Having compassion for oneself: how to achieve it?

Traditionally, the term “self pity” It has been accompanied by a certain nuance of condescension or even vulnerability, which positioned it as an undesirable attitude in the process of facing any adversity or setback.

However, in recent years a new current of thought has emerged that has rescued the fact that having compassion towards oneself as a lucky and desirable attribute, stripping it of its connotation negative.

Currently, self-compassion is understood as a concept linked to emotional intelligence; through which a privileged position is assumed on the value judgments that each of us builds regarding how he thinks, feels and acts.

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In this article we will deal in detail with the concept of self-compassion, and the benefits (in general) that can be derived from its practice in daily life.

Have compassion for oneself: self-compassion

Self-compassion is a complex concept that has aroused interest in the field of Psychology for decades

, when Jon Kabat-Zinn adapted the Mindfulness to the relief of patients experiencing chronic pain. Shortly thereafter, self-pity was integrated into the bosom of this existential philosophy and became a matter subject to scientific study, especially since the early years of the current century.

High self-compassion can be described, in simple terms, as the decision to have compassion for oneself. In this sense, the literature on this topic has extracted three key factors: kindness, fallibility and mindfulness. Next, we proceed to address them in detail.

1. Amiability

The society in which we live tends to value positively the fact of being kind to others. This includes a series of social norms of courtesy or politeness, with which we act in a prosocial way during the interaction with others, encouraging us to lend our help to those who may be experiencing times of need. This attitude is rewarded in the form of recognition or admiration, and is considered an appropriate example of what should be done (for children and adults).

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However, the same does not happen when kindness should be directed at ourselves. When we make a mistake we tend to act in a self-punitive and cruel way, dedicating bitter words to ourselves that favor an internal discourse that drags us to intense emotional experiences and difficult. It is important to remember that everything we can feel is preceded by a thought, so the germ of both emotion and behavior resides in it.

This way of treating ourselves unfolds, on many occasions, completely independently of the particularities of the triggering situation. Even when misfortune is due to bad luck or the role of third parties, we continue to besiege ourselves with destructive terms for which we often lack evidence. Phrases like "I'm useless", or "I'm worthless", give a good account of it.

Most people who fall into this pernicious habit admit that they would never dedicate those words to a friend in the event that he was found in an equivalent situation, and that in that case he would try to be more understanding and help him reinterpret the facts so that it would be less cruel. This would be the most socially accepted attitude, but one that can very rarely be observed when such words are directed at one's own adversity.

Kindness consists of projecting the same affection and understanding that we dedicate to others towards ourselves, so that we can treat each other as if we were the best of our friends. This requires a reformulation of the dynamics of thought, to change the harmful words to other different terms, that can have deep ties with positive affects that allow us to live better and more satisfied.

2. Fallibility

Fallibility is the ability to recognize oneself as a being that can make mistakes, likely to fail and/or make the wrong decisions, or is simply imperfect in general. It is about accepting that, sometimes, the expectations that have been outlined for life may not be met (for different reasons). This would prevent the irruption of "should", very rigid thoughts about how things should be.

We live gripped by multiple stimuli that remind us how imperfect we are, but force us to reveal ourselves against it. When we flip through a magazine, or when we watch television, we witness perfect bodies and successful lives. This wild exhibition, planned for purely commercial purposes, can be translated into comparative judgments in which we usually have everything to lose.

In the worst of extremes, this circumstance can lead us to consider that our problems are really unique, and that no one else makes the mistakes that we unfortunately we fall. Even social networks, in which their users tend to capture the best that happens to them (ignoring the moments unpleasant that are also part of living), contribute to the formation of this negative image about our own imperfection.

The truth, however, is that imperfection is an element common to all people. From the most popular singer to the most successful actor, we all go through gray moments that can last for long periods of time. That is why the fact of being imperfect is a quality inherent to the human, and that gives a peculiar value to the individuality of each one.

3. Full attention

Mindfulness is the third element of self-compassion, being a literal translation of Mindfulness, which refers to a meditative practice whose roots are deep in ancient monastic traditions of Buddhism. It constitutes a series of habits that are based on the contemplative life, but that add an active component to the experience of being deliberately present in the moment in which it is lived.

Mindfulness implies a concrete way of facing the facts that suppresses the judgment about them, since this often takes us away from how they really are. It supposes a new gaze, of an apprentice, in which for a moment the automatisms of the mind are abandoned to delve into that which surrounds us, fully perceiving what things are by stripping ourselves of any attempt to label them or classify them.

Likewise, mindfulness has the aim or purpose of focusing attention on what is in the present, ignoring influences from the past and expectations of the future. It implies assuming a witness mind that observes the internal processes, diluting the association that links us to thought and that makes us identify with it. This is: a philosophy of life in which we abandon the tendency to believe that we are "the thought", to adopt the role of a being "who thinks", but it is much more than that.

This concept is aimed at questioning the validity of self-punitive thoughts, observing them from a certain distance so as not to let ourselves be carried away by the emotional current in which They tend to catch us. This disposition, together with the patient practice of kindness and the integration of imperfection as a reality inherent in all human beings, is the key to a compassionate way of interacting with ourselves.

Beneficial effects of having compassion for oneself

There is great interest in the scientific literature to determine, describe, measure and quantify the benefits associated with self-compassion in terms of quality of life and reduction of discomfort. For this reason, recent years have witnessed an increasing number of studies aimed at exploring these phenomena, which have spread to many domains of human knowledge: Psychology, Medicine, Education, etc.

There are programs aimed at stimulating self-compassion, which have been subjected to analysis to determine their effects. In this sense, some recent meta-analyses indicate that those who decide to embark on this therapeutic process improve their ability to discriminate the pain that emerges as a result of their negative thoughts, recognizing the way in which the absence of compassion affects their emotional life.

This recognition mobilizes a series of changes in the perception that is held not only about the human being in general, but also about the individual in particular, in relation to imperfection. This type of practice supposes conceiving a kinder vision with ourselves, which facilitates the processing of emotional experience and reduces the risk of significant affective problems clinic. This effect has been reproduced in people vulnerable to psychopathology.

Self-compassion also has a positive effect on health-related quality of life, a concept that encompasses the general well-being of the individual in relation to the way in which he perceives the functioning of his body and his mind, both integrated in a social and cultural space that is own.

Definitely, a compassionate attitude allows us to be more fair with who we are, with our imperfections and with our limitations. It also provides us with a more accurate view of our emotional reality, being able to be aware of it. without being overwhelmed by its intensity, and it allows us to use a more friendly language when we address ourselves themselves. All this results in an increase in self-esteem and in a reduced risk of psychological disorders.

Coming to embrace self-compassion as your own requires overcoming initial resistance, along with conscious and deliberate practice of the three principles outlined here.

Bibliographic references:

• Arimitsu, K. (2016). The effects of a program to enhance self-compassion in Japanese individuals: A randomized controlled pilot study. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 11(6), 559-571.
• Richardson D, Jaber S, Chan S, Jesse MT, Kaur H. and Sangha, R. (2016). Self-Compassion and Empathy: Impact on Burnout and Secondary Traumatic Stress in Medical Training. Open Journal of Epidemiology, 6, 167-172.