María Hernández Mendoza: "The mediator is an expert in calming down spirits"

Personal relationships take on a deeper and more complex dimension when we talk about family relationships. Aspects such as having lived together for years, having gone through multiple discussions with greater or lesser success or the expectations generated from of the roles of "father", "mother" or "child" are elements that, many times, facilitate the appearance of conflicts that remain for weeks, months or even years.

Fortunately, there are specialized services to help people resolve family conflicts. In this interview We spoke with a professional in this field, the family therapist María Hernández Mendoza.

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Interview with María Hernández Mendoza: family mediation and conflict resolution in the family

María Hernández Mendoza is a social worker and family therapist specialized in family therapy systemic, in addition to being part of the management team of Centro Familiar MOMA, which is located in Madrid. In this interview she tells us about conflict resolution in the family environment through mediation.

What exactly is family mediation and how is it different from other forms of psychological intervention?

Family mediation is the process by which, through dialogue and negotiation, the resolution of the conflicts arisen between the members of the family. It is based, thanks to the intervention of an expert mediation professional, on the agreement between all those affected to achieve a joint purpose that satisfies all parties.

Let's say that the main objective of family mediation must be summarized in a single sentence. What would?

Manage and resolve a family conflict in an equitable and satisfactory way with the help of a mediator figure.

What are the types of family conflicts that are most frequently seen among those who attend family mediation sessions?

The most common conflicts stem from divorce proceedings and / or separation, especially when there are children in common.

When a couple decides to separate, there is a strong emotional charge, since many have shared with the other person. intimate and everyday aspects of life (in addition to materials), so it can become a difficult path to transit. If there are also children or other family members involved in the conflict, the process becomes more complex as many beliefs, attitudes and alliances or feelings of rejection are intertwined among all them.

Another great conflict is found in the relationships between parents and children, especially in the stage of adolescence. Actually, at any moment a mediating intervention may be needed, since the family is subjected to changes inherent in the life stages. If this family does not have the capacity to adapt to changes, conflicts will arise.

In what way is it favored that no fights arise in the sessions that impede proper communication between the parties?

The mediator is an expert in calming down; The first task that he carries out is to lower the tension between family members so that they can vent and be in reasoning situation, because when one is in a state of agitation, passion rules and, in a certain way, this incapacitates us to think in a way. serene.

This relief must be done in the best possible way, without falling into generalizations, insults, humiliation or contempt. It is not easy to do it, but it can be learned, we have to express our needs and tastes in a effective, we must know how to have good communication with our loved ones, assertiveness is the key. This will not only affect our personal well-being, but will also improve our way of relating to the rest of the world.

And how do you get everyone involved to have the opportunity to express themselves freely, without giving in to pressure?

The mediator facilitates a time for each member to express their feelings honestly, avoiding that they get into discussions or do not respect their turn, the mediation space It is a space of tranquility and meeting in which there is no room for personal battles, everyone commits from the beginning to row in the same direction looking for a goal common.

We bear in mind that participation in a mediation process is voluntary, therefore that no one is obliged to attend, on this basis the willingness to collaborate is more present .

More or less, what is the moment when family mediation succeeds in making the relationship between family members give a qualitative change for the better?

The moment they take their share of responsibility in the conflict, they understand how the people are feeling. other members of their family and commit to change to achieve a common improvement in the resolution of the trouble. In most cases everyone is suffering, but nobody knows it, because it is not said.

Are there key principles or ideas of family mediation that can be used by people without training in the field to manage the discussions that they experience in their private lives?

Yes, of course. The key is to communicate through empathy, active listening, respect and mutual collaboration. In short, knowing how to put yourself in the shoes of the other.

We have to learn to behave in a mature way in our relationships. It is difficult for us because we have not been taught to do it since we were little; however, that skill is being learned. When there is good will, much progress is made in relationships, radically changing our outlook.

What aspects of family mediation are most satisfactory from the point of view of the professionals who direct and stimulate it?

The most satisfactory thing for the mediator is to verify that his work can have a positive effect on the family, to see how their attitudes change and the coexistence at home improves substantially. The best thing about this job is the satisfaction of seeing how the tension on his faces has disappeared, that finally they reflect tranquility and well-being, and they convey that their life has taken an important turn in many Aspects.