Emotional invalidity: what it is, types, how it affects us, and examples

It is very likely that we have all heard phrases like “that which worries you is nothing”, “you drown in a glass of water”, “I don't know why you worry so much about things that do not have so much importance ”,“ you are a melodramatic, you take everything very seriously ”and other phrases of the style that in addition to not helping someone who may need it, what is being done is invalidating their emotions.

Emotional invalidation occurs in those acts of daily life in which the emotions of others are rejected or downplayed people, being able to provoke oneself when trying to deny or avoid certain emotions that are being felt at times determined.

In this article we will briefly explain what emotional invalidation consists of. and what are some of the most common situations in which it usually occurs in people's lives, as well as its influence within the factors favoring the development of borderline disorder of the personality.

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What is emotional invalidation?

Emotional invalidation is made up of those lived experiences in which you have suffered denial of your own feelings by other people, or the avoidance or rejection by others, being an experience that, unfortunately, most people have suffered some once or even numerous times throughout their lives, it may have been the case that other people have acted in a way incorrectly without the intention of doing so, either due to an oversight or ignorance of the correct way to act in a situation determined.

Be that as it may, it is convenient to take into account some of the most common forms of emotional invalidation towards others people in order to raise awareness and prevent their recurrence due to the harm they could cause to others persons.

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Different types of emotional invalidation

Below we will explain what some of the most common forms of emotional invalidation consist of.

1. Downplaying something someone else cares about

A very common form of emotional invalidation is one that occurs in situations in which we have told someone that we are sad for some reason and instead of trying to put ourselves in our shoes, he just tells us "that's nothing, you shouldn't worry about it", or "is that everything worries you, you drown in a glass of water" and similar phrases that all come to mind.

In turn, most of us have said them at some point to other people, perhaps because we were not in the mood at the time or because it did not seem so relevant to us. And, although we probably did not do it with bad intentions, it is important to keep in mind that each person experiences things and sees them from one differently from others, and that is why we should respect her and not judge whether what concerns her we consider to be serious or not, but that we should simply show that person our support when he tells us something that worries him, making him feel heard and understood.

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2. Emotional repression

There are times when others are not causing the invalidation, but it is oneself who is invalidating oneself on an emotional level. This happens when we feel bad and try to hide our discomfort with the aim of trying that the people around us do not realize that we are not having a good time, perhaps out of shame to feel judged or by any other reason.

The reality is that when one represses his emotions, it is most likely that he ends up “exploding” so that the release is more damaging than if at first. moment we would have expressed this emotion and we would have sought help, either from a close person we can trust or from a health professional mental.

In some cases, an emotional invalidation such as the one suppressed by the repression of our emotions could have a negative impact on various areas of our life and also it could cause us symptoms of stress and anxiety.

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3. Judge emotions

A form of emotional invalidation is that which occurs when the emotions of another person are judged, through actions such as telling him that he is someone too sensitive. And this, in addition to not helping the other person, It could make it easier for you to increase your discomfort by feeling neither understood nor supported.

In this case something similar happens to the cases in which the concerns of others are downplayed, and the same advice should be followed, and that is, try to empathize with that person and accept that because we do not think what worries that person is serious does not mean that you should stop feeling that way because of it.

If we try to put ourselves in his shoes, perhaps we could understand that he has enough reason to worry or, at least, even if we fail to understand the all your reasons for being like this, just to show our support and show that we are there, maybe that is enough and what you really need that person.

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4. Believe that what happens to oneself is more serious than what happens to others

Another very frequent emotional invalidation that occurs in everyday life is that which occurs when a person tells a friend or family member that they are having a hard time due to certain circumstances and the other person responds "That's nothing, if I tell you what I'm living right now ...", or phrases like this "could be worse, if you knew what I've been through."

These ways of responding to someone who goes to another person because they are going through it, not only will not help them feel better, but could just cause the opposite and make him feel that what happens to him is not really important, when in reality for that person they are and that is what you have to take into account bill.

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Strategies to avoid emotional invalidation

Some guidelines to avoid emotional invalidation of other people would be the following:

• Do not judge what another person feels.
• Listen carefully to what he says and put yourself in his shoes to understand how he feels.
• On certain occasions, the best recourse may be to give that person a hug.
• Tell the other person that they can tell us how they feel and that we are there.
• Show understanding to the other person when they tell us how they feel and are having a hard time.
• Don't downplay what someone else cares about.
• Do not compare what happens to yourself with what the other person is going through.

Other guidelines for avoid emotional self-invalidation are as follows:

• Learn to listen to yourself to understand the emotions you are feeling.
• Don't hold back your emotions.
• Avoid escape routes to avoid our emotions.
• Take a break and don't force yourself to recover early when you're having a hard time.
• Venting when necessary and in front of people you can trust.
• Seeking the help of a psychologist we consider it necessary because we feel overwhelmed.

Influence of emotional invalidation in borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Studies indicate that the development of a Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is produced by an interrelation between social and genetic influences, having a determining role in the weight that genes or inheritance play. For example, in studies with univitelline or monozygotic twins, it was found that when one of them was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, the other had a 55% chance of developing the same disorder.

On the other hand, when situations of violence or abandonment had been experienced at an early ageThis was also a factor in the development of borderline personality disorder. Likewise, there are studies that found that 60% of the patients in the sample who had been diagnosed with BPD had suffered sexual abuse during their childhood.

The fact that having suffered trauma during childhood has determined the later development of a BPD, without other favorable factors being found, is still an object of debate and research.

Professionals representing the dialectical-behavioral therapy (BDD), designed as a psychological treatment for borderline personality disorder, argue that Negative social influences in childhood are extremely harmful to the regulation of that person on an emotional level, which favors a later development of a BPD.

In this sense, the emotional invalidation of a child, being despised and / or ridiculed by her parents plays a relevant role, for example, when the son cries because he has hurt himself and his mother says: “Don't be silly, nothing is hurting you, so don't be exaggerated".

The emotional invalidation or the maximum contempt would be the one that children who have suffered sexual abuse come to experience, and it is in this type of cases that their feelings and emotions have been deeply despised, disgraced and outraged, being a factor of weight in the possible later development of a BPD.

In short, studies so far have not found a unique determinant in the development of borderline personality disorder, but they have been able to discover a series of negative factors experienced during childhood that have a very important influence on a possible development of this disorder in later years (for example, emotional invalidation taken to the extreme, having suffered sexual abuse, having experienced a traumatic situation and the role of genes, among others).