How to deal with widowhood psychologically?

The mourning for the death of a husband is something complex, experienced in a unique way by the widowed person. Some get through this stage relatively quickly, within a few months after death, while others can take up to 5 years to recover.

Each person needs her times, her return to normality. You cannot force things, but it is possible to learn to live this new stage by accepting what has happened and understanding that the person who has left will be part of us as long as the let's remember.

Next let's see tips on how to cope with widowhood and what risks are there at this stage that can lead to pathological grief.

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How to cope with widowhood: keys to managing emotions and grief

The final loss of a spouse or romantic partner involves a specific and complex type of grief. Coping with widowhood is a difficult process since this phenomenon implies a big change in our expectations and lifestyle. Whether she likes it or not, when she lives as a couple she always thinks in terms of two. With the death of our spouse or boyfriend / girlfriend that suddenly ends. We find ourselves in a strange loneliness, a sensation that we have not felt in many years.

In all duels, not only the loss itself counts, but also the circumstances in which they occur. It is not the same to face widowhood at the age of 30 because our husband has died in an accident than do it at 70 after having been by our husband's side after several years suffering from a harsh and debilitating disease. In the first case, becoming a widower is something totally sudden, not at all expected, while in the other case the widow has had enough time to prepare for the final moment.

The type of relationship that existed between the two also influences. More complicated relationships tend to lead to more complex griefs. The reason for this is that, although they both loved each other, the conflicts, tensions and arguments as a couple may have left open many wounds and issues to deal with, and when one of the two dies the widower finds himself in a situation full of questions without sort out.

The best way to deal with widowhood is to try to accept the facts, without getting caught up in going back again and again to the past to change what can no longer be changed. One thing is the nostalgia that we can feel for the good times that we were with that person, and quite another is to take refuge in the past, not being able to live in the present. You have to value the past, but living in the present and understanding that it is best to give time to grief.

What a widower usually experiences after losing his partner is a deep sense of bewilderment and uncertainty, accompanied by denial, confusion and disbelief. When you lose someone you lived with on a daily basis, a colleague who was by your side on a daily basis, you can see that part of us dies with him.

When you have lived with someone for years thinking in terms of two, the moment that person leaves, your efforts are doubled. We have to relearn things, even the smallest ones, like sleeping without having another person by our side, making decisions family members without receiving the support or advice of our better half or even learning to manage feelings on their own own.

It is common for one not to know who he is after having lived through the death of his partner. It is not surprising, since the dynamic of mutual interdependence that has been forming throughout years of living as a couple has just suddenly disappeared and, regardless of whether it was an expected death or no. Accepting one's independence is not an easy task. Although she is no longer alive, the presence of the person who has left is everywhere, something that generates nostalgia, uneasiness and anguish.

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Psychological risk factors in widowhood

Each person is different, evident in their behavior, beliefs and opinions. This also occurs in the way you handle the death of your partner. Each person can experience the grief associated with widowhood in a very different way, with those who suffer the greatest risk of falling into pathological grief. There are a few characteristics that lead to people who are especially vulnerable to this situation, factors that intensify feelings of helplessness, despair and loneliness, making it more difficult to overcome lost.

1. Little support from family

The family can be considered a protective factor against experiencing a pathological grief, and therefore its absence can be considered just the opposite, this is a risk factor. The absence of a family support network increases feelings of isolation and despair.

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2. Submission relationship with spouse

In couples with a relationship of submission of one spouse to the other (usually the woman towards the man), when the one who exercised the dominant power dies the other person regains an independence that they do not know how to manage. Finding yourself in a situation of individuality can generate fears, feelings of incapacity and a feeling of abandonment.

3. Ambivalent relationship with the spouse

In ambivalent relationships, the departure of one of the spouses means not being able to resolve issues that were left open, pending discussion and reflection. This makes the widower or widower think about everything they would like to have said or done to the person who has left, and that now does not have the opportunity to solve.

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4. Economic problems

If the newly widowed person has financial problems, such as unresolved debt or financial problems, she will tend to feel more strongly about the loss of her partner.

After all, Having a partner is not only a sentimental support, but also material and economic, since he may be working or receiving a pension. When he dies, this flow of money ceases to be received (with exceptions) and in the event of financial problems in the family nucleus, its absence is even more noticeable. c

5. Introversion

Introverted, shy people who don't have too many friends show more problems to express their emotions and manage the grief by not releasing what they feel with acquaintances and friends.

Naturally, not all introverts will suffer pathological grief, but introversion can be considered a risk factor when going through this period.

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6. Have small children

If the couple still had children in full raising, facing widowhood is more difficult. It is difficult to explain to a young child why his or her mother or father is not coming back, especially if the widower has not yet managed to properly manage this tragic event.

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What to do in widowhood?

As we pointed out, each person mourns the death of their spouse in their own way. This makes us recognize that there is no perfect and ideal formula to face widowhood, but there are a series of ideal recommendations to facilitate the grieving process, all of them based on the idea that what has happened must be accepted, understanding that the deceased is no longer by our side but that we will take him everywhere as long as we remember him or she.

We should remember our loved one and the experiences we had with that person, but not thinking about what could have been and was not. Hypotheses about something that could have been and was not do not lead to anything constructive in this case. It will not be a quick process that is overcome from one day to the next: The death of a loved one as important as our husband or wife was brings I manage to spend a long time with feelings of pain, emotions that arise from the emptiness left by a person who was in our life every day. life.

We must not pathologize this, since it is totally normal and adaptive to feel very sad at such a loss. It is essential for our mental health to accept the fact that we are suffering, but also to avoid that pain prevents us from taking care of ourselves. We must eat well, try to play sports, stay active, get enough sleep and, above all, interact with our friends and family. Only by connecting with others and trying to activate ourselves will we be able to overcome the death of our loved one.

It is also a very good idea to go to help groups for widowers and visit a psychologist to better manage the grief. We should not pathologize grief, thinking that it is something that if lived is synonymous with depression but it is advisable to do everything possible to prevent it from becoming a depressive condition. Prevention is better than cure and there is nothing wrong with visiting a psychologist to learn how to deal with it. widowhood, especially if the death of our spouse has occurred suddenly and when it was relatively young.

And, very importantly, let the wounds heal over time. It is not good to make important short-term decisions right after the loss of our spouse. We will still be adapting to the new situation and any aspect that requires a deep Reflection should be discarded for the moment because we are not really in a position or thinking with clarity. Grief takes time, and time is what we must give it.