Guilt in motherhood: why it appears and how to deal with it emotionally

Being a mother is not an easy task, it involves learning through experiences and knowing how to adapt it to our other roles.

Guilt appears as a common feeling in women, especially when they are mothers, since this role is a great responsibility, wanting to execute it as well as possible, it being normal that expectations are not always met or met desired.

Therefore, so that this guilt affects her mother and her child as little as possible, it is important that learn to accept, knowing that this feeling does not make you a worse mother and that there is no way to act Right. Allow yourself to live the experience of being a mother that you want, since this is the only way to be happy and form a healthy and safe bond with your baby.

In this article we better explain why guilt appears in mothers and what effects it generates, also showing some recommendations so that you can face it better and reduce its intensity.

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The feeling of guilt in mothers

Being a mother is a role that society has assumed as habitual and the idea that all women should and can do it is promoted. Being a frequent fact, motherhood can be seen as an easy activity, but far from being the case, being a mother involves a series of difficulties, Pleasant, but also unpleasant contradictions, thoughts and emotions that can alter our state, such as fear, frustration, uncertainty or guilt.

The role of motherhood is understood as intrinsic, as something that every woman should know how to do just because she is a woman and many times the difficulty, responsibility and complications that the task of having and caring for a child entails is not considered and taken into account. In addition to this lack of vision of difficulty, it is also conceived as obvious that the woman will always know how to act more correctly and that she should always do it looking for the baby first.

This thought is in the woman before having her child and intensifies with the birth of this, being also reinforced by the general belief of society. The thought that her behavior should always be the best, that she always has to know how to act and that she should always put her child before other needs They are difficult beliefs to always comply with and that on many occasions conflict with others, thus generating the aforementioned feeling of guilt.

Guilt will arise in mothers when they realize that it is really impossible to be a model mother and fulfill all the beliefs and expectations that they had set, when they appear in their mind thoughts that contradict the thought that she should have and believes that she is doing something wrong and should correct and act better for her own benefit and for the people in her environment.

It is common to think that to do something well we have to focus only on that and forget everything else, but in this case to achieve a better long-term performance and a better state of the woman, it is better not to leave put aside other functions and remember that she also has other roles as a woman, daughter and the most important as a person individual.

Since it is difficult (if not impossible) to meet all the expectations that we form of how a good mother should be, they will appear in women, thoughts such as: “I'm not good enough as a mother”, “I don't know how to do it well”, “I feel tired”, “I could do it better"... So we see that they are very general thoughts and that they are linked and depend on many behaviors and actions.

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Why does this feeling of guilt appear?

The feeling of guilt appears when we believe that we are not doing something right and we think that we could do better. Even sometimes it is not only a belief originated in individual self-worth; We may feel judged by others and this fact also leads us to a feeling of guilt.

In relation to motherhood, guilt is a fairly common feeling, since there will always be a way of acting or proceeding better, you can always be more patient, more understanding, more loving, more responsible... always paying attention to the aspects negatives. The level of self-demand is very high, always wanting to do the best possible so that our son has the best.

One of the biggest contradictions comes when the mother realizes that she also needs to rest, disconnect ... In short, take time for herself. This feeling raises guilt, as she will believe that she is failing to do the job of being a mother and that she is selfish for preferring to spend time with herself rather than with the baby.

In this way we see how, for guilt to appear, it is not necessary for the mother to really act badly or do something badly done, but rather emerges from expectations and from wanting to make everything perfect. Therefore, it is not an indicator of misbehavior in the mother. That is, it is usual for the mother to be acting well, doing well, but she has a feeling of guilt.

Thus, there is a social imaginary, a belief in what it means to be a mother and how to act, which is really what ends up generating guilt. Many times one way of acting is not better than another, but it will depend on which one best suits the way of doing of each mother or family.

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How does guilt affect motherhood?

This feeling of guilt will have a negative effect on the mother, as she will not let him act as she really would or If she chooses to do what she would like to do, her state of discomfort will increase, feeling more guilty and a worse mother. Similarly, it will also affect the relationship between the baby and the mother, because self-blame constant mother's will create a barrier between the two of you that will make it difficult to bond or bond. secure attachment.

That is, maybe because you feel bad for not acting as theoretically the best way, you look more damaged the relationship with the child, affecting him more than if the mother simply acted as she She feels. So we see how guilt is invalidating, affecting our behavior and how we relate to others, the mother can be annulled, transmitting that feeling to the son and leaving aside what is really important, thus altering the ability to connect with him.

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How to deal with the feeling of guilt?

One point that is very relevant to remember is that there are many ways to act as a mother, all being equally valid. It is impossible for there to be a single correct mode of action, since each person is different and, therefore, each of us will need different things to be well. Children are different, mothers are different, families are different, so the way of acting can also be different.

So, let's see how we can reduce this feeling of guilt that hurts us in our role as mother, ourselves and our relationship with the baby.

1. Be aware of how I am feeling

Many times we feel bad, with discomfort, but we do not stop to understand what it is that generates this evil that is what does not allow us to be well. It is essential to identify the thoughts that generate the feeling of guilt in order to face and reduce them.

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2. Normalize blame

Since guilt is another feeling that appears in different facets of our life, sometimes being functional and indicating that we must change and improve and others harming us and not letting ourselves be ourselves. Therefore, as a mother we must assume that this feeling is very likely to appear, but we should not give it greater importance, if we see that We are not really doing anything wrong, we will try to accept it, learning to live with it and this will be the way in which we will get it to be decrease.

3. Being a mother is a constant learning

Being a mother is something we learn through experience, making mistakes and rectifying, adapting to different circumstances and our baby. Thus, we return to see how acting in one way or another will depend on the situation and experience of each one, not being able to blame ourselves for not doing it in a specific way. There is no manual on how to be a good mother, it is something that we will learn and model throughout motherhood.

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4. There is time for everything

Each person has different roles, all of them being compatible with each other, being able to adapt to each other to be able to exercise them all. In addition, being a mother does not mean losing the other functionsYou can continue working, meet your friends, go out with your partner or dedicate time to yourself, to do what you like, since this is a good way to recharge your batteries and regain energy.

We cannot properly meet the needs of our baby if we do not have ours covered, if we do not rest, if we do not take care of ourselves and if we do not have time for ourselves.

5. Choose how you want to act as a mother

It is normal that the people around us want to give us advice, since they have surely gone through the experience of being mother and they want to help us, but as we have seen, sometimes the way of doing that they propose is not the one that we we would do. Therefore, it is good to listen to all the recommendations to get ideas and know different ways to proceed, but who has the final decision of how to act is you.

Don't feel guilty for acting the way you do because it is the only way to feel good about yourself and take better care of your child.

6. Express how you feel

Many times we understand that if we feel guilty it is because we have done something wrong or that it is strange to feel that way, we are not good mothers. But if we share these thoughts and feelings with other people, especially with other women who are mothers, we will realize that this feeling of guilt is common, reassuring us and helping us understand that we are not worse for having it.