5 steps to resolve conflicts with Emotional Intelligence

When we think about conflicts, our minds go to the great ‘problems’ of humanity: diplomatic crises, wars, class struggle, religious confrontations, etc.

But the conflict is also part of the life of any person ‘on foot’: it is something inherent to the human being just by the fact of living. From the time we get up until we go to bed we encounter various conflicts throughout the day.

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How to deal with conflicts in the best way?

A conflict is a confrontation, a disagreement between two or more parties. We can say that there are two main reasons why conflicts are activated: when each of The parties to the conflict have a different need that collides with the need of the other or others; and when one tries to make the other see a situation from his point of view and his perception without taking into account that the same ‘reality’ will surely be perceived by the other in another way based on his beliefs and values.

Whatever the reason for the origin of the conflict, the discomfort that arises from the lack of understanding generates in the opposing parties

frustration, anger, and even anger that sometimes trigger unsuccessful actions (screams, reproaches, bad gestures ...) that prevent the resolution of the conflict and aggravate it.

But conflicts do not only occur between people (in couples, between bosses and employees, between siblings, etc.), but we must not forget about conflicts as well. interns who are exactly the same: a person has to choose between two needs and is unable to come to an agreement without frustration (go for a run or stay in the sofa; start back work or keep entertaining on the internet, etc.).

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How is conflict usually dealt with?

Traditionally, whatever the type of conflict, They are usually dealt with in one of these 3 ways.

1. Avoidance

Ignore it, let it go thinking that the conflict will go away by itself. In reality it remains stagnant, it grows and generates toxicity.

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2. Confrontation

Unleash anger and confrontation to vent frustration. But the truth is that Although one of the parties is victorious and it seems that the conflict is over, collateral damage has been generated which, in turn, will create new problems.

3. Negotiation (dialogue)

See what party A and party B want and enter into an agreement in which both parties achieve a win-win (the well-known win to win). We both won, but neither takes the big victory. Although there is some discontent for not "earning more," the negotiation does not generate collateral damage as in the previous case.

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How to bring a conflict to negotiation from Emotional Intelligence

Taking these three points into account, the key to achieving an intelligent conflict resolution is to face them through dialogue and negotiation.

The problem is that ignorance in the management of emotions (what would be called lack of Emotional Intelligence), causes that it is not known how to channel the conflict towards negotiation without first leading to any of the other points of resolution of the same.

Here are 5 key steps you can follow to resolve conflicts by applying Emotional Intelligence.

1. Identify the problem, what is causing the conflict

We are not referring to identifying the sensation it generates (discomfort, anger, sadness ...), but what is the problem that really is the basis of the conflict. Imagine that in a shared flat the two people argue continuously because one always leaves their things in between and the other person is too demanding when it comes to having everything in her place. It is clear that the central problem here is the order in the house.

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2. Friendly approach

It may be the most important step of all: many conflicts are not resolved because this step is completely ignored. It is convenient to eliminate the barriers and communicate with our interlocutor (or with ourselves) from a kind and blameless perspective.

In the example of the conflict between roommates over order, speaking with the other person from kindness and respect would be something like: “You are a person who collaborate quickly whenever I ask, but sometimes... ", instead of" attacking "directly with a" is that you always leave everything a mess and do not worry about any".

3. Find the right time and place

If anger is at stratospheric levels, there is accumulated fatigue, or we are in the middle of the street, this is not the time to try to negotiate.

We must wait for the occasion when the parties are receptive because, if not, the communication will be of no use. But do not confuse waiting with avoiding. You do not have to let the days go by, but the hours.

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4. Seek common positive intention

Behind the needs of each person in conflict, there is a common positive intention and you have to look for it. You have to ask yourself the 'for what'.

Continuing with our example of the roommates, the problem that generates the conflict is order. One of them is messy and the other is orderly, and that's where the conflict arises. But what leads one to be messy and another not? In both cases, the positive intention is to feel comfortable at home: the disorderly lives comfortable with chaos and the orderly wants everything gathered to feel relaxed where they live.

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5. Negotiation of needs

Once the previous steps have been completed, it will be possible to reach this point of negotiation. Both parties will be able to give in a little so that the positive intention of each one, the need for it, feels satisfied and the conflict is resolved.

Thus, in the case of our roommates, an agreement can be reached to try to maintain maximum order in areas common such as the living room or kitchen, but being able to keep each one in their room and in their bathroom the order that each one want.

In conclusion...

These steps are very simple and extremely effective to end arguments and conflicts of all kinds without creating new ones and without adding to frustrations, but the problem is that The development of Emotional Intelligence, key in which these can be successfully fulfilled, is still a pending issue for a large part of the population.

In our school, emotional intelligence is studied within most of our formations so that our students become people not enslaved by their emotions and are able to manage conflicts in a way effective.