Do you feel lonely in your relationship?

While in consultation, a patient told me that she feels lonely despite having a partner. Feel the burden of practicing a trade, taking the children to school, helping them with their homework, taking them to the doctor and feeling compelled to have sex with him for fear of it being unfaithful.

This is what she said: “You know, I'm so tired of doing everything myself, I feel like he lives his life while I have his clothes and food ready for him... Occasionally she helps with things around the house, but her biggest concern is that I no longer have the sexual energy that I had before I was a mom. I don't know what direction to take, because I want to, but I don't know what to do so that I won't be left alone with everything. "

• Related article: "How do you know when to go to couples therapy? 5 compelling reasons "

A tendency towards loneliness?

Studies carried out in Latin America have deduced that 54% of people who live with a partner and have small children, report feeling alone in their lives. They have found three factors that influence this situation and they are:

• The effect of social networks on the ways of expression in affection (without contact, through emoticons, gif, videos, written and non-verbal messages, etc.).
• The work overload.
• The financial concern.
• Hypermaternity (self-demands of the mother to protect children from current living conditions).

Other studies carried out by the Autonomous University of Mexico found that the fact of feeling lonely being with a partner, is a consequence of:

• The communicative distance, which occurs when people no longer share the stories of their days with the security of being next to a trusted person to share dreams, ideals and to plan.
• Feel the absence of that person who is considered special and intimate, generating in the long term frustration, failure and fear of change.

• You may be interested in: "12 tips to better manage couple arguments"

A couple dynamic that encourages loneliness and frustration

I have found in my professional experience that when personal interests prevail over common interests, the couple's relationship is at risk of ending.

I have also observed that, in turn, judgment, criticism, and threats destroy esteem and build the monster of intolerance, making communication unmanageable. We achieved a Ph.D. in yelling, masters in indifference, and we are professionals in selfishness (we want to be right).

Supermaternity, on the other hand, is a never ending tale.Because many times we women tend to consider men excessively or worse, we are convinced that they cannot do things the way we do. And leaving this message in their minds is a way to program them so that they consider us unique in the trade, leave us at the head of parenting and use that time on them.

The conclusion is that we have made the own goal of life: we feel alone, tired and without libido. And curiously, in many cases men perceive themselves alone and even displaced by their children, immediately afterwards, social networks and plans between friends await them.

• Related article: "3 causes of lack of sexual desire"

To do?

If you feel that you and your partner have separate lives Despite living in the same space, the first thing you should do is talk to know what the interests are common (including communicating), then write down the steps that each one can take facing the same address. And start doing it until you achieve it.

For example: they define that a common interest is dating again together. The steps are:

• Distribute childcare tasks.
• Leave them in the care of a trusted person.
• Arrive early on the day of the appointment.
• Reserve a restaurant.
• Use loving words, avoiding silences.
• And surrender completely in that moment.

Remember to write down everything to work on together, and for each of them, write the steps. You have to progress through them progressively, and as a rule, it is best to start with:

• Have conversations without yelling
• An agreement to: avoid laughter (because it may create the feeling of ridicule)
• And be willing to listen to each other.

One way to deal with this situation is mulling over:

• What are our common goals and how can we help us achieve them?
• How to make my life as a couple work, without justifying myself that I don't have time?
• What can we do to help ourselves when we are tired from excess responsibilities and achieve adequate energy for sexual intimacy?
• How to carry out my personal interests, without affecting the objectives that we have as a couple?
• What do I require of myself to adjust the things that I feel are subtracting in my relationship with my partner?

I invite you to contact me. Tell me your feelings, what you think or if you require therapeutic help.