Self-messages and their effectiveness to develop assertiveness

Assertiveness is one of the main components in the competent application of so-called social skills. This ability allows defend one's ideas, rights or opinions in a respectful but firm way. A very important part in the exercise of assertiveness resides in the type of verbalizations that we make to ourselves. ourselves in situations that involve a certain difficulty in expressing our will in a way clear.

In this article we will see how Self-messages can help us build a much more assertive communication style.

• Related article: "Self-Instruction Training and Stress Inoculation Technique"

The stages of action

As Meichembaum (1987) proposed in his Stress Inoculation Model, “self-instructions” can influence the final efficacy of the expressed behavior, since they affect the level of motivation in the type of coping that we start, in the set of feelings generated by that situation and in the kind of cognitions that we are going to elaborate once the action.

As Castanyer (2014) points out, self-messages or self-instructions operate at four different times

configuring both thoughts, emotions and assertive behaviors:

1. Prior to the situation

Usually the mind itself tends to prepare for its future coping by speculating on possible ways in which it can develop.

2. At the beginning of the situation

In this point anxious thoughts gain intensity, and memories of previous situations are used to activate (both those that have been overcome successfully and those in which the result has been unpleasant).

3. When the situation gets complicated

Although it does not always happen, at this time the most stressful and irrational thoughts increase. Due to the intense nature of the emotions derived by this type of cognitions, the person will file more easily and forcefully this part of the experience, conditioning future similar situations in greater depth.

4. Once the situation is over

At this time a valuation analysis is carried out and certain conclusions are drawn about said event.

The experience by the person of each of these four moments is equally important and determining of the attitude and the final behavior that he will manifest in the face of the feared situation.

Therefore, in a natural way, the individual tends to collect all kinds of information to contrast or refute the thoughts that operate in each of the four exposed phases. For it comparisons will be made with similar past situations o The verbal and non-verbal language of the other people involved in the situation (“he has answered me abruptly, with which he is annoyed with me and we are not going to get to any agreement").

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Strategies for modulating self-messages

These are the different auto-messages applications.

Analyze the extent to which the idea is irrational

Given the relevance of the cognitive and emotional analyzes that the specific situation provokes, a key point lies in verifying the level of rationality on which these thoughts are based. On a regular basis, it may happen that they are starting up overly emotional reasoning, absolute and irrational about these beliefs generated

An effective first strategy to apply may be contrast some of the ideas that come to mind and assess if they coincide with any of the so-called cognitive distortions that Aaron Beck proposed in his Cognitive Theory some decades ago:

1. Polarized or dichotomous thinking (all or nothing) - Interpret events and people in absolute terms, regardless of intermediate degrees.

2. Overgeneralization: taking isolated cases to generalize a valid conclusion.

3. Selective abstraction: focusing exclusively on certain negative aspects to the exclusion of other characteristics.

4. Disqualify the positive: it is to consider positive experiences for arbitrary reasons.

5. Jumping to conclusions: assume something negative when there is no empirical support for it.

6. Projection: projecting onto the other anxious thoughts or feelings that are not accepted as one's own.

• Related article: "The projection: when we criticize others, we talk about ourselves"

7. Magnification and Minimization: overestimate and underestimate the way of being of events or people.

8. Emotional reasoning: making arguments based on how a person "feels" rather than based on objective reality.

9. "Should": concentrating on what one thinks "should" be rather than seeing things as they are, regardless of the situational context.

10. Labelled: consists of assigning global labels instead of describing the observed behavior objectively. The verb "ser" is used instead of "estar".

11. Personalization: taking 100% responsibility for a situation or event yourself.

12. Confirmatory bias: tendency to skew reality by paying attention only to confirmatory information and ignoring data that contradict it.

Cognitive restructuring

A second fundamental step consists of an exercise in questioning worrisome and irrational thoughts through the use of the cognitive restructuring technique, a method that has great efficiency within Cognitive Therapies.

Answering questions such as the following, among many others, the level of pessimism or catastrophism can be lowered awarded to the assessment of the impending event:

• What objective data is there in favor of threatening thinking and what data do I have against it?
• If the irrational thought is fulfilled, could you cope with the situation? As I would do it?
• Is the initial reasoning carried out based on logical or rather emotional foundations?
• What is the real probability that the threatening belief will occur? And what does not happen?

Application of self-messages

Finally, the generation of auto-messages to substitute initials. These new beliefs must have greater realism, objectivity and positivism. For this, Castanyer (2014) proposes to distinguish the type of self-instruction that we must give ourselves in each of the four stages previously exposed:

Pre-messages phase

In the “previous self-messages” phase, verbalizations should be aimed at counteract anticipatory threatening thinking with a more realistic one and to guide the person both cognitively and behaviorally to carry out an active coping with the situation. In this way it is possible to prevent the individual from generating troubling ideas that may block your assertive response.

Example: "What exactly do I have to do to face this situation and how am I going to do it?"

Orientation towards coping

At the start of the situation, the self-instructions are oriented to remember their own coping strategies and to focus the person exclusively on the behavior that he is exercising at that very moment.

Example: “I am able to achieve it since I have already achieved it before. I'm just going to focus on what I'm doing right now. "

If a "tense moment" occurs, the subject must say phrases that allow you to cope with the situation, that reduce the activation, increase the calm and that move away the pessimistic ideas.

Example: “Now I'm having a hard time, but I'll be able to overcome it, I'm not going to get carried away by catastrophism. I'm going to breathe deeply and relax ”.

In the aftermath of the situation, you must try to make verbalizations express the positive aspect having faced the situation (regardless of the result), emphasizing those concrete actions in which it has improved compared to the past and avoiding self-reproach.

Example: "I have tried to stand firm and for the first time I have managed to argue my position without raising my voice."

By way of conclusion: enjoying better assertiveness

As has been observed, the fact of providing attention to the messages we send ourselves when we face a problematic situationAnalyzing and rephrasing them more realistically can pave the way for a greater mastery of assertiveness.

In addition, it seems to be very relevant to focus on the moment in which you are acting without anticipating or anticipating possible imaginary scenarios that we elaborate in a pessimistic key and that objectively have a low probability of occurrence real.

Bibliographic references:

• Castanyer, O. (2014) Assertiveness, expression of a healthy self-esteem (37th ed.) Editorial Desclée de Brouver: Bilbao.

• Méndez, J and Olivares, X. (2010) Behavior Modification Techniques (6th of.). Editorial New Library: Madrid.