How to recognize successful relationships?

Frequently many demands come to the consultation derived from the dissatisfaction in the area of ​​the couple's relationship. These are usually motivated by the existence of common problems that, due to their recurring nature, can raise doubts about the continuity of the relationship.

Although this determination is influenced by a significant proportion of emotional and subjective issues, such as the feelings of bonding with the other member of the couple, there are a series of factors that can be useful to objectify where the relationship is, if this can provide a sufficient level of satisfaction or if the problems that arise can be resolved favorably.

• Related article: "The 5 types of couples therapy"

Types of couple relationship

In the eighties Robert Sternberg he proposed the well-known Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg, 1986) from which they described three main components in romantic relationships, which made up what the author called consummate or complete love: intimacy, commitment and passion.

Thus, a healthy and satisfactory relationship usually has the three factors in balance, since the The absence of any of them can lead to other types of love, such as fatuous or crazy love (lack of intimacy), the romantic love (absence of commitment) or sociable love (absence of passion).

This type of analysis is key, since sometimes there is a tendency to confuse a partner or social love (especially in couples of long duration) with a consummate love, and this generates an attitude of passive conformity that prevents the search or recovery of a love more full.

Another of the classifications to which experts in this area seem to grant a certain consensus in the discernment about the level of marital satisfaction refers to the degree of independence established between the two. In this sense, there are four types of conjugal ties.

1. Healthy relationship

In this style of relationship, both members of the couple have individual areas (professional area, leisure area and particular interests, area of ​​social relationships, etc.) and there are also areas shared by the couple, in a that the independence of each one is respected and the dedication to each of them is at a balanced level.

2. Insane relationship

It is characterized by the absence of individual areas in each member of the couple, so the plot relative to the relationship occupies the entire time of both members and a full dedication to fostering this bond is conceived, neglecting the rest of personal areas.

3. Dependent relationship

This type of link implies a dynamic of dominance-submission roles in the couple, by which the dependent member presents an exclusive dedication to the couple relationship, while the other party does have independent personal areas outside the marital area. This inequality frequently leads to the development of insecurity, low self-esteem, jealousy and recurrent conflicts and tensions between the two.

4. Empty relationship

This kind of relationship consists of the total independence of the personal areas of each member, and there is an absolute absence of shared areas between the two.

• You may be interested in: "Relationship problems: what causes them, and how are they treated in psychology"

Indicators of healthy love

As can be seen, the profile that is most likely to provide satisfaction to the couple relationship corresponds to the first type.

Thus, a healthy dynamic presents characteristics such as mutual respect, freedom / equality and independence of each of the members, presence of effective and empathetic communication between both and, finally, co-responsibility and autonomy of each individual.

These elements are reflected in concrete actions and attitudes such as the following.

• Each of the members of the couple accepts the other and does not intend to change her personality or shape her character for their own convenience.
• Behaviors and messages of positive validation and mutual recognition are given.
• There is a perception of support, understanding and accompaniment between both parties, as well as gestures of encouragement to undertake personal goals and objectives.
• You have an effective communication capacity to reach solutions and agreements that allow you to resolve conflicts in a consensual manner.
• Both parties respect each other both emotionally and with concrete acts and actions.
• There is a balance between emotional self-care and caring for the other.
• The idea of ​​ending the couple's relationship is not frequently given, nor the existence of continuous doubts about the proposal of a possible breakup.

The 5 types of love language

A third aspect that can be subjected to observation and analysis consists of determining the type of love language that each individual expresses in a primary and / or secondary way. This classification was proposed by the author Gary Chapman in his work "The 5 languages ​​of love", where he defended as a relevant factor for the development of a higher level of well-being in interpersonal relationships and, especially in the couple, the fact of know which of the five types of love language is manifested as primary and secondary (more developed than the rest of languages) in each member of the couple.

Thus, a significant part of the conflicts between both parties arise because each person presents a different language as primary or secondary, so the signs of love that one exercises are not perceived in a valuable way by the other. In addition, the author highlights the relevance of avoiding the mistake of assuming that the other part of the couple must spontaneously or telepathically express the language of love that is expected of she. The five types proposed by the author are as follows.

1. Words

Express appreciation verbally, praise, congratulate the other person, say "I love you" or "I like how you are", etc.

• You may be interested in: "The 28 types of communication and their characteristics"

2. Quality timeshare

Actively listening to the other when expressing their feelings or opinions, being for the other person instead of being with the other person, carry out joint activities without interruptions, enjoy shared time just by being together, etc.

• Related article: "Active listening: the key to communicating with others"

3. Gifts

Offer both material and non-material details, invest time in developing a gift regardless of economic value, give gifts considering the interests and concerns of the other person, etc.

4. Acts of service

Perform acts to facilitate or help make the life of the other easier voluntarily and without expecting anything in return, simply by wanting to take care of the other.

5. Physical contact

Physical displays of affection such as caressing, hugging, holding hands, kissing, giving a massage, etc.

• Related article: "What is affection and why does it mark us throughout life?"

In conclusion...

After the above, there are many aspects that are interrelated in determining the level of well-being and / or happiness that a couple's relationship brings to each of the members.

It is important avoid falling into bias when considering exclusively sentimental aspects such as the degree of infatuation or affection that emerges from such a bond, there are a number of more testable indicators that can add a more rational perspective on how satisfying and healthy such a marital bonding and thus be able to delimit in a more rigorous way both the origin and the possible solutions to marital problems detected.