What is a childhood emotional injury?

A childhood emotional injury is an emotional damage that occurs when we are children. This emotional damage exceeds the child's ability to integrate and make sense of what is happening to him and process the emotions that are generated from it.

The emotional wound becomes entrenched, does not heal, and continues to bleed when we are adults.

• Related article: "The 6 stages of childhood (physical and mental development)"

What is the origin of a childhood emotional injury?

The emotional wound is generated by our parents, often without bad intention, since they carry their own injured children and do what they can; and school, a first environment in which we can live a very happy stage or a terrifying stage in which they can do us a lot of harm.

Secondly, childhood emotional wounds cause us low self-esteem, generating insecurity in the world and in the relationships we establish. They make us develop false limiting beliefs about ourselves, such as that we do not deserve love, we are bad, we are not enough or we cannot trust others and the world.

In addition, it disconnects us from our natural ability to listen and feel emotions. Our emotional compass is broken, and, therefore, our needs that arise from these emotions go into the background.

• You may be interested in: "The 6 differences between sadness and depression"

The 7 childhood emotional wounds

I ask you some questions so that you can detect if you have any of the 7 childhood wounds that I am going to talk to you about later.

Do you feel fragile? That you don't love yourself? That you give everything for others, but it is difficult for you to think about yourself? Is it difficult for you to manage your emotions? Do you have painful memories of the past that you prefer not to look at? Are you afraid of loving someone? Are you afraid that they will stop loving you? Are you afraid of losing the other? Are you ashamed to expose yourself to others? Are you afraid of being rejected?

I have to tell you that what I am going to explain to you next is not only part of my academic training, but also of the experience I have had with all my patients. The characteristics that you are going to read for each wound are not exclusive to that wound; you may come across some characteristic of another wound that also probably belongs to yours. Nothing is black or white in psychology.

1. Wound of abandonment

When we talk about this wound we refer to a very intense fear that the other will abandon us or stop loving us. It comes from parents who have been absent physically or emotionally or parents who have been overly protective of us. From here, therefore:

• I will seek fusion and total dependence in my relationships.
• I feel the other person's faults and mistakes as my own, as do his emotions. I find it difficult to separate and differentiate myself from the other.
• I will have an enormous terror of loneliness.
• It could be that I am a little jealous and distrustful of my partner.
• I will get used to noticing all those signs that indicate that my partner may not be well with me: he has not written me the Good morning as always, it takes a long time to get home, you haven't told me what time you arrive, you talk too much with that girl or boy, etc.
• I will tend to please the other.
• I will seek control and persecution in my relationships for fear that the other will leave and leave me.
• I will behave like a girl or a boy: let the other take care of me, pamper me, and advise me. Sometimes, it is the other way around, I will tend to be the mother or father of the other so that he depends on me and never leaves ...

2. Rejection wound

It comes from parents who have not accepted us because of how we are unconditionally and it is always linked to a stage of bullying. From this wound we feel a very intense fear that the other will reject me for who I am. Let's see some of its characteristics:

• We will seek to avoid conflict at all costs, feeling bad about ourselves and with great fear and feeling of helplessness.
• We will be hypersensitive to criticism.
• Clear disconnection with anger: we will not know how to set limits and we will tend to please everyone.
• I try to go unnoticed, not to be seen.

3. Hurt of humiliation

We feel that there is some defect within ourselves. It comes from parents who have ridiculed us for our way of being or for our physique. Especially associated with controlling mothers, perfectionists, and who give excessive importance to what they will say, to the body and to the image. It is also often closely associated with bullying at school and within the family by cousins ​​or siblings, that is, by equals.

• Toxic self-shame as a core emotion.
• Tendency not to show defects or weaknesses, to go strong with a false armor.
• Imposter syndrome: being very smart, but feeling that I am never enough and that I am inept.
• Seeking perfection and excellence in everything I do or say.
• Hypersensitivity to criticism.
• Repression of parts of myself that I don't like and that I reject / hate.
• Coldness.
• Overcompensating in a narcissistic way, thinking that I am the best in my job (although with others I only show humility) and in everything I do, even though later I continue to feel that I am worthless.
• Hypervigilance and alert all the time, as if I had to hide something, a part of me that I do not accept and that others will see as an absolute fraud.
• Tendency to groom myself a lot physically to give a good image of myself, reaching excellence and perfection.
• Problems with food, from restriction to bingeing.

4. Betrayal wound

It arises when our parents have disappointed us on more than one occasion. The signs are as follows:

• I distrust the world, life, and everyone. I have lost hope in humanity.
• I am rigid and intolerant.
• I get very upset and personalize that you do not love me for small details such as: I speak to you and you do not listen to me, you arrive 5 minutes late for our appointment, I tell you something and you tell it to someone else, you don't remember my birthday, etc.
• I have a hard time trusting you, giving myself to the bond and letting myself be loved.
• I am constantly on the alert for small details. I control. If you fail me in a small thing I will keep at a distance and from paranoia in our bond.

