I do not understand my adolescent son: what to do?

Problematic or conflictive relationships between parents and children are one of the most intense and emotional sources of discomfort painful, often producing chain reactions both in coexistence and family dynamics and in health mental.

For this reason, many parents who seek psychological help do so from a very specific reason for consultation related to one of their main roles in the family: "I do not understand my adolescent son, I find it difficult to connect with him", is an example of a very common complaint.

Therefore, here we will do a brief review of the most important factors that may be behind this problem, and I will offer several guidelines and tips to begin to understand your adolescent child.

• Related article: "The 5 types of conflicts in adolescence (within the family context)"

Possible causes behind problems understanding your teenager

As much as we talk about adolescents here in adolescent terms, we must not forget that Despite their youth and lack of experience in many aspects of life, they are people with complex psychological characteristics and their own individuality.

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In the difficulties between a father and a son at the time of connecting, very particular factors may be influencing that cannot be extrapolated to other families: from conflicts that have been entrenched for years, to psychological disorders that must be treated in therapy, through the absence of the father for many years due to a divorce, etc.

Taking this into account and assuming that behind these problems there is usually not a single cause but a combination of problem facilitators, here we will review the most frequent triggers and predispositions.

• Insecurities on the part of the manor: taboo subjects related to his psychosexual development, his social life, etc.
• Resentment for conflicts that have become entrenched.
• Fear of opening up and expressing vulnerabilities or imperfections due to a too rigid parenting style.
• Lack of time together, in the present or in the recent past.
• Fear of breaking the trust of other teenagers talking about their activities.
• Fear of getting in trouble for revealing mental health problems.

Key ideas to understand your adolescent son or daughter

As I mentioned before, there are very specific situations in which the problem in the relationship between parents and children is in very dysfunctional psychological elements at various levels, not only with regard to communication between the adolescent and the adult. For example, consequences of bullying, psychological disorders, etc. In such cases, it is best to have the support of a psychotherapist.

However, in other cases the problems are not as severe and there are not a few more clear triggers. beyond communication failures and bad coexistence habits, so it is possible to look for solutions for one same. Therefore, here we will review several tips so that, as parents, it is easier for us to put ourselves in the shoes of our son or daughter of adolescent age.

1. Organize your time

To start connecting with your son or daughter, it is important to dedicate the time it deserves to communication. That is, make sure that when the time comes to speak, this is the main activity, not a secondary one. To do this, the most basic thing is to organize the time so that you can coincide regularly at times when neither of you has responsibilities or other tasks to attend to. If necessary, adapt your schedule on your computer and print it out to include these "holes" in the day to day.

2. Don't turn conversations into an interrogation

If you simply ask questions with your adolescent son or daughter, it is easy for him to interpret this situation from the framework of the police interrogations, and get defensive, as well as being frustrating having to contribute to the conversation without getting anything In return.

Asking questions is fine, but it should lead to a conversational thread that can be developed without one person being the one "pulling the car." And by the way, to connect with him or her it is not necessary that all conversations focus specifically on what he or she has done throughout the day, who her friends are, etc. Talk about issues that apparently only affect you indirectly (politics, sports, news in scientific advances, etc.) is a way of knowing each other indirectly, not in a manifest but implicit way, seeing how the other thinks.

3. Show your vulnerabilities

If you show your imperfect side, your adolescent son or daughter is more likely not to be defensive and be more honest and open.

4. Respect their privacy

It is very important not to continue expecting from an adolescent the degree of privacy that a boy or girl who has not yet reached puberty needs. Connecting and beginning to understand a young person of these ages does not mean knowing what he does and what he thinks at all times, and trying it will have the opposite effect to the desired one: he will make it move away from you.

Are you interested in having psychological assistance?

If you are considering having professional psychological support for adolescents or counseling for parents, I invite you to contact me.

I am an expert psychologist in the cognitive-behavioral model and I work helping individuals, families and organizations with regard to psychological care for adults and adolescents; The sessions can be face-to-face in Madrid or through the online mode by video call.