The 5 keys to assertiveness in relationships with friends

Assertiveness can be used and enhanced practically in any of the facets of our social life, adapting it to our way of communicating with each person or group, and to the place where we usually interact with that person people.

In this article we are going to focus on assertiveness applied to friendship relationships, seeing why it is necessary and what we can do to benefit from it.

• Related article: "Assertiveness: extending self-esteem towards social relationships"

Why is assertiveness important in friendship relationships?

Friendship relationships allow us to establish networks of mutual support, affection and love that provide us with a good part of what allows us to enjoy life, both emotionally (possibility of finding comfort in difficult moments, of enjoying unrepeatable moments of leisure) and materially (access to more knowledge, to possible jobs, etc.).

Not for nothing is friends spoken of as "the family that is chosen", to the point that in some cases people who suffer from difficult domestic situations come to connect better with their friends than with family members.

Nevertheless, just having a group of people we call friends does not in itself make these relationships perfect, far from it. Sometimes, behind the facade of a friendship, totally toxic dynamics based on dependency, humiliation, etc. can be hidden. And even in much less extreme cases, a bond of friendship can have its lights and shadows. As social beings we are complex and we are full of nuances, and the same happens with the relationships we maintain.

That is why many people develop assertiveness problems with friends. Some problems that can arise when this occurs are the following examples:

• Others assume they may be late by meeting us
• They take for granted that they can tease our appearance beyond what makes us feel comfortable.
• They speak to each other in a language that we do not understand even though we tell them that we would like to understand the conversation and participate in it.
• They assume they can come into our visiting house whenever they want.

In situations like this, it may even be that the term "friendship" is used as a moral alibi to try that all kinds of unwanted behavior should be tolerated.

However, we have the ability to both choose and manage friendly relationships. that we want to maintain, such as "educating" our friends in the way they should treat us. And that is achieved by beginning to apply assertiveness in our dealings with them, slowly but surely. That is, expressing those ideas that represent our interests and our way of thinking, and that you see what important enough to determine that they must be respected or at least taken into account truth.

• You may be interested in: "Top 7 Causes of Toxic Relationships"

The 5 keys to developing assertiveness in front of friends

These are tips and strategies that can help you develop a more assertive communication style when dealing with friends.

Bear in mind that all these key ideas must be adapted to each particular case, and that the context in which the interaction with a person or group takes place number of people greatly influences how the communicative exchange occurs (for example, it can modify the meaning of words depending on where you speak).

1. Don't take a defensive stance, just let them know what you think

Express your opinions and what interests you, but without assuming that your interlocutor will adopt a hostile attitude when listening to you.

It is one thing to imagine that you may not like to hear what we will say to you, and another is to facilitate a confrontation by taking us the first step in a discussion, either through the tone of our voice, gestures, the way we formulate sentences... It is best to assume that, as a friend, that person will respect our decisions and points of view. view.

• Related article: "'I feel alone': 3 keys to overcome it"

2. Criticize the actions, not the person

It will be much easier for you to apply assertiveness to your friends. If by criticizing what they do, you focus on those specific behaviors, instead of referring to "his way of being" or his identity. That is, if you would like them to correct something, he talks about verbs, not adjectives.

3. If you see that a criticism can cause harm, accompany it with something positive

As friends that we are, the emotion of others matters to us; must empathize. Because, Accompany your harshest criticisms with ideas that show that you also see the positive in that person being criticized, and / or offer possible alternatives to what you would like to see changed, giving examples of what you can do so that both your interests and those of that person are respected.

• You may be interested in: "The 28 types of communication and their characteristics"

4. If your spirits have flared up a lot, save the detailed explanations for another time

If something that your friend has done has made you very angry and you do not see yourself able to maintain a constructive dialogue, It is advisable to make your emotional state clear at that time, but not to go into more details; Express yourself in a more nuanced way right afterward, when you've calmed down more. But don't let too many hours go by or you will risk giving up expressing your point of view.

5. If the situation overwhelms you, go to the psychologist

With the help of a psychology professional you will be able to better manage your emotions and learn social and communication skills fundamental.

• Related article: "The 8 benefits of going to psychological therapy"

Do you want to have professional psychological support?

If you are interested in having psychological assistance, please contact me.

I am a psychologist with many years of experience in caring for individuals and companies, and I specialize in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model. I offer face-to-face sessions (in my office in Madrid) and also online by video call.