Traumatic grief: definition, symptoms and how to overcome it

Death and grief are events from which we cannot escape. Although painful, the cycle of life forces us to live these stages, overcome them and adapt ourselves to life as best we can.

The problem is that, contrary to popular belief, time does not heal everything and all deaths are not equal. The closeness of the bond with the deceased, the situation in which the death occurs, external support and personality traits of the bereaved (one who loses a close being) are some of the variables that influence the resolution or stagnation of the duel.

• Recommended article: "The 8 types of grief and their characteristic symptoms"

What is traumatic grief?

Traumatic grief those that occur with the death of one or more people in a surprise situation, unexpected and unfair, such as attacks, terrorism, assassinations, natural disasters or accidents, among others, are possibly the worse prognosis, along with the death of a child, which has been considered one of the worst losses that a human being can to experience. That is why I want to talk not only about death and grief, but especially about these kinds of traumas that are so unfair and difficult to overcome.

Not only does death hurt, you have to pay special attention to post-traumatic stress:

When we talk about trauma of any kind, psychologists turn on the alert of the Posttraumatic stress that the sufferer may be suffering: re-experimentation of what happened, nightmares, avoidance of stimuli reminiscent of the event, dissociative states, anxiety attacks, insomnia, hypervigilance... When there is this type of symptomatology, the duel becomes complicated and can stagnate in some of its phases.

Painful emotions: shame and guilt

In a duel it is normal to feel anger and sadness, it is totally adaptive and necessary to get used to a new reality without the deceased person. But feeling guilt and shame can be the start of an unresolved grief. Guilt is often felt for not being the ones who died, along with repetitive and obsessive thoughts around "what if ..." or "I would have to ..." (and if I had not gone up to the train / and if I hadn't insisted on coming / I shouldn't have told him this or that, I should have helped him take care of himself, he should have paid more attention ...).

Shame arises before the society that follows its life, for being "different" or for not wanting to show our feelings in public. Both emotions can block the resolution of the loss, not only at the mental level, but at the level sensorimotor (body), leaving unconscious memories in the body that block the process of duel.

Hatred

Another emotion that can make it difficult to resolve your grief is hatred., especially if it is due to an accident, a terrorist act or a murder. Hatred towards the one who commits injustice blocks progress in the phases of grief, leaving the person anchored in the past and, along with it, in pain.

What can be done to overcome death?

To say that a person has overcome the death of a loved one, they must come to accept the loss. Duels usually have a series of non-linear phases (although they usually do occur sequentially), but it is common for there to be setbacks or mix of emotions. For didactic reasons, I will present them in series: denial, rage, sadness, negotiation and acceptance.

• In this article you have extended information: "The 5 stages of grief (when a relative dies)"

1. Denial of reality

The first of them is, as the name suggests, denying reality, not believe what happened. This occurs because the high emotional impact of the loss would be unbearable on a conscious level, so our mind uses this defense to cushion the blow of the news, at least momentarily.

2. Anger, sadness and negotiation

Then he would go to anger, followed by sadness and negotiation (negotiate with life the new present reality, start to assume the person in the past, see the new way of living, etc.) to finally end up accepting that nothing is like before.

As I said, the phases can mix with each other, this is normal, what is pathological or worrisome is to remain anchored in one of the phases, how can it be the person who years later continues to prepare the table for the deceased as if he were still among us (this would be a denial of the reality).

3. Acceptance and hope to continue living

In order to overcome a loss we have to take an active role as agents of our own mental change to be able to go from pain to hope to live.

Therapy: processes that help us overcome severe grief

For this reason, psychologists like to talk more about "activities" of grief instead of phases or stages. If you feel the pain of loss, follow these tips:

1. Express pain

Being positive is fine and can help you through grief, but death, at least in our culture, hurts. It is essential to express the emotions that do not give us pleasure, these are anger, pain, guilt, sadness, loneliness... So let's free the mind and body to contain them without express them. To overcome an emotion, we must give ourselves the right to recognize it, name it, feel it and live it. Only in this way will it pass. Find a place and a time to remember the deceased, to feel the lack of him, to mourn the absence of him. It hurts, but it heals.

2. The pendulum

It is true that negative emotions must be expressed, but we must continue living life. That is why we must do the pendulum exercise, where we go from a state of sadness to another of vitality. We must not stay at one extreme or the other. You have to mourn death but also continue to enjoy (as best you can in the first moments) the good things. Many people feel that they do not have the right to feel emotions such as joy or relief, but if they arise, they must be experienced.

Death brings us ambivalences and mental conflicts, accept them and experience them, as in the previous point, is the first step to overcome them. Don't judge yourself, just feel.

3. The tribute and the supports

Worshiping the deceased helps to mentalize that what happened is a fact. That is why, in major catastrophes or assassinations, we see how tributes are made on a social level. The same happens in funerals or wakes, they are places that help us to come to terms with what happened. You can also make a more private tribute, in solitude, but remember that, although we want to be alone, trustworthy people are a help to move forward.

4. Make a coherent narrative of what happened

The human brain needs to understand and it does so through stories, metaphors and tales. That is why in order to overcome what happened we must give it meaning and create a coherent story. Talking about it, looking for explanations, putting the facts together, formulating a narrative that brings together the past, traumatic events, happy events and the future, helps to overcome what happened. It can even be written in the form of a short novel.

The key is not only to remember the negative, but the whole story, with the good memories and the bad ones, so as not to idealize the deceased or stay with the moment of his death (or burial, wake, etc.).

5. Adapt to the new life

Assuming that the other person has left includes assuming that there are roles that no one will play or that should be assumed for other people, that our lives are going to change because someone has to do what the deceased performed. You also have to assume internal changes, growth and losses, duels of future expectations and past memories.

6. Goodbye is not oblivion

We must say goodbye to the deceased, but not by forgetting him, but by repositioning him in our life in some way. We must find ways to carry within us the person who has gone while we continue to live and move forward. The memory can produce nostalgia, but each person who passes through our life leaves us a sign, a teaching. Realizing this helps to respect his life, his death, and the memory of him.

7. EMDR therapy, sensorimotor and hypnosis

Especially in traumatic grief it is important to go to therapy. If you see that even doing all of the above you cannot overcome the loss of your loved one, it is still time to ask a professional for help. EMDR therapy, sensorimotor therapy and hypnosis are proven techniques that will help you overcome your pain. Ask your trusted psychologist.