Anticipated grief: what is it, causes, symptoms and how to manage it

Death is mysterious. We do not know what is on the other side, although we do know that it occurs in an instant, in the blink of an eye a person may have stopped living.

There are deaths that take us by surprise, that we did not expect at all and that cause us all kinds of unknowns, feelings and thoughts, experiences all of them that will make up the mourning before that loss, more intense if it is due to the death of a being Dear.

However, there are cases in which deaths are practically announced, especially if the person who is believed to be dying soon is very ill or suffers from a terminal condition.

In these cases, family members and even the patient himself are getting used to the idea that the end is near, and they are preparing for such an experience. They live an anticipated mourning, a mourning for a person who is still alive. Let's take a closer look at the peculiarities of this type of duel.

• Related article: "The 8 types of duel and their characteristics"

What is early grief?

The anticipated duel is

the process some people go through before a loved one dies or is confirmed dead. It is given how many circumstances point to and suggest that sooner or later a loved one, such as a family member, a partner or a friend, is going to die.

Thus, we can say that it is like conventional grief, only that instead of occurring after the death of a loved one, it is done knowing that this event is close to happening.

The emotions that occur throughout the anticipated grief can be as intense as those that would be experienced in a recent and sudden loss grief. The difference here is that people who live it can better prepare for the death of their loved one, manage the emotions that it provokes in you and also settle pending issues taking advantage of the time that you have loved one, such as asking for forgiveness for past mistakes or spending time together and recalling moments happy

As a general rule, this type of duel appears in the following two cases.

Terminally ill loved one

The most common of the cases in which anticipated grief appears is when a loved one suffers from a chronic and terminal illness, such as certain types of cancer, multiple sclerosis or Alzheimer's. Doctors and other responsible for the patient have already informed the family that the patient will die in a matter of time.

It is because of this that relatives begin to work out the loss, or at least some aspects of the loss, before death occurs.

• You may be interested in: "The role of Psychology in irreversible processes: 5 attitudes to death"

Disappearances and major accidents

The second case, and this one is not so common, is when a loved one disappears in strange or violent circumstances, and it is not certain whether she is still alive or not.

The family, although they have not lost hope, anticipate that somehow the person has already passed away, and they try to get used to the idea of ​​that possibility. This is the case of disappearances and major accidents (p. eg, air disasters, ship sinks ...) in which it takes time to know the total number of victims.

• Related article: "The 6 differences between sadness and depression"

Emotions experienced in anticipated grief

Duels are not experienced in the same way for everyone, but it turns out to be an experience with particularities and unique experiences related to it. with aspects such as the relationship with the deceased, the individual characteristics of the bereaved and, also, how traumatic the death.

In the case of anticipated grief, this is even more diverse, something that is evidenced by the fact that we cannot speak of unique and universal phases in this case as it is suggested in cases of conventional grief.

Among the main emotions and thoughts that occur throughout the anticipated grief we find:

• Sadness.
• Anger.
• Anxiety and stress.
• Depression.
• Guilt.
• Fear of uncertainty.
• Fatigue.
• Emotional numbness
• Lack of concentration.

• You may be interested in: "The 8 types of emotions (classification and description)"

Advantages and disadvantages of early grief

Anticipated grief arises in preparation for what will inevitably occur. Even if one prepares psychologically for the death of a loved one, it is difficult that when the time comes it does not affect it, but luckily there has been a previous preparation It contributes to making the grief after death more bearable, the emotions it arouses are better managed and there is less risk of long-term emotional sequelae term.

We can highlight a series of advantages of living an anticipated duel:

• Recognize the reality of the loss gradually.
• Resolve pending issues and unfinished business now that time is running out.
• Change aspects of oneself, give value to the present and enjoy the time that remains.
• Prepare for loss with progressive emotional detachment and an opportunity to express emotions.
• Plan the future that still remains for that person.

But nevertheless, some authors also consider that anticipated grief can bring with it certain inconveniences in case of not being properly managed:

• It causes an exaggerated concern.
• Loss is anticipated before it occurs, which can cause increased anxiety and prevent you from enjoying the present.
• Depressive symptoms may appear.
• One of the reactions of being aware of near death is to surrender and not enjoy the life that remains, both your own and that of the person who is going to die.
• It hinders care, feeling that there is nothing to do and deprives the patient of care and emotional support, hoping that the end comes as soon as possible.
• There is a risk of abandonment of the patient.

How to deal with anticipated grief?

It is essential to understand that grief, whether anticipated or not, is a healthy and normal process. when you lose someone or something. Although in this particular case we are talking about grief caused by the death of a loved one, what should be clear to us is that the negative emotions experienced are not pathological, but are the totally healthy reaction that one feels that they have lost something. Grief is felt when you feel that you have lost something, that your life has changed so much that you need to adapt to your new reality.

In the case of anticipated grief, this is a normal reaction, although it can interfere with our daily well-being. As we have commented before, getting used to the idea of ​​the death of a loved one can help us to take advantage of the time that remains and solve any conflict, discussion or bad memory that we had with him or her, to get that before he leaves this world, everything that remains to be solved is solved at once.

The pain that anticipated grief causes is inevitable, and it is preferable to suffer it now than not after the death of that loved one. The mind needs to prepare for loss and grief is a process of adaptation, an opportunity to manage what happens. If this is done before the final event, which is nothing more than the death of that loved one, the Post-death pain will be more bearable, brief, and less likely to cause sequelae emotional

However, it must be said that while one should not try to avoid the pain associated with anticipating grief, this does not mean that one should just sit back and let things happen. There are a number of strategies that can be carried out to make this period less intense and traumatic., that the emotions are managed more adequately and that it degenerates into depression.

You must find a way not to keep all the pain to yourself. Sharing it with other family members and other loved ones of the sick person can help them get through this difficult time better. Revealing our emotions, concerns, feelings and thoughts can help us see that other loved ones have them too and will serve to receive and give support.

Although these are hard times, we must not give up or abandon ourselves. Our physical and psychological health are aspects that must be taken care of, especially in this period. Get enough sleep, exercise frequently, eat properly, and socialize with friends. We should not feel guilty about enjoying and taking advantage of our lives while our loved one is dying. The disease is who is taking it, not us.

In the event that the anticipated grief is caused by the disappearance of a loved one, it is essential go to a psychologist. The cases of disappearances and serious accidents where the body of the loved one has not yet been found are very delicate and traumatic situations. In these cases, it is essential to receive specialized psychological help in these types of situations.

The fundamental thing above all, and in the case of a sick person who will soon no longer be with us, is to spend time with them. If there is something that you have to forgive or ask for forgiveness for, now is the best time to do it. It is also the ideal time to say how much we love her, how much we value her and remember happy moments together.