Domestic violence: how it arises and how to detect it

Domestic violence is a serious problem that occurs in all social groups, professions, cultures and religions. Even the male gender is popularly conceived as the constituent of the only aggressors, but the reality is that in many cases women become the aggressors, so it turns out that it also happens in both genders.

It is a public health problem that, unfortunately, is increasing. Only in Mexico, in the last year there was an increase of 9.2% in research folders for this crime, according to Figures from the Executive Secretariat of the National Public Security System (SESNSP).

As if that were not enough, according to the results of the latest National Survey on the Dynamics of Household Relationships (ENDIREH), prepared by the National Institute of Statistics and Geography (INEGI), states that 10.8 million men married or united with women of 15 years or more have practiced some type of violence against their partners throughout their relationship, specifically 40% emotionally, 25.3% financially, 11.6% physically and 5.3% sexual.

• Related article: "Gaslighting: the subtlest emotional abuse"

Types of violence

The above figures illustrate the different categories that exist in which a person can be harmed, depending on the content of the assault. More information on this is provided below.

Physical violence

This category involves hitting, scratching, pulling, and shoving; it is easier to identify because often leaves marks on the body such as visible bruises or wounds, which culminates, on many occasions, in the death of the victim.

Psychological or emotional violence

The person attacks by means of hurtful words such as insults or nicknames, with the intention of denigrating the partner. These types of actions produce in the victim feelings of anxiety, despair, guilt, fear, shame, sadness, as well as low self-esteem.

Sexual violence

Behaviors with sexual connotations are carried out in a forced manner, without the consent of the victim, just for the simple fact of being his partner. It can include physical and psychological violence.

Economic violence

It involves stealing the couple's money, misusing their bank account; And even when only the aggressor is the one who works, he threatens to deny the money to his spouse.

The keys to domestic violence

Men who are bullies generally in their childhood witnessed domestic violence against their mothers, so grew up in a violent environment where there were established roles for each gender and where women were denigrated; so there is a learned behavior towards the couple. This means that in his future relationships, the person ends up repeating what he witnessed in his childhood, since he unconsciously chooses someone with a submissive profile as a partner, then playing a role dominant.

In addition to low self-esteem, the aggressor has a low tolerance for frustration. That is, he is easily frustrated, and it is in those cases when he has outbursts of aggression and blames the victim. provoked it, so what he wants most is to be in control of both the relationship and his spouse.

If we carefully examine the types of violence mentioned above, we can identify that the common denominator is the desire for power on the part of the aggressor towards the victim; that is why he denigrates her physically, psychologically and sexually. In the case of the economy, it is about another kind of power, since money is a very important resource; If the victim is financially independent, he or she has a certain degree of power, so in economic violence, the aggressor also seeks to take that away from him. That is why behind domestic violence by men we find macho ideas.

On the other hand, women who are victims of domestic violence many times they lived something similar in their childhood; They grew up in an environment where violence was accepted and they experienced being the subordinates of the men in the household. In the same way, submission is also a position that is learned, probably due to the belief that this role in the relationship is normal.

Apart from low self-esteem, the victim you may be depressed and emotionally dependent on your partner, which causes not wanting to separate from him by manifesting love. So when the aggressor blames him for causing the outbursts of violence, the victim accepts responsibility. Even in submission, in the same way in the mind of the victim are macho ideas.

And when there are children ...

When children are involved in the relationship, they may suffer from various behavioral problems and emotional, which will not take long to manifest with poor academic performance, being participants or victims of bullying, isolation, being prone to drug use, falling into depression, resentment, low self-esteem or post-traumatic stress, among others.

Growing up and developing in an environment where violence is accepted, they have a high probability of repeating patterns, either as aggressors or victims in their relationships, as happened with the fathers. It is worth mentioning that it is in the family where children learn to define themselves, to understand the world and how to relate to it through what they observe and learn.

Cycle of violence

The interaction between the aggressor and the victim is usually a vicious cycle that constantly feeds on each other. Below I present the three phases in which it is composed.

Voltage build-up phase

In this first phase insults, reproaches, teasing, scenes of jealousy are presented and attempts to control the victim's actions, as well as constant growing discomfort. For example: criticizing the way he dresses, forbidding him outings or certain activities.

