Anticipatory anxiety in personal relationships: what it is and how to calm it

Anticipatory anxiety is one of the most famous concepts in the world of Psychology, and the truth is that it also is frequently present outside the academic environment, in the personal relationships that most of the citizens.

In this article we will see how anticipatory anxiety arises in those interactions with others that we consider important: on a date with someone we like, in a situation where we are trying to make friends, etc.

• Related article: "Types of Anxiety Disorders and their characteristics"

Anticipatory anxiety: a psychological phenomenon based on ambivalence

Let's start by knowing what anticipatory anxiety consists of. This psychological phenomenon is a type of anxiety characterized by discomfort at the idea of ​​suffering a "peak" of anxiety and / or losing control in the face of a specific situation that we know or believe will occur in the future next. Although practically all forms of anxiety have a component of "fear of fear", in this case this emotional element takes center stage in relation to a specific event for which we feel we are not prepared.

One of the key ideas to remember is that there is strong emotional ambivalence in anticipatory anxiety. On the one hand, the mind of the person who suffers it is fixed or "anchored" in a catastrophic prediction about what what will happen, assuming that we are exposing ourselves to one of the worst possible futures given the circumstances. But on the other, this feeling of pessimistic certainty about what is going to happen is combined with a discomfort in the face of uncertainty: the person feels bad also because he notices that depending on what he says or does in the present, that can have very relevant and unpredictable consequences in what is going to take place at that moment that you fear to get.

Thus, for example, if a person feels very anxious because the next day he has a date with someone he likes and has met in Internet, it is probable that in his mind two lines of thoughts are combined that generate discomfort but that, at the same time, are apparently contradictory.

On the one hand, it assumes that it will not make a good impression because it assumes that the other person has fallen to the deceptions of an idealized “avatar” that exists only on social networks; you may turn over and over again what kind of photos of her face show her at an angle that is not representative of what she is like, or at kind of preconceptions that the other person can make confused with reality based on what she has read in their chat sessions.

And, on the other, that person is also likely obsessed with trying to take control of the present to prepare as best as possible for that date, so that your own anxiety (among other things) does not ruin it. Thus, there is a fear of losing control and at the same time there is a fear that the result of an action is beyond one's control; This combination of ideas and sources of concern turns anticipatory anxiety into a vicious cycle.

• You may be interested in: "Self-fulfilling prophecies, or how to carve out a failure yourself"

What role does self-fulfilling prophecy play in all of this?

Self-fulfilling prophecy is a curious psychological phenomenon whereby people help create the future we predict by thinking about it. In the case of anxiety problems, this is a very present element: when we are anxious, we put ourselves "on guard" and that leads us to adopt behavior patterns that feed anxiety.

In the case of anticipatory anxiety applied to personal relationships, self-fulfilling prophecy plays a lot with expectations. On the one hand, leads us to assume that we will make a fool of ourselves or that we will not measure up when it comes to giving an image of who we really are to someone we care about, and that predisposes us to behave in an unnatural way to try to correct this possibility by desperate.

On the other hand, the fact that the other person is seeing that we perceive the situation as uncomfortable or even grotesque (not in a good way) makes me assume the situation is that way.

How to manage anticipatory anxiety when interacting with others?

Keep these tips in mind to avoid letting anticipatory anxiety play you when it comes to making new friends, speaking in public, flirting, etc.

1. Don't try to block the discomfort

Trying to keep anxiety and associated thoughts out of your mind is a rookie mistake when it comes to managing emotions. Not only do you not have to try to block anxiety, you must accept it and not give it more importance than it has. Once it has arisen in you, instead of fighting it, dedicate yourself to directing your attention towards other stimuli and experiences. In this way, it will weaken without you noticing.

• Related article: "Why can't we block thoughts: Tolstoy's white bear"

2. Assume that the humor of a situation can serve to demonstrate the security you have in yourself

If you pay attention, people with better social skills are so self-confident that they can allow themselves to perform actions that could technically be ridiculous, but because of their attitude, they are not perceived that way.

In fact, there are those who deliberately used this type of action to show that he is not afraid to "break the ice" in a situation. social in the wildest possible ways: dancing in the middle of the street for no reason, telling very bad jokes, etc. The fact of showing that you are aware of the extravagance of these actions generates a feeling of complicity, and on the one hand, it shows confidence in yourself.

If these people can behave in this way, you certainly do not have to fear the possibility of "going off the script" from what is considered normal or conventional; It all depends on the attitude with which you do it and with which you acknowledge your mistakes or even laugh at them. Remember that If you generate the expectation that the other person should laugh with you and not at you, that is probably what they will do..

• You may be interested in: "Self-confidence: discover the 7 keys to improve it"

3. When you notice that you have a very hard day, resort to relaxation techniques

Relaxation techniques can help you as a resource for specific use that allows you to bring your nervous system to a state of less activation. A few minutes of an exercise like Jacobson's progressive muscle relaxation it will allow you to do a mental reset.

4. Don't memorize, focus your attention on the moment

When preparing to talk to someone who intimidates you in one way or another, don't try to recite memorized lines; that will cause you to suffer even more anticipatory anxiety. On the other hand, accept that it will be an experience based on spontaneity in which your imperfections will be seen, but at the same time you will be able to see those of your interlocutor.

• Related article: "Anticipatory anxiety: causes, symptoms and therapy"

Do you need psychological assistance to learn to manage anxiety?

If in your day to day you notice that you have anxiety problems and you are interested in having professional psychological support, get in touch with me.

My name is Javier Ares and I am an expert psychologist in emotional problems and relationship problems. In psychotherapy we can work on enhancing the psychological abilities and aptitudes related to the management of anxiety and the thoughts and forms of behavior that influence it.

I work in person in my office located in Madrid, and also online through video call sessions.