Emotional dependency: pathological addiction to your partner

Psychological consultations receive a lot of people every day who have a common problem: emotional dependence.

This picture can be observed when the person who suffers it remains in a state of extreme filiation towards your sentimental partner, because there is a great need to maintain the emotional bond and affection.

Emotional dependency: what is it?

As with other dependencies, such as addiction to the use of toxic substances, emotional dependency operates through mechanisms of positive reinforcement, which ends up generating psychological dependence on the subject. Emotional dependence affects women and men equally.

However, men tend to hide this problem because they feel less able to recognize that they are "emotionally attached" to another person. Because of the shame in expressing the problem, some men have more severe dependency pictures.

Who suffers from emotional dependence?

Although many times this situation may be transitory, the most common is that the pattern of emotional dependence in the subject is observed throughout his life and with the different partners he has

. This sentimental dependence does not refer to material reasons (such as an economic dependence), but refers to the need for love and affectionate bond. People who suffer from it have a great fear of being alone and cannot conceive their life if it is not next to a sentimental partner.

It is significant that many of the people who are emotionally dependent look for partners with a dominant character, with a psychological profile that tends towards the selfishness and the narcissism, possessive, authoritarian and despotic. In some cases, the emotional dependent refers to having suffered some type of physical or psychological abuse on the part of his partner, which is not strange considering the profile that we have discussed. The dependent person tends to idealize her spouse, living in a certain submission to him.

The affected person is capable of recognizing the mistreatment and contempt that she suffers on a daily basis, but she does not have the capacity to stop being "hooked" on her partner. He asks for forgiveness even for things they haven't done, in order to be tender and submissive to his partner; to win your approval and love. They can also spend a lot of money on gifts and in general they will maintain an attitude of attention and gestures with which to keep the couple happy and satisfy them at all times.

Causes

Usually, the background of the dependency problem lies in a poor self esteem, which leads the emotional dependent to systematically devalue themselves. They are critical of themselves and their way of being, to the point of feeling inferior and guiltyeven of the contempt they may receive from their romantic partners. The situation becomes even more unsustainable with the passage of time, in which the course of the relationship exacerbates the subordinate relationship of the emotional dependent with respect to his partner, who exercises a dominant role.

In this way, the dominant person's contempt for the emotional dependent increases, taking her subordination to the extreme. It is also common to observe that these types of relationships end up breaking in a short time, but that does not solve the problem. The clerk will try to return a thousand times with his ex-partner, in the same way that the drug addict manages to obtain the substance and consume again. This dynamic leads to a situation of vicious circle, since the contempt of the dominant increases, as well as decreases the self-esteem and dignity of the emotionally dependent person. The person who suffers from this type of emotional dependence needs to remain in contact with her partner, and if the bond is completely broken, a kind of emotional withdrawal syndrome.

Break up with friends and family

In these cases, angry confrontations with friends and family. The emotional dependent realizes that his relatives are trying to advise him that his psychological situation in the relationship is not the most appropriate, but he insists on defending his relationship. Although the relatives see closely that the suffering caused by this pathological relationship does not stop, the dependent usually confronts them and will defend the situation, reaching out to demand special treatment from those close to the other person.

The comorbidity of emotional dependence is associated with anxious pictures or depressive, apart from the lack of self-esteem that we have already mentioned, which is increased by becoming aware that is crawling to regain the love of someone who not only does not love you but also despises and mistreats you.

In this table, it is very common to observe that the dependent person firmly believes that his partner is superior and therefore deserves that everyone around him recognize this and fill him with praise and respect. This can lead to a breakdown in the relationship with friends and family, which causes their emotional dependence to be reinforced since they will only find support in their partner. As we can see, this is another dynamic in which a vicious circle is entered.

Pathological altruism

The affected person may go to the point of abandoning their own work responsibilities in order to have the time necessary to satisfy the needs of the spouse. The family, work, social and psychological impairment of the emotional dependent can reach worrying limits.

In the event that the dependent has children, it is common for her children to have behaviors and attitudes of contempt towards him. They learn to despise someone who shows neither authority nor dignity. Signs of deterioration in the children's relationship with the authoritarian parent are also usually perceived, since he tends to be a selfish and despotic person who does not express too much love or concern for his child.

Psychotherapy: addressing the problem

It is essential to quickly start the psychological therapy in order to get emotionally detached from the partner. Failure to do so and continue in negative dynamics can lead to dire consequences, since it is not uncommon for contempt to go from neglect to psychological abuse and even physical abuse in the end. To avoid getting into increasingly dangerous dynamics, it is important start psychological treatment early, although this in practice is difficult to achieve.

As in the different addictions, the first step is for the affected person to be able to recognize that he has a problem and he decides to find a way to solve it. This point is very difficult: the clerk will be able to find multiple excuses and justifications for his behavior. They tend to be of the type: "You don't know him / her well", "She loves me very much", "No one is perfect", "The fault is mine too"... It is practically It is impossible to make a therapy work that has not been required by the affected person, and as with other addictions, it will be necessary a absolute break with partner.

Do you know someone who is emotionally dependent?

The best advice to give to someone whose family member or friend is an emotional dependent are:

• Never give in to the demand to maintain an exquisite treatment towards the dominant person.

• You should stay with the dependent person, but do not show yourself an accomplice in their unhealthy relationship.

• You can talk with the affected person and make him understand that he can count on you and the family.

• If you finally decide ask for help To break away from the situation, it is necessary that you welcome him and prevent any contact with the couple.

• It is also a good idea to accompany him to therapy. The psychologist will not only help find the best way for the affected person, but also provide some guidelines to family and friends to reverse the situation, as well as some advice for specific doubts.

Bibliographic references:

• Castelló Blasco, J. The fear of rejection in emotional dependence and borderline personality disorder.
• Congost. S. Affective dependency manual.
• Ruiperez, D and L. Wolf. L. My mind is my enemy.