5. Wound of guilt

When we tend to take responsibility for everything and everyone. It comes from families in which we have had the role of taking responsibility for the hurts and emotions of our families. In experiences like this, usually we have grown up as adultized children, maturing before their time. We are the best caregivers and protector of others, but we do not know how to take care of ourselves. Tracks:

• I am a highly responsible person with what I do, with my life and with my studies.
• I am very organized and decisive.
• I tend to take care of the other person so much that sometimes they get overwhelmed.
• I feel the other person's faults and mistakes as my own, as do his emotions. I find it difficult to separate myself from the other.
• I find it difficult to ask for help and talk about what I feel, because I am used to taking care of the other.
• I feel guilty if I don't take care of you. Easily blackmailed if you put yourself in a victim role.
• I can't stop helping you because if I don't, I don't feel loved.

6. Wound of injustice

Comes from situations that we have experienced in our families of origin as unjust, both between our parents and with ourselves. Especially, it comes from a father who has been rigid and intolerant of his son, who looks at society from injustice and non-acceptance and gets involved in politics, economics, etc. I have this wound if:

• I am a defender of lost causes: I participate in NGOs, constantly volunteer, demonstrations, I burn containers, I am a revolutionary, etc.
• Highly strict morality: I try never to lie and never hurt anyone. It bothers me a lot when the other does not take me into account and is unfair to me.
• I am self-demanding with myself and with my life, my responsibilities and even with my own body.

7. Recognition wound

Arises when we have not felt valued in our families of origin and / or when what we have done has never been enough in the eyes of others. Or, on the contrary, when they have valued us so much for this that we feel that we are nothing because there is no more identity beyond that. Or when our self esteem it is only linked to academics. When we have had highly demanding and perfectionist parents, who especially valued studies and academics.

It also occurs in people who are dedicated to high standing positions, medical type, engineer, research doctor, employee in an international competitive company, etc. I have this wound if:

• I get very angry if the other corrects me, for me it is important to do everything perfectly. I can get so defensive that I just burst out of anger. It seems like I never have mistakes.
• Rigid beliefs about perfection, excellence, not stopping, not resting ...
• Emotional repression, vision of emotions from things that are bad, they make me vulnerable and that I must control.
• Tendency to develop compulsive mechanisms to release contained emotions: eating, cleaning, obsessive thoughts, excessive gym ...
• Limiting beliefs of the style: I am not worth it, it is never enough, I have to be perfect, I have to be able to with everything, etc.
• Terror of failure in the academic-work environment and pathological association of self-care with failure: intense fear of postpone the delivery of a job, change jobs if I do not feel well, stop, set limits, leave at my time, rest, etc.
• Frequent anxiety attacks and chronic stress, I am always thinking about what will be my next work step that will give me success and stability
• Imposter syndrome: I am objectively very intelligent but I don't believe it, I feel that I am useless and clumsy.

• You may be interested in: "The 6 characteristics of childhood trauma"

How to heal each of the 7 childhood wounds?

The first case is to realize and recognize that we have a childhood emotional wound. Afterwards, it is necessary to know that the only way to heal it is by taking responsibility for it and not blaming anyone.

The second step is the same for all people: cry, get angry, feel... walk through the wound. Not from a rational part, but from the guts. This can only be done with a specialized therapist.

The third step is learn to love you, look at you, listen to you and prioritize you from the affection and unconditional love.

The fourth step, and here each one has their specific route, is to do things that we have never done because of this injury. I give you some quick tips for each wound.

1. Wound of abandonment

Practice autonomy, learn to live with loneliness, do things alone or alone, regulate your emotions alone, etc.

• You may be interested in: "Unwanted loneliness: what is it and how can we combat it"

2. Rejection wound

Practice exposing what you feel or think more often. Be you, more authentic and consistent with yourself. Let go of fear and get more angry. Start by setting limits to the people you trust the most and then to the world: defend yourself if someone skips the line at the supermarket, ask the waiter to change your plate, etc.

• Related article: "Extreme shyness: what it is, causes, and how to overcome it"

3. Hurt of humiliation

Expose the parts of yourself that you like least, accept them, love them and show them. Breathe your shame as you feel it on your body, get used to it until it goes away. Tell yourself that you can allow yourself to be insecure and that it doesn't say anything bad about you. It makes you human.

4. Betrayal wound

Learn to trust. Be open to the possibility that the other may betray you. Let go of control. Little by little, expose your vulnerable part. Let yourself be loved.

5. Wound of guilt

Stop caring. Focus on taking care of yourself. Learn to sustain anguish when the other can't, gets frustrated, and crashes. It has to learn and grow. Save yourself, you are the one who needs help.

6. Wound of injustice

Stop to the complaint. Accept that the world is cruel and unfair and that you cannot change it. Let go of resentment and anger. It connects with what is below, which is usually pain. Allow yourself to be unfair from time to time. You are not a robot, you have feelings and sometimes you are wrong, others feel jealousy and envy, and that's okay.

7. Recognition wound

Take care of yourself, spend less time at work and dedicate it to yourself. Let go of control. Breathe Flowing. You do not need to prove anything to anyone or test yourself. You are enough Love yourself like this, with your imperfections and for who you are, not for what you do.