Why can't I find a partner? 6 possible causes

Problems finding a mate are a relatively common form of discomfort in adults, and can even facilitate the development of significant psychological problems. That is why many of the people who go to psychotherapy do so from a very specific complaint: "I don't understand why I can't find a partner and that makes me feel very bad."

However, these kinds of difficulties are multi-causal and complex, since there are a wide variety of reasons why it can be difficult to connect with someone.

In this article we will do a brief review of the most frequent reasons for this apparent inability to find a partner, both with regard to the way of interacting with others and with regard to the management of emotions and expectations.

• Related article: "The 5 main characteristics of a toxic relationship"

Why can't I find a partner? Possible causes of the problem

As I mentioned, problems finding a stable partner are among the most common complaints frequent of those who decide to go to the psychologist (regardless of whether they have developed a or not). In therapy they learn, among other things, that behind a form of discomfort that is apparently well defined, it is homogeneous and can be easily expressed with a "no partner",

there are several fronts on which to learn and improve, and many of them do not even have to do with developing charisma or the ability to seduce.

And it is that in order to overcome this kind of difficulties, the first thing is to become aware of the different triggering causes that exist. after them, without falling into the simplistic analyzes of the type "I am incapable of liking anyone" or "with my physique it is normal that I fail in the love".

In this sense, although the best thing in these cases is by far to go to the psychologist (because in this way a professional analyzes our case in a personalized way and adapted to our characteristics and needs), here we will review several possible causes of difficulties in finding a partner.

1. Communication skills problems

When we think about the problems when it comes to finding a partner, we usually tend to think of these types of causes by default: the lack of communication skills.

Although in this aspect there are several “fronts” that can be worked on, three of them are worth highlighting.

1.1. Lack of assertiveness

This is reflected above all in the tendency to take a passive role in conversations, of simply answering what the other says, without wanting to contribute. It usually occurs in people with a lack of self-esteem or who believe that they do not have interesting ideas to contribute to a conversation, and also in those who fear to upset the interlocutor.

1.2. Lack of listening skills

It is not enough to be silent when the other person speaks: it is also important to know how to pay attention to what they are saying and demonstrate that attention is paid, incorporating into our own discourse elements of what that person has saying.

1.3. Misuse of non-verbal language

Non-verbal communication is very important especially in contexts in which we want to show our personality to someone who knows us little. it implies control of certain movement patterns when interacting with someone.

• You may be interested in: "The 10 pillars for perfect non-verbal communication"

2. Problems in emotional management skills

When we think about the problems when it comes to finding a partner, we usually tend to think by default as much about the causes of the previous section as in these that refer to the management of emotions when knowing people. Combined, these two shape what we know as social skills..

Regarding this section, a bad handling of emotions when establishing the first shots of Contact with someone we like or are interested in as a potential partner can lead to the following problems.

2.1. Excess of nerves and anxiety

The fear of not making a good first impression it makes some people get nervous, focusing more on their own gestures and words than on the fluidity of the interaction itself.

• You may be interested in: "Nerves and stress: what is anxiety for?"

2.2. Fear to fail

Some people are confident when meeting people, but do not dare to take the step of showing interest in the other person so as not to expose themselves to the possibility of rejection. This makes them much less likely to enter into relationships based on intimacy, because they do not show signs of wanting to commit.

3. Problems in managing expectations

Finally, it should be noted that poor management of one's expectations also makes finding a partner very difficult. This can occur, for example, assuming a totally unreal boyfriend or girlfriend ideal, or being more aware of family interests or social prestige than of one's own happiness and tastes.

Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you want to have psychological assistance to improve your communication or social skills, or those skills related to emotional management, I invite you to contact me. I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral model, and I serve adults and adolescents both in Madrid and remotely through the online modality by video call.