only way to achieve changes in our lives is through our own personal change. After all, we cannot control the world or others, but we can learn to know ourselves, discover how we manage situations and how to better manage them.

One of the most common mistakes we make is to think that our well-being depends only on our relationship with ourselves, and it is not. Being social beings, our well-being also depends, in part, on the quality of our relationships with others. In fact, there is no greater tool for self-knowledge than personal relationships (we truly know each other through an encounter with the other).

We live in an individualistic world oriented towards consumption and materialism. Our own social context has led to personal relationships becoming increasingly complicated (Faced with more individualism, more selfishness, less ability to connect with the other, more fear and insecurity). So is it necessary to have relationships to feel good and happy? The people with whom you relate (your partner, friends, family, etc.) will not give you happiness... But the fact that those relationships are positive will help, and a lot.

In the last 10 years I have accompanied people as a psychologist and coach in their change processes, and in a significant number of cases there were difficulties in their personal relationships, either as a main cause or as a secondary cause of another trouble. Many of these people had difficulties to connect with others, they were isolated, or they did have relationships but they lived them since the conflict. On many occasions I have been asked: "Rubén, where is the problem? Why is my relationship so difficult? " The problem is not one of character, but one of how we have learned to manage certain situations and the vision we have of ourselves. We are going to delve into the problem, and from there, to the solution (which will be what really changes your life).

Causes of the problem in your personal relationships

The difficulties we have in our personal relationships are multiple and would give more for a book than for an article; However, can be summarized in two depending on the emotional state that conditions us.

On the one hand, there are the difficulties that arise through an active and unpleasant emotional state, such as anger: frequent discussions, need for control, imperative communication, fruit of expectations, demands or lack of agreements. These kinds of difficulties lead us to conflict with all kinds of personal relationships.

On the other hand, we have the difficulties that appear when you are conditioned by a very paralyzing and also unpleasant emotional state, such as fear and insecurity: not knowing how to set limits, being afraid of what they will say, paralyzing you when it comes to meeting a person (or not even trying), etc.

All the difficulties that we may have in our relationships fall into these two groups. Why happens? Before delving into the factors, I leave you a video where I tell you first-hand the main causes of problems in personal relationships and their solutions.

The main psychological causes of these difficulties are as follows.

1. Communication difficulties

You don't say what you want, what you don't want, what you can, or what you can't. For fear of the other's rejection, their anger or what they will say, you do not communicate assertively but you give in to what others want. This causes isolation and an unpleasant feeling of not being you or not living your own life. The opposite can also happen: communicating in an impetuous, imperative or coerced manner, which reflects a need to be in control (a sign of a dysfunctional way of managing fear and unsafety).

2. Guilt

The blame is actually a fear of how your actions may have affected or affected others. In this case, the problem is that your well-being is conditioned by external factors that you cannot control (the other's feelings, their thoughts, etc.).

3. Insecurity and fear

Due to what you fear that may happen in your relationships (or in your attempt at a relationship), you decide to paralyze yourself. This is a paradox. Precisely because of the prediction we make through fear, we foster what we fear: rejection and isolation.

4. Control and anger

Control and anger is another manifestation of fear and insecurity. Instead of paralyzing yourself, you try to be in control of your relationships through expectations and demands., as well as disappointments. This causes frequent conflicts, arguments, or leads you to see the other in a more and more negative way.

• You may be interested in: "Personal Development: 5 reasons for self-reflection"

Improve the quality of your personal relationships through your own change

Whatever your case, the solution to improve the quality of your personal relationships is always in live a process of personal change in which you understand what you are feeling, what emotion conditions you, how you are managing it now, and above all, how you can learn to manage it from functional way so that instead of limiting or harming you, it helps you to better connect with the other (assertive and empathic communication), you learn to manage fear of rejection and improve your ability to accept differences, reach agreements and connect with the other in an empathic way (without coercing or impose).

We are emotional beings and we feel emotions every second of the day. Emotions influence you in all areas of your life: in your actions, interpretations, decisions, in your way of communicating and relating. Having them working for you rather than against you helps you live with greater acceptance, trust, and curiosity rather than fear, anger, insecurity, or guilt.

This is the change that improves your personal relationships, since helps you build confidence, dare to connect with the other and express what you feel and need, as well as to accompany the other in an empathic way (as in the case of friends, family or the professional field).

Now I am going to make you a special proposal. If you want to live that process of personal change or take a first step, I invite you to visit empoderamientohumano.com. There you will find an option to schedule an exploratory session with me, so that we discover what the problem is in your case, find a solution and see how I can accompany you. In your personal change is the change you need for everything else to improve. If your relationships work, everything else will be easier.