The art of flirting from confidence and good self-esteem

Self-confidence and self-esteem They are concepts of a psychological nature that greatly influence when it comes to meeting new people.

When what we are also looking for is not only to have an entertaining conversation with someone but also to flirt, the relevance of these two aspects is even greater. Here we will see some key ideas to know how to promote them in this area of ​​life.

• Related article: "The 6 types of social skills, and what are they for"

Self-confidence and self-esteem in its expression when seducing

It would be a mistake to think that people who have problems acting with confidence when dating suffer this problem because they have low self-esteem or because they do not believe in themselves in a global sense. In fact, it is very common to meet people who generally trust their abilities in contexts that they face almost every day, such as studies or work, but that at the same time they falter when they show self-confidence in concrete situations that they face less frequently, such as when trying to link the goals of week.

And it is that self-esteem and self-confidence They are not completely homogeneous elements, but rather have several facets and can change depending on the situation to which we are exposed.. Many shy people are confident when speaking in front of an audience about a subject that fascinates them and knows well, and at the same time, someone who is usually popular can become insecure and vulnerable if they have to speak in front of the public about something they do not know well.

This means that to enhance our fluency in one area of ​​social life, we must work in that area, and not in any other.

Thus, for the present case, the fundamental thing is develop self-confidence and behavior patterns that promote self-esteem specifically in the context of seduction. Of course, working on self-esteem in a global sense, in the face of life as a whole, is important and contributes to making social interactions normally more fluid and enjoyable.

However, it is not necessary to stay in that, which can be used as an excuse not to have to “leave the area of comfort ”and begin to develop communication skills based on meeting people and, why not, also the seduction. Given that these types of challenges occur specifically in a type of social interaction, the way to overcome them must also focus on this type of social experience, and not on others. In other words, the keys to developing self-confidence and self-esteem They must be linked to the act of breaking the ice, showing interest, asserting themselves to people we do not know and, in general, linking. Let's see several ideas about it.

4 communicative keys to express seductive self-confidence when flirting

These are several fundamental psychological keys that you must take into account to gain ease and self-confidence when it comes to flirting.

1. Boost your self-confidence from improvisation

Memorizing "ready-made" phrases when flirting is a mistake. At most, from time to time you can use one to break the ice and start a conversation, but once you are in the dialogue properly That said, what matters is the fluency and social skills applied in the moment, not the witty phrases read in a book or in Internet. Seducing is, among other things, knowing how to adapt, respond to the focus of interest that unite you both and create a comfortable climate that is comfortable.

Of course, improvising in this way is more complex than applying a sequence of guidelines that we can follow step by step. However, although this fact complicates things, at the same time it contributes another element that contributes to making everything easier, and that we will see in the next point.

• You may be interested in: "The 28 types of communication and their characteristics"

2. Self-confidence is demonstrated by assuming the imperfection of communication

Deep down, the ability to create technically perfect conversations is far less seductive than the attitude of self-confidence that is present by assuming that the conversation will have expendable moments or directly absurd. Where self-esteem and charisma are shown is in accepting that the important thing is not the technical correctness, but the stimulating sensations and emotions that appear in the dialogue.

In fact, obsessing over not making mistakes not only keeps our minds divided on several fronts (and therefore more vulnerable to remain blank), but also denotes fragility, because in this way it seems that we hide behind that succession of words and gestures.

People with more ability to flirt take for granted that misunderstandings or exchanges of ideas that are not very informative will sometimes occurBut they can turn this into a show of attitude, and even fun experiences that lend themselves to jokes. Due to this, it is usual that when seducing the act of trying to perform ridiculous actions works: the very intention of doing that and showing that we do it while being aware of how absurd it is makes, paradoxically, not ridiculous.

3. The fear of rejection is based on an illusion

This does not mean that fear of rejection does not exist.; on the contrary, it is a very real phenomenon and whose appearance (to a greater or lesser degree of intensity) is not rare, even in people who are better at flirting. The point is that on the one hand, as we have seen, we must not fight to eliminate the fear of rejection from our mind, and on the other, It must be clear that this is not based on facts that have the ability to reveal very uncomfortable truths about who are.

The fear of rejection has to do with anticipating the distressing implications of someone showing disinterest in us, and This is something that can perfectly happen: there are no reasons to assume that everyone finds us fascinating. But… does this really say something very bad about our identity? If they reject us, it is, in the vast majority of cases, because they don't know us well; for something we seek to bring positions closer.

On the other hand, hardly a single interaction or series of a few interactions with someone will give us a realistic reflection on who we are. The self-concept, our idea of ​​"I", is actually built over time and through hundreds of experiences. Having someone say "yes" or "no" at a point in the conversation is not really going to break the schemes from which we analyze who we are, as frustrating as it can sometimes be.

4. Without practice there is no progress

Finally, knowing all of the above is of little use if it is not put into practice. To develop the social and emotional management skills necessary to flirt, you have to apply them to reality. For this reason, many people go to the psychologist to obtain not only the theory, but also a series of guidelines to commit to this process of change and go doing it effectively and avoiding unnecessary frustrations, starting with what works for "beginners" and ending with the more challenging challenges. ambitious.

Are you looking for psychological assistance?

If you are interested in developing your emotional management skills or enhancing your communication skills, we invite you to contact us. On UPAD Psychology and Coaching We have a team of psychologists with many years of experience working in psychotherapy, psychological support in personal development processes and coaching, and sexual therapy and partner. You can find us in our center located in Madrid (Argüelles area) or through our modality of online services by video call. On this page you can find our contact details.

Bibliographic references:

• Angelico, A.P.; Crippa, J.A.S.; Louriero, S.R. (2013). Social Anxiety Disorder and Social Skills: A Critical Review of the Literature. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation and Therapy, 7 (4): pp. 16 - 33.
• Bruch, E.E.; Newman, M.E.J. (2018). Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets. Science Advances, 4 (8): eaap9815.
• Miller, R., Perlman, D., and Brehm, S.S. (2014). Intimate Relationships. New York: McGrawHill Companies.
• O'Donohue, W. (2003). Psychological Skills Training: Issues and Controversies. The Behavior Analyst Today, 4 (3), pp. 331 - 335.
• Vacharkulksemsuk, T. (2016). Dominant, open nonverbal displays are attractive at zero-acquaintance. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 113 (15): pp. 4009 - 4014.