How is psychotherapy in the face of mourning the death of a child?

Of all the deaths that we can live in our environment, that of a child is one of those that can be the most traumatic. No father or mother is expected to survive his son, much less when he dies still very young.

Grief over the death of a child is one of the most difficult processes that parents can go through and, if not properly managed, it can degenerate into pathological grief.

This is why it is so important psychotherapy when grieving the death of a child, an issue that we are going to talk about in the following lines and we are going to break down how parents live this process.

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What is grief?

Although death is the only certainty that exists in this life, it is still a taboo subject in our society. The impediment of talking about death openly is even more noticeable when it comes to the death of a child. In these cases, the tendency is to hide it even more, considering it inappropriate and not very tactful. bring up the subject or address it in a conversation with family members, much less with the parents of the passed away.

It is true that time can heal the sadness and pain that the death of a child brings, but on many occasions it is necessary to address it openly to avoid developing a duel pathological. This is especially important since the death of a child is one of the most traumatic events anyone can face. That is why psychotherapy is so necessary when grieving the death of a child.

But before talking about the importance of psychotherapy and its role in coping with the death of a child, let's talk about what is meant by grief. Since there are few occasions when death can be discussed openly, we will now take advantage of it. Grief is defined as a normal adaptive response to a significant event for the person, which could be both the death of a loved one and the breakup of a couple or the loss of job.

Mourning someone's death It does not stop being part of our life, but despite this it does not stop being a painful and stressful life process. This pain reaches titanic proportions when the deceased is our son, entering an extremely heartbreaking episode and for which no parent is prepared. The children are supposed to survive the parents, and not the other way around.

Grief is a very complex process, experienced in a unique and unrepeatable way, with a great impact on the emotions of those who experience it. The duration of this process is highly variable, although specialists agree that it ranges from six months to one year, during which they live and go through various phases (denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance). This does not mean that after a year everyone is fully recovered. Each one lives it in their own way, and the sequels that follow are also very varied and unique.

The duration and intensity of the grief depends on multiple factors, being kinship and relationship with the deceased person the parameter that most predicts how intense and prolonged this period will be. The type of death also affects, since it is not the same to experience the death of a relative who had been ill for years than one who has suffered a sudden and violent death.

It may happen, surprising as it may seem to some, that grief can be lived without the person being aware that they are going through it. The level of consciousness of it is relative.

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Characteristics of mourning the death of a child

The death of a child is a highly traumatic and harsh event. No parent expects his son or daughter to die before him. For this reason we can say that the characteristics of mourning the death of a child are very different from those expected of a child. mourning caused by the death of another relative that, although still painful, is not as painful as the loss of a child. If this child was an only child or a newborn, death can be even more traumatic.

Between the characteristics of the mourning for the death of a child shared with the rest of the mourning we find:

• Social isolation: low interaction with family, friends and general social circle.
• Abandonment of activities of interest
• Appearance of mental health problems: anxiety disorder, depression, substance abuse ...
• Increased risk of death from suicide
• Somatization: physical pain, nausea, insomnia... caused by emotional distress
• Overwhelming emotions: hopelessness, guilt, sadness, anger ...

Among the emotional and behavioral patterns shared by parents who have just lost a child we find:

• Denial

• Emotional shock

• Altered perception of time

• Strong emotional pain and sadness

• Tiredness

• Culpability

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Therapy when grieving the death of a child

Coping with the death of a child is a process more full of valleys than peaks, for which the help of a professional is essential to be able to overcome it in the most natural and healthy way possible.

It is necessary for parents and the rest of the family nucleus to establish fluid communication about the feelings and emotional difficulties associated with the process instead of trying to hide everything by trying to be strong.

Since parents will be devastated as soon as their child's death occurs, it is highly necessary that they delegate household chores and other daily habits to family and acquaintances willing to help you in these difficult times. Simple things like shopping or cleaning the dishes become titanic tasks for a person who has just lost their child and, although they do not want to admit it, they need help. The psychologist will be the one to help them regain normalcy after a restorative therapy process.

In therapy with parents who have just suffered the death of a child, the following two aspects are mainly worked on.

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Talk openly about what happened

One of the goals is getting parents to talk openly about their child's death as a way to manage their feelings about this experience. This also focuses on getting them to assertively say how they feel to trusted people, to avoid isolating themselves and, also, for the environment to play a therapeutic role when seeing parents who continue to need help, even if their outward appearance does not suggest.

On many occasions it happens that these parents run the risk of isolating themselves because, although the first days are sheltered by their social circle, after a time these acquaintances resume their activities, returning to their routines. But for parents not returning to the routine is not so easy, as they will continue with a deceased child forever.

That is why it is so important that they achieve find that person in their environment with whom they do feel understood. If that person also participates in therapy, attending sessions with the clinician and the parent, the better.

With the help of the psychologist, parents are also able to return to their old routines and get out of depression by activating. The therapist will motivate them to start little by little to do things to regain their normality, such as exercising, setting time to go to bed and get up, maintain personal hygiene, return to work, take care of food... All this will facilitate your process of gaining strength to better cope with the duel.

Acceptance

One of the keys in the grieving process and that will determine how healthy it ends up being is acceptance. The whole process being very personal, accepting the loss after the death of a child helps parents to overcome the pain and close the grieving process in a non-traumatic way and with the least sequelae possible.

With acceptance, sadness, which will not cease to be present, will be more adaptive, giving rise to other emotions that will allow you to live your life. Acceptance will be a key aspect for parents to gradually resume the activities for which they before they felt pleasure and made to feel that they have a purpose in life, that life is worthwhile live it.

In therapy parents are made aware that by feeling happy they are not betraying the memory of their child. On the contrary, they are made aware that surely their son, wherever he is, wanted them to be happy and to move on.