What reasons predispose us to develop addiction to sex?

We are faced with a sex addiction when the desire to have sexual relations manifests itself frequently, it is intense and is accompanied by compulsive behaviors aimed at satisfying that desire in a unstoppable.

This is so understanding sexuality in its different forms, that is, not necessarily having a sexual encounter with another person but also with sexual behaviors of masturbation, prostitution consumption, cybersex or pornography consumption, among others. The person spends a large part of their day looking for a way to satisfy their need, affecting his work and personal life.

Addictions are usually the consequence of more primary problems in the person. In other words, consumption becomes the solution that can be given to a certain problem. When the person consumes or performs behaviors related to sexuality, in the short term the situation that generates discomfort goes to the background, turning this action into an emotional regulator that momentarily calms the discomfort. But what happens in the long term? the solution being put in place becomes the problem.

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Addiction as a form of emotional regulator

Before the consumption of any substance, our brain releases a hormone known as dopamine generating pleasant sensations. Because of this pleasure that you get, our brain will send us the message that it needs us to repeat that behavior to obtain that pleasant sensation. What happens is that our brain needs more and more of this substance that generates calm.

There are times in our life when we can experience difficult and painful situations for us. Right now, We can face the situation and the discomfort generated or we can avoid what happened and not face it. This second option can lead to certain negative consequences for the person.

If the habitual form of coping that one uses is avoidance or suppression, what happens is that all those events and psychological wounds that have been appearing in us through lived experiences will accumulate. These experiences begin from the moment we are born and we begin to relate to our figures of care; The first experiences will later mark who we are and how we learn to face those experiences that come.

How does the bond with our parents influence when regulating our emotions?

Many of these wounds are related to how we have been able to feel as children in the bond with our caregivers. When we are children we seek the constant affection and approval of the adults around us. If we do not get it, we will find a way to get it. We will implement behaviors that attract the attention of our caregivers, we will try to please them, we will take charge care or we will put aside our needs to meet those of the adult and thus receive the approval that we seek.

If we have had any such experience, it will be a wound that we grow and develop with. This wound can translate into an emotional void.. It is a very painful sensation, which hides a great feeling of loneliness, misunderstanding, fear or sadness. There is a need to feel complete, but the person does not know the formula to feel this way, so, in Sometimes, one begins to look for a way to combat this feeling and discomfort and thus be able to feel complete totally.

Sometimes this feeling can wake up or increase after a couple breakup, a dismissal, work problems or some situation that generates discomfort in the person. Faced with this type of situation, we can look the other way, so as not to run into the reality of the moment. But what is really happening is that we will not be facing or regulating our own discomfort, nor the experience we are facing.

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The negative consequences of not managing emotions well

When we experience situations that generate discomfort, poor regulation of these can lead to the appearance of addictive behavior.

Faced with situations that generate damage or problem, if there is not a good regulation of discomfort or what is happening is not dealt with, there are people who begin to use toxic substances, fill your schedule with plans, work longer hours, consume pornography for hours, or have sex compulsive. In this article I would like to focus more on problematic sexual behaviors.

It is known by all that sex is a basic human need, and this is indicated in the pyramid of basic needs created by Abraham Maslow. Sometimes sexual practices can become addictive behaviors. In this case, this type of behavior is not related to the search for pleasure; the objective would be the search for calm and the relief of the emotional discomfort generated by the different situations that may have been experienced, and are also inserted in the context of the life history of each one.

Sexual relations will be the way in which the person learns to regulate himself and calm his emotions, and this is how you will face what causes you discomfort. Stimuli are sought that reward and generate momentary relief. This also occurs with other types of behaviors, for example, with the intake of food from uncontrollable way or in the consumption of substances, exerting a self-destructive behavior on one same.

In the short term, there is a positive reward, which is followed by relief and reduction of emotional distress. But... What happens in the medium and long term? The discomfort reappears.

In the first place, guilt will appear for the consumption itself. This guilt generates emotional discomfort, added to the previous emotional discomfort that has not been managed either. Again, to calm this greater discomfort, the use of said problem behavior is reused.

Therefore, we will not be facing the problem, but we will be covering it up and not influencing what has generated it. Sometimes, the source of discomfort may not be seen by the person. But this type of behavior tells us that something is not right inside us.

Developing a sex addiction is also a way of not getting in touch with the discomfort and the problem situation. Let's imagine an inflatable mattress that has been punctured. At the moment, because we need to use it and we do not have the opportunity to buy another, we put a patch on it. We know that this patch may last us the rest of our vacation, but probably the next time we want to use it it will be broken again. This is what happens when we avoid dealing with the problems that happen to us. For a moment we can survive, but what will happen in the long term? What This discomfort will appear in an intense, abrupt way and it will be more difficult for us to handle it.

How do we know if we are facing a problem of sex addiction?

These are several criteria that help to know if it is the case of a problem of addiction to sex.

Much of the day is dedicated to fantasizing and finding a way to satisfy the need

This generates great anxiety And the brain has learned that the only way to calm it is by consuming pornography or having sex, for example.

Activities of daily living are neglected

Examples of these activities that become a low priority are work or a relationship, family or social.

Anxiety, thoughts and fantasies do not decrease until the person does not consume

The feeling that the person has no control over the behavior appears that appears. Feel that you are controlled by what you need

There is no need to satisfy the desire, but to calm and regulate the discomfort

That is, the focus of the experience is fixed on the negative.

The person feels a great emotional emptiness and guilt

You may even feel worthy of being punished and that is why you set in motion these self-limiting or destructive behaviors.

The need to go beyond the symptom

Due to my experience in consultation, most of the time we see that, after the symptom, there is a great need to feel seen, loved, valued, and desired. For this reason, in therapy it is very important that we work to identify what may be causing these symptoms, and not simply remain in a description of them.

Author: Lidia García Asensi, Health Psychologist