Self-demands: how 'shoulds' can lead to anxiety

Our self-esteem is almost never static; there is always a tension between what we are and what we should be. This is something totally natural and even positive; in fact, it is a good part of what makes us capable of being motivated by various of the things that life offers us.

However, when "we get out of hand" with these self-demands, the most common is that we develop emotional problems or even stop being able to move towards our goals.

In this article We will see how self-demands can negatively affect us when we do not manage them well, and how these kinds of situations lead to a rise in our anxiety level.

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When do self-demands become problems?

It is often said that what distinguishes us from other animals is our ability to reason with starting from what we observe in our environment and producing thoughts of a high level of abstraction. However, this is debatable.

In fact, beyond this idealized view of the

Homo sapiens Like being able to think on your own, there is another somewhat more prosaic reality: If we are capable of thinking in such complex and nuanced ways, it is because we are capable of living integrated in societies of enormous size, which are relatively stable, and in which ideas flow constantly. And this implies that human existence is linked to the need to constantly follow a large number of rules, both written and unwritten, that make coexistence possible.

This tendency to live immersed in social dynamics full of norms means that we do not even see them as something external to ourselves; In many cases, we internalize these types of behavioral guidelines, and when we value ourselves and shape our self-esteem, we do so in light of a series of self-demands: we compare our real "I" with the "I" that we should bebased on our most fundamental beliefs and values.

Even if we have enough resources to not have to work too hard to achieve the most basic resources, in most cases we place ourselves at ourselves moral guidelines, lines that separate between what is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable behavior, going beyond what is necessary to obey the law. We seem to limit ourselves unnecessarily, but we are not; it is part of our trend towards adopting a collaborative mindset. We want to be seen and accepted by the vast majority of people, including ourselves.

But carrying one demand after another is not a guarantee of being at peace with ourselves. Not only because there comes a point where effort exhausts us; Furthermore, aspiring to meet overly ambitious requirements can be used to hide certain insecurities, and to neglect some aspects of our lives with the excuse of being "very focused" on becoming what in theory we care to get To be. This kind of imbalance leads us directly to problems due to excess anxiety..

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Elements of self-demand that give rise to anxiety

These are the factors that can cause self-demands to lead to an anxiety problem.

1. A self-esteem too anchored to social pressure

There are people who are only capable of valuing themselves insofar as they are capable of conforming to a set of highly conventional stereotypes and expectations that society has imposed on its identity. This is also reflected in a lack of assertiveness in expressing what one thinks and wants for oneself.

A clear example of this is found in gender roles and their influence on many women, who even having paid work they strive to carry out most of the household chores in order to carry the stigma of leaving the concept of "what feminine".

Of course, it cannot be said that in these cases the problem is only in the way in which these people manage their emotions and their way of aspiring to be someone better; there are social dynamics that go beyond the individual and give rise to many too rigid "shoulds".

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2. Self-demands used to avoid other problems

It is not uncommon for people to carry a large quantity of goods on their backs. responsibilities in a certain area of ​​your life as long as you don't have to responsibilities of another kind. Although doing that involves throwing time and effort into a bottomless pit (since they have no notion of when they are sacrificing too much to achieve their goal), they feel that at least that brings order to their lives, by creating a routine that focuses all their attention.

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3. Accumulation of self-demands so as not to adopt a strategic vision

This is a phenomenon that occurs especially in people with little experience in a type of work or project: they try to be constantly doing things, in a desperate way of trying to compensate for your lack of judgment about what works and what does not work. As time passes, the level of anxiety increases when not seeing positive results.

4. Distrust of the idea of ​​delegating

Another source of anxiety through excessive self-demand appears in people who do not consider delegating tasks, because they consistently take for granted that taking no such risk is part of their responsibility. It occurs especially in those who have developed a level of perfectionism that becomes dysfunctional.

• Related article: "Dysfunctional perfectionism: causes, symptoms and treatment"

5. Belief that health is disconnected from performance

Finally, another way to suffer problems due to poor management of self-demands has to do with understand that our health and our responsibilities are two clearly separate elements. This kind of thinking means that, for example, many people sacrifice many hours of sleep a week in order to carry more work.

Of course, this belief is wrong; In fact, our ability to concentrate is seriously affected in a matter of a few hours as soon as lack of sleep or excess stress begins to emerge.

Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you are interested in starting a psychotherapy process, get in touch with me. I am a General Health Psychologist with experience in caring for people of all ages, and I offer the possibility of conducting face-to-face or online sessions.