Fear of rejection and abandonment: what it really means and how to manage it

One of the most frequent fears we feel today is abandonment and rejection, two similar sensations that feed off each other.. Feeling rejection, a feeling similar to frustration, leads us towards a feeling of abandonment where we immerse ourselves more in feelings of loneliness, discouragement and emptiness.

These fears often occur frequently in couple experiences, but they also occur in family, social, or friendly contexts. It also happens when we feel the need to bond with someone and that experience seems to elude us or is denied.

What is the origin of the problem? Is the problem really in what happens, or in how we understand and manage it?

• Related article: "What is fear for?"

Understanding the fear of abandonment and rejection

One of the most common problems when it comes to wanting and needing to live a process of personal change is usually in relationships, whether in a relationship, socially or at work. In psychological consultation it is common to work with this type of difficulties.

Although people often don't consider the problem at first (they think more about insecurity, discouragement or relationship problems in general) as the process progresses we discover that these two fears are there, conditioning relationships.

That is, it is not that these two fears are a consequence of what happens to us, but that the fact that they are present conditions what happens.

Sometimes this seems strange to us but it is what really happens. Are we crying because we are sad, or are we sad because we cry? Although we tend to think of the former, we actually work in reverse. It is our previous actions, thoughts, interpretations and emotions that determine what happens to us and they lead us, over and over again, to that unpleasant feeling of rejection and abandonment.

My name is Rubén Camacho, psychologist and coach of Human Empowerment. For 11 years I have been accompanying people in their personal change processes, and this difficulty is one of the most frequent. In this article we have several objectives: first, to know what the origin of these really is. sensations (that is, how you understand and manage what has happened to you and is happening so that you continue feeling like this); second, find out what they lead you to; and, finally, learn to manage it to get the change you deserve and need (not with magic keys and general but from your own personal change, since this is what really works, is internalized and helps you to forever). Let's go there!

• You may be interested in: "12 tips to overcome emotional dependence"

The meaning of fear of rejection and abandonment

It may seem obvious, but... What does the fear of rejection and abandonment mean?

The fear of rejection is not only the fear that others will reject us, but the fear that your well-being, your self-concept and your own self-esteem will be damaged due to the behaviors of others. That is to say: your well-being is depending on what you cannot control. In this case, it depends on what we interpret as a rejection. You may feel and think that rejection does occur, but here it is positive that we also ask ourselves what exactly rejection is.

The human being, in a natural way, rejects. We are beings with a limited capacity to process information. We are constantly accepting and rejecting. Sometimes we can refuse to even be with our loved ones or face a certain conversation or activity.

However, we are able to understand this in a relationship based on trust. When a relationship is based on insecurity, either because it is not built or because there is fragility, it is common to feel that the other rejects precisely because we are observing that rejection, waiting to interpret any behavior of the other to understand it as a rejection.

Try to imagine that you are very scared of dogs. What do you do when you see a dog on the street? You immediately cross the sidewalk. So is the dog dangerous? When you cross the sidewalk you feel more security but you validate the idea that the dog was a danger, since moving away from him makes you feel more peace.

In the same way, the fact of feeling fear of rejection makes us interpret what happens as a future possibility of danger. In turn, this conditions our behaviors, which can generate conflicts in relationships.

In relation to the fear of abandonment, it is usually a consequence of the fear of rejection. If the rejection is experienced through frustration or anxiety, abandonment moves us to a feeling of emptiness, helplessness or discouragement. Abandonment is a void because we feel that we do not connect or bond with the people we need. In turn, this feeling is based on the way in which we have learned to build our relationships or attachment bonds: whether from trust or insecurity.

In both cases the conflict is the same: that your well-being depends on external factors, which you cannot control. This is what makes your self-esteem not work, since depending on something external makes us feel anxiety and a constant sense of loss. When our well-being depends too much on external factors, it is usually due to attitudes such as demands, comparisons, expectations, feelings that come from fear and insecurity.

The meaning of fear of rejection and abandonment is the consequence of believing that we can live without ties, which distresses us. The human being needs links, to live relationships and experiences with the other. However, these fears do not inform us about a real danger (a human being who lives with well-being and confidence does not have difficulties to experience quality links, although there are also conflicts) but overcondition us because we have not learned to understand them and manage them.

• Related article: "The 3 main causes of deep discouragement"

The consequences of the fear of abandonment and rejection

In the same way that the fear of the dog leads us to cross the sidewalk, the fear of abandonment and rejection leads us precisely not to live our ties from trust, but to live them from alertness, mistrust, insecurity and anxiety.

We try to control relationships or, on the contrary, we do not allow ourselves the experience of connecting affectively (for fear of possible rejection of the other).

Living too long according to these emotions demotivates us and makes us feel that there is a neglected part of us. In turn, it is often common that either we turn our energies into another aspect of our life (work, projects) or that, on the contrary, we focus too much on relationships and live them too intense.

Insecurity, fear and anxiety, over time, cause us intrusive thoughts, tiredness, sleep or eating problems, muscle stress, and a constant feeling of exhaustion and stress. However, as we speak, the problem is not in those emotions... but in how do you understand and manage them.

• You may be interested in: "Emotional management: 10 keys to master your emotions"

The solution is in your own personal change

Trying to solve the fear of abandonment and rejection with magic keys is like trying to make a cooking recipe through an Instagram video. Every kitchen, pan, and ingredient is different. In your case, it is about understanding first of all how you approach your relationships, from where you build them, and above all how you have learned to generate bonds of attachment.

It is true that we cannot go back and change all this, but it is true that what you feel now is a result of what you often do.

Working comprehensively on you, from your emotions, actions, interpretations and relationship style, it is possible to deepen what you believe about yourself and the relationship and build a style of self-esteem where your well-being depends mainly on you.

When we achieve this it does not mean that conflicts disappear, but that they do not weigh us down so much, we know how to understand situations with more perspective and we can feel more well-being and fulfillment. From your own change, your links also change.

However, it is important to work with a personal change in a complete way, taking care of your belief system. as a style of self-esteem, communication and relationships, and above all actions (nothing changes if we do not do something different). The key aspect to improve this problem is learning to understand and manage your emotions, not just the fear of rejection and abandonment, but all related emotions (fear, insecurity, anguish, discouragement, frustration, guilt, etc.).

Human beings are emotional beings and each emotion has its reason for being. Problems come when we have not learned to manage them functionally.

Do you want to have psychological support and coaching?

If you want to solve this problem and live a process of profound but also practical change, which will lead you to achieve the changes that you need and above all that they last over time, you can visit Human Empowerment to schedule an exploratory session with me.

In that session, which we can have via WhatsApp and where you only need to be in a comfortable and private place for you, we can meet, delve into your situation, discover the origin of the problem, and above all see how I can accompany you to achieve the change that you you deserve.

I send you lots of encouragement and remember that from your own change, everything else will change.

Thanks for thinking of you, Rubén.