Explosion phase

This part represents a higher level than the previous phase. At this point is when the person has a violent start in which there are blows, breaking objects and threats.

Repentance or honeymoon phase

At this last level, the person says sorry and asks for forgiveness (Not without first holding the victim responsible for having violated her), but he promises to change. Suddenly the romanticism returns to the relationship and the aggressor becomes a detail-oriented being for a time, until that something he does not like be presented again so that the first phase begins again and thus successively.

When the victim is the male

There are also situations in which the woman is the aggressor and the man is the victim. In the same way as the man in the role of her aggressor, the woman seeks to have power and control over her partner.

In these cases, the woman begins with psychological violence until she over time she transforms into physical: hit, slap or jerk her husband.

Although he is stronger than her, the husband does not use violence because he considers it cowardly to use force on a woman, so he prefers to isolate himself feeling deep shame and keeping silence so that no one finds out about his situation humiliating; probably if he decides to tell someone, they simply will not believe him or make fun of him, including the authorities in case of complaint. In this way, man suffers psychologically trying to keep up appearances.

What to do about domestic violence

Below I offer a series of steps to follow to prevent and act in the event of domestic violence. Aimed at both men and women. Identify the signs:

• He uses hurtful and accusing words against you.
• He ridicules you in the presence of other people.
• Insults you when angry and she blames you for doing it or making her mad.
• Control everything you do, where you go, who you are with. Check your cell phone. Prohibit you from going out with your friends and / or family, or prohibit you from talking to such a person.
• She says she's jealous because she loves you.
• It pulls you from some part of the body or clothes, or simply pushes you.
• He grabs you hard and yells at you.
• Pressures or forces you to have sex.
• Threatens to hit you or your children.

If your partner does more than one of the actions mentioned above, you are already a victim of some type of violence and soon your partner could go to blows. Talk about this with someone you trust and prepare an emergency plan to protect yourself and your children if necessary. Try to have a place of refuge, for example, the house of someone you trust.

In case you are already immersed or immersed in abuse, carry out the emergency plan to protect yourself, Get out of your house and go to that place of refuge. Get advice from a lawyer about your situation, since it is necessary to proceed by legal means against the aggressor, who will be arrested and taken to criminal proceedings.

If you don't have a shelter, there are some sponsored by municipalities, non-governmental organizations or religious institutions that help the victim and their children to be protected by covering their physical needs and emotional In some of these places they even offer legal advice and psychological support to provide the necessary help.

What to do if you are a close friend or family member of the victim

Don't judge or criticize their attitude or inability to deal with the problem. Unlike, spend time listening, understanding, and venting. Let him know that he is not guilty of anything. Also offer your support in what you can help, for example in taking care of their children, offering shelter, or in finding a lawyer.

Consider the safety of the person and hers children. Even in situations where the person attacked does not perceive reality as it is and is not aware If you are a victim of violence, you can be the one to ask for the support and make the complaint to the authorities. Your collaboration can make a difference and avoid serious consequences.

What to do if you are the aggressor

Finally, in case you are the one who exercises violence, reflect on the consequences that your behavior can cause. Take the first step, accept that you have a problem and seek professional help.

• Related article: "How to find a psychologist to attend therapy: 7 tips"

Conclution

Courtship is the prelude to marriage. If at that stage a toxic relationship is already maintained in which one of the members of the couple tries to control and have power over the other manifesting any of the types of violence mentioned above, there is a high probability that in the future there will be cases of violence intrafamily.

It is during the courtship when risk attitudes must be identified. Everyone should pay attention to the way her partner treats her; find out what their values ​​are; as well as being attentive to the way in which he treats his parents and other people, particularly those who provide a service in public places. Because the same way you treat them is how you treat your spouse.

Bibliographic references:

• Acosta, F. (April 19, 2018). UVI attends 100 cases of domestic violence a day. The chronic.
• Alcocer, J. (August 14, 2018). Domestic violence shoots up to 75% during 2018. Meter.
• Melgosa, J. (2008). How to have a healthy mind. Madrid: Safeliz.
• Ponce, K. (May 12, 2017). Hard data on domestic violence in Mexico. Excelsior.
• Greetings. M. (November 29, 2017). World Health Organization. Retrieved on December 14, 2018, from the World Health Organization: https://www.who.int/es/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women.