The example, a great teacher

When making the decision to live as a couple, it should be taken into account that this union will be formed by two people with their own singularities and clear differences, among other things because they had very particular family environments, which formed them to be who are they.

Thus, when it comes to facing a relationship crisis, each one will try to solve it according to what they have learned. All the complexity of human behavior it has to do with their way of parenting, since it is from there where the person takes the referents of her to respond to the circumstances that she must face.

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Learning from family references

The way in which we interpret the circumstances that we live is directly related to the unconscious modeling that each one has, and that is copied directly from the example he received from his parents. Although each member of the couple has lived very particular situations, it is amazing how these experiences are connected in order to teach each one

what you must learn to avoid repeating these patterns.

The problem, I would say, begins in the phase of infatuation, because most of the trauma acquired in the childhood phase are not visible, but as people spend more time together, Situations arise that will accentuate differences, unleashing an avalanche of problems and sufferings that hide patterns and learnings, causing an extremely difficult coexistence that could even end in the breakdown of the relationship.

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Battered children and abusive adults

Abuse is one of the most consulted topics in therapeutic processes and on very few occasions people are aware of what really motivates them to be aggressive in their relationships as a couple or family. For some, it is quite a discovery to realize the pattern they repeat and the lesson they need learn, and the most unfortunate thing is that in many cases it is too late to repair all the damage they have caused.

This dysfunctional dynamic that occurs between the couple is not the product of chance, because in cases like this both, to a greater or lesser extent, To a lesser extent, they suffered situations of abuse, and although these circumstances may have been similar, it did not affect them in the same way. way.

Patterns of abuse set during parenting are the product of environments where they frequently witnessed fights between parents, where the father was abusive and attacked the mother, and many of these fights, were triggered by the constant claims of the mother, that she realized that her partner was unfaithful and / or irresponsible with the needs of the home, or because he abused alcohol, or because the children were also physically and / or psychologically abused, etc.

When they find themselves immersed in a sea of ​​suffering and without the possibility of change on the part of their partner, over the years many mothers decide to separate and carry on raising their children. This situation, which was the only viable option (although having allowed a lot of time), also formed patterns of behavior that affected the children in different ways. These patterns, which are part of the human unconscious, become translators of the reality of each one; the interpretation they give to the circumstance they live in the present is the one they use to continue living their daily circumstances.

These patterns form translators who act mechanically and instinctively. For example, when something happens in the family dynamics with which they do not agree, the pattern of anger wrongly translates that it is necessary to respond to that disagreement, with blows or insults; and so on totally dysfunctional behaviors appear where resentment emerges, low self-esteem, irresponsibility, dishonesty in the relationship, abandonment or helplessness syndrome, inclination towards vices, etc.

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A change of roles

When the separation of the parents happens at a very early age from the children, the void generated by the father figure in both boys and girls is very different. In general, the mother has to assume these two roles, and in many cases she has to use the help of her child or eldest daughter, who assumes a leadership role to complement tasks, especially with the care of their her brothers.

This assignment of tasks at an early age has caused a lot of frustration and anger towards the father, but also towards the mother, because many of them they stopped living their normal stages of development to become precocious adults to bear the burdens imposed by the mother.

For certain adults, the mother's words ("now you are the man of the house") continue to weigh in a dysfunctional way, although time has passed and they have made their own lives.