Where do psychological problems arise from self-demand?

Self-demand is a quality that, taken to the extreme, makes people feel discomfort and anxiety when they are dissatisfied with their lives. It has a lot to do with an oversaturated mind and with great difficulty in recognizing and expressing our vulnerability that is inherent to the human being.

Life is uncertain, impermanent, and constantly changing... And self-demand precisely has to do with the fear of uncertainty, because one way of trying to cover This fear is to assume goals that are difficult to achieve, with the aim of "false" or almost impossible to want to control the situation.

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Where does excessive self-demand come from?

Self-demand arises from the combination of external pressures together with fear of the uncontrollable.

The rules that we learn throughout our lives may or may not translate into pressure. It all depends on how one internalizes the messages that are presented to him from the different external sources, which are the following.

1. Society

The simple fact of being born in the XX-XXI century makes us have certain pressures that people from another historical moment would not have. For example, there is much more pressure on body image today than hundreds of years ago.

2. Culture

The cultural aspect also has its role. The pressures that a person from China may have on a person from Spain differ greatly. For example, a person from China may have the pressure not to show her feelings and be more reserved in front of a person from southern European countries.

3. Family education

Depending on the expectations (expressed or silent) that exist in the family environment, people can develop some demands or others. For example, parents who over-reward good grades may cause their children to develop a need for success every time. Or also that their self-esteem is dependent on external achievements.

4. School Education

Depending on what is lived in some schools or others, this will allow students to develop some demands or others.

5. Social relationships

School friends, friends, couples... will take effect. These constitute one of the most important forms of influence on youth, because when our identity develops during adolescence, it is when we give more importance to our peer group.

6. Events that have marked us

Those important milestones that have marked us, can cause us to create a rigid standard of operation.

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How is it translated?

When one generates self-demands that interfere with his life, he presents them as "I must" or "I have to"... This feels like a rigid norm that you can't get out of not the least, "you can't fail", it is very taxing. It differs from values ​​in that they are flexible, freely chosen, and more based on compassion; if one day we "fail" absolutely nothing happens because we understand that we are human.

Who has these kinds of problems? To a certain extent, all of them. Another different aspect is whether one is conscious or not. Therefore, some are affected to a greater extent than others. The less one has reflected on it, the more suffering there will be, because in this way, one does not "own" the "entrenched" and repetitive patterns that one presents, but rather it is these who govern the behavior in a rigid way, as if one did not have the reins of his life, as if he could not choose freely.

Within this group, those who suffer the most are those who set high goals (perfectionism) or when the proposed objectives are very inflexible.

How does it affect people?

Self-demand acts on dichotomous and extreme values ​​of always / never, black / white... Therefore, when extremes are reached, this it translates into anxiety because the rules are very rigid and end up paralyzing the person.

This occurs because the real achievement of said self-demand, with all that it entails (high goals), is very unlikely to be achieved. It is a very high stress factor that makes the person unable to cover everything proposed; in fact, sometimes it makes it easier to finally do nothing.

How to solve it?

The first step is to be aware of what our own “debos” are, where they come from, and not be martyred for it.. Be aware that we are a consequence of what we have experienced, but not guilty of it. From that moment, and from awareness and responsibility, we can learn to respond differently and more. adaptive, instead of reacting automatically by constantly reproducing the same patterns ("debos") that make us suffer.

With a personal work of introspection, we can lower the level of self-demand and from there be able to decide in favor of our own values ​​and not so much for the “debts”.