Controlling people: 8 characteristics that give them away

Much of the human personality is defined by the way in which we relate to others. Controlling people, in particular, express one of the most problematic facets of their way of behaving based on attitudes that limit the freedom of others.

In this article we will see what are the fundamental aspects that characterize the controlling persons, as well as different ways of recognizing the different variants of this style of behavior.

• Related article: "The 6 main types of toxic relationships"

Typical traits of controlling people

Each person is unique, and of course, to understand well the logic behind the way of act of an individual, it is necessary to pay attention to him instead of starting from prejudices and generalities. However, a good starting point is to see if their behavior style corresponds to certain categories described from psychology.

In the case of people with a tendency to want to control others, paying attention to these signals is especially important, since the well-being of another person can be affected by the lack of resources to protect themselves from the first.

1. They handle mental frames well

When we communicate, we don't just utter words: we also turn the conversation around a mental framework in which what we say and what the other says makes sense to answer us.

For example, if we talk about "the children of Spain" we express a mental framework by which a country is a practically human entity, with some interests and a way of being defined, while if we speak of “the Spanish”, we only refer to a group of inhabitants of a region.

Controlling people know that they need to hide their true motivations when it comes to treating those who want to subdue in a certain way, and that is why they use language to create a moral alibi. For example, in couple relationships it is very common for these people to talk about the bond affective that unites them with their lover or in love as if it were a relationship in which one protects the other.

• You may be interested: "Cognitive schemas: how is our thinking organized?"

2. They act as if they know the essence of the controlled person

Controlling people tend to base justification for their behavior on a supposed ability to "see" the essence of people and decide what is best for them. Of course, this is not expressed literally, but it can be seen in what they say.

For example, they talk about the practically innate and immutable weaknesses of the other person to try to "compensate" for those. limitations controlling that aspect of his life, at the same time doing everything possible so that the limits of that supposed area of ​​life are very fuzzy.

3. They act with paternalism

In controlling people who try to hide the way in which they exercise their power over the other, they often resort to a paternalistic tone.

They can do this by being conciliatory (for example, offering to make a decision for the other) or more directly dominating (For example, they criticize the "lack of personality" or of the other's own criteria to try to make those who have been criticized submit to the decisions that are imposed on them from outside).

4. They seek to socially isolate the other

The more social contacts the dominated person makes, the more likely they are to shed that toxic relationship. For this reason, controlling people try to make their victim go without contacts, without friends or, in the most extreme cases, without frequent encounters with the family.

This is very noticeable in couple relationships, an area in which controlling people are very likely to try to exercise that control you want by taking advantage of the intimacy that this type of bond confers relational.

5. They do not seek to cooperate, they seek unconditional support

Controlling people usually set the stage for manipulating others not at the moment when they are it is very important to have their unconditional support, if not much earlier, in lesser situations importance.

Thus, for example, at the least sign of sympathy for someone with whom the controlling person is at odds even a little, it is easy for them to show indignation or frustration. The message is clear: it is the controlling person who defines the limits of empathy and sympathy (let alone friendship) that the other may have, the one who is subject.

In this way, when the resounding support of the other is needed, this will be practically guaranteed, since not giving the help required would break the history of unconditional support in unimportant situations, and cognitive dissonance would appear.

6. They believe they have the right to meddle in everything

For controlling people, the right to be alone can be called into question if they are looking for a suitable excuse to do so. It is not always because they want to be controlling the other person 24 hours a day; sometimes, it is simply because they do not take into account the needs of this.

7. They speak of a "common good" to make decisions for the other

It is very common for controlling people to act as if it were totally normal to anticipate the other's decisions and make them themselves for the other person. The excuse may be "not wasting time", "doing the right thing for everyone", and so on.

8. They apply on other criteria of extreme perfectionism

Finally, it is common for controlling people to feel frustrated if others behave in a way that deviates from your ideal, even when others have never shown themselves to agree to those standards of perfection.

This can lead to many discussions or, on the contrary, to the idea that it is normal to submit to their criteria, since they behave as if they have the authority to establish the line between what is right and what is evil.

Bibliographic references:

• Anderson, C.A.; Bushman, B.J. (2002). Human Aggression. Annual Review of Psychology. 53: 27 - 51.
• Flett, G. L.; Hewitt, P.L. (2002). Perfectionism. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
• Hodson, G. M.; Hogg, S. M.; MacInnis, C. C. (2009). "The role of" dark personalities "(narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy), Big Five personality factors, and ideology in explaining prejudice". Journal of Research in Personality. 43 (4): 686–690.