3 techniques to defend yourself against criticism assertively

On a day-to-day basis, it is easy to expose ourselves to criticism directed at us that can offend us, annoy us, or even lead to a state of anxiety. In this article we will see How can we deal with criticism assertively?, without losing composure and making our opinions and point of view clear.

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What is a review?

We understand by criticism the issuance of a judgment or assessment that is made of something or someone.

It is an opinion and although there is a certain tendency to associate criticism with offense, insult or discredit, it will depend on the intention put when formulating it what will determine if it is a constructive criticism (it helps us to learn or improve) or destructive (it tries to harm us).

The goal of constructive criticism is to help another person. expressed with respect and it is usually done alone, since far from ridiculing it is intended to show a possible error to improve. The data on which this vision is based are argued so that whoever receives it learns from his own experience, broadening his point of view, handling possible errors or rectifying.

Destructive criticism, however, is expressed in a surly tone, hurtful words can be chosen, no arguments are provided and their objective is to harm. Far from helping to improve, it places the person who receives the criticism in an asymmetrical relationship in which the person who emits it grows in the eyes of others.

In this article I will focus on this type of criticism. They are said aggressively, in a derogatory tone, their main objective is to hurt you, either by ridiculing you or making you doubt yourself.

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What is the purpose of a malicious criticism?

I ask you a question. What is the goal of going to work every morning? Among others, most of you will have answered “Make money”. If I go to work I earn money. Let's take as an example a self-employed worker who depends on himself. If he works he earns money, if he doesn't work he doesn't earn money. Will he keep working him? Well, if one of his objectives is to get paid, he will work every day because there is a correlation between working-earning, not going to work-not earning. In the same way I ask you, What have we said is the goal of destructive criticism?

Harming would be the answer. If before her the criticized person, counter-attacks showing his anger, cries as a result of feeling hurt, remains silent accepting what is said... Does it show that he has been hurt? The answer is yes, then if the attacker finds a correlation between criticizing-harming, will he continue to do so? The answer, like the freelancer who goes to work to get money, is yes.

By this I mean that criticism is not only destructive by the way it is said but also our way of interpreting the message and how we manage it, since we can experience it as a possibility for improvement or as an offense.

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How do we react?

Let's not forget that criticism can help our personal development as long as once heard, are accepted and lend themselves to reflection.

But focusing on the destructive ones, it is important to defend ourselves assertively, that is, defend our rights without engaging in submissive, aggressive behavior, or reproaches. Our way of reacting conditions the final product.

We automatically tend to react to them in three unassertive ways, deteriorating our social relationships and self-image:

1. Counter

This is impulsively responding with another criticism or disqualifying the interlocutor and, if possible, more harshly. The inevitable result of this strategy is argument and anger.

Example: "You're lazy" / "Well, come on, you look like a sergeant."

2. denial of criticism

A second way of reacting is to deny the criticism head-on, regardless of whether we agree or not, but this neither does our interpersonal relationships improve.

Example: "You are watching football all day" / "Lie".

3. passive acceptance

Finally, a third way of dealing with criticism is accept it immediately without further ado, without analyzing itshowing a passive attitude.

Example: "What a face you're wearing this morning"/Silence.

How to deal with criticism assertively?

We must respond in a neutral tone, as aseptic as possible, in order not to show that he has hurt us (the main objective of this type of criticism), and without attacking, since otherwise the conversation would end in an argument or an aggression competition mutual.

To deal with criticism we can use the following techniques:

1. negative interrogation

It consists of asking for clarification about what they tell us. That is to say, ask why we are criticized.

Examples:

• “Uncle, what a hair you have left” (What are they criticizing? The hair, well we asked about that)
• Yes? What do you see strange in my hair?

- "What do you wear today?"

(In this case they attack our way of dressing)

- What defect do you find in my way of dressing?

If they criticize my way of dressing and I show an insecure attitude, looking at my clothes distressed, I meet the attacker's objective. On the other hand, if I accept the criticism and remain silent when in fact I have put on something that I like, I show submission, which in a certain way is usually enough for the attacker.

Returning criticism by saying something along the lines of “You looked in the mirror before you spoke”, even if it brings us short-term relief for returning it, we show our weakness. I attack because I have felt offended (let's not forget that it is the main objective of destructive criticism). And if he has offended me, he has fulfilled his objective, so he will continue to do so. As we can see with this technique, we make those who criticize us think, thus aborting its final objective (to hurt us).

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2. negative assertion

Would recognize it without sinking, relaxed, without adopting defensive attitudes, without justifying and, of course, without getting angry. This technique should be used when we consider that, although not constructively, the criticism is true and we agree with it.

Examples:

- "Uncle I've been waiting for you 20 minutes"

(Let's assume this is true and I'm late)

- You're right, it took me a long time.

- “You have no idea about football”

(And I really have no idea about football)

• The truth is that you are right and I do not control much.

If when they tell us a criticism whose content is true, even if we do not like the form or feel attacked, we can enter into a discussion and exchange of mutual aggression ("I've been waiting 20 minutes"/"Well, the other day you were late"/"Of course, you're always late, and for once it's me, you remind me"/"It's your fault for not telling me with advance”…).

In addition, we project an image in which it seems that nobody can tell us anything and that we do not know how to accept criticism. So if their goal was to hurt us, it has been achieved, because we get angry and show that it has made us feel bad. If we remain silent and accept it in a submissive way, we will very surely feel that “it has cut us off”, that way we also hurt ourselves.

Acknowledging it assertively is the best way to project a confident image of ourselves in which we assume our mistakes, in turn, if although the form is not appropriate, there has been no intention of doing harm, we favor dialogue. Let's take the second example, someone tells his partner that he doesn't understand football to which the other party replies that he is right.

In this situation it is easier for him to say something like "It's okay, you know about other things and I don't", or "It's okay, that's not a penalty for this…”, that if he puts on the victim's disguise and tells him something like “I don't know how I'm going to know something like that”, “I don't have as much free time as your". This last attitude can trigger anger. Accepting her and shutting up can get her off the couch or off to do something else.

3. Fog Bank

This technique is often used in the face of malicious criticism, and it is good to use it to get used to receiving it naturally, without feeling ashamed or angry. Consists in serenely acknowledge the possibility that there is truth in the criticism that we receive

Examples:

- "What a shirt you're wearing, it looks like your grandfather's"

- Yes? You may not like it, I love it.

• what ugliest necklace are you wearing
• You may not like it, I like it.

In the same way as in the previous techniques, responding with another criticism not only shows that the objective of this criticism has been fulfilled, but also that once again we enter a chain of possible insults. Taking the first example, it could be by responding: "You do look like a grandfather and I don't tell you anything."

Accepting it means recognizing something with which we do not agree, at least for us, which places us in a submissive position that in the long run can affect our self-esteem. Contemplating the possibility that the other does not like something that we do, shows our flexibility before another point of view and security in ourselves.

concluding

As you can see, in any case, our way of responding to criticism and attitude towards it determines the subsequent result. Criticisms are still different points of view, sometimes they help us to improve or take something into account to work on it based on our own experience and that of others.

You have to be open to any opinion, in some cases admit that we do not know everything and in no case accept what we do not agree with. Criticism well managed and answered assertively helps to grow as a person, either by maturing or affecting as little as possible the intention to damage our ego.