Sibling rivalry: possible causes and what to do from parenting

Fights between siblings in childhood or adolescence are normal as long as they are controlled and do not affect the psychological state of any of them.

Different variables and factors have been observed that intervene in the appearance of sibling rivalry, feelings of jealousy and envy are the ones that most likely derive in this dynamic of competition. To try to prevent these behaviors from negatively influencing children, parents can use different strategies, such as reinforcing appropriate behaviors or dedicating the appropriate time to each child or resorting to psychologists.

In this article, you will learn more about the causes and factors that lead to sibling rivalry and what strategies you can apply as a father or mother. to try to improve the relationship between them.

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What do we mean by sibling rivalry?

Sibling rivalry, also called sibling rivalry, is the set of Painful and negative emotions, feelings, cognitions and behaviors that children may experience in front of their siblings when understanding the relationship as an area in which to compete

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In the relationship between siblings it is easy and normal for there to be fights, quarrels, shouting... But we must control the duration and magnitude of these, because if the situation worsens, this can affect the mental health of children and adolescents. The age at which greater rivalry occurs ranges from 10 to 15 years, with a tendency to decrease with age, although on some occasions it has been seen that it can persist into adulthood.

In this way, we need to be vigilant and act when necessary; and if necessary, seek psychotherapeutic support.

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Causes that generate the appearance of rivalry

As we have seen, it is to a certain extent normal for quarrels to appear between siblings, since they share a lot of time together, they grow up in the same space, with the same toys. and receiving the love of the same people, so it is common that sometimes negative feelings or thoughts are expressed towards the other or negative behaviors directed at he.

The negative feelings that have been observed the most in sibling relationships are envy and jealousy; in moderate amounts these are normal and we should not worry, but if these feelings become pathological or increase in intensity they can affect the child's condition.

Envy is defined as a feeling that appears before the desire to possess what the other person has. It is common for this experience to be more complex and not only to possess what the other has, but also for the other person to lose what they have; in other words, get us what is his and let him stop having it.

Regarding jealousy, these are understood as a feeling that a subject experiences before the belief that another person loves a third party more than one. Thus, it is not pathological that jealousy appears between siblings, since they are sharing the love or affection of their parents; the problem is when these feelings affect them and affect their psychological state.

In the family system, different relationships or links may appear that give rise to what is known as a triangle.. These, in turn, are divided into two types: alliances (where the proximity between two family members is produced in contrast to a third; in this case the relationship is open and clear, without trying to harm the other) and the coalitions (these are defined as the proximity that occurs between two of the members of the triad as opposed to a third; this link will be hidden and denied, and in this case the triad will receive the perverse specification).

So we see how In jealousy, the figure of the parents intervenes more, since it is the main subject that causes this emotion. On the other hand, envy links only the two brothers, and the causes may be different, such as having or not having an object or possessing different capacities and abilities each.

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Variables that affect the sibling relationship

Obviously, although we share similar characteristics with our siblings, each of us has our own personality, our identity that differentiates us from the others. Despite being raised in the same environment and by the same parents, there are also differences caused by different variables.

Family environmental variance can be divided into two classes: common, interfamily or shared variance (refers to common factors shared by all individuals of the same family) or the variance specific, not shared or intrafamily (it is due to specific factors that affect each subject of the same nucleus in a different way family).

So let's see what these different factors can be inside and outside the family that affect the development of the subject and can lead to rivalry or problems between siblings.

1. The age difference between siblings

It has been observed that the smaller the age difference, the more tendency to fight. The reasons may be different; for example, in the case of taking more years, the older brother develops a protective attitude regarding his brother; or by getting along less with this one, that can more likely perceive the other as a rival, as someone with whom one must compete or can pose a threat.

2. the same sex

Similar to age, if the sex is the same, we are more likely to see the other as an equal, someone with whom we must compete to achieve our desires based on gender roles.

3. being the middle child

Birth order is also a variable within the family that affects each child differently. In this way, it has been seen that older siblings are usually the ones who receive more attention and greater control, since they are the firstborn and enjoyed a time in which they should not "share" their parents with nobody else; and young children are usually the most protected, both by their parents and by their siblings.

Contrary, middle children may receive less attention and as a consequence try to act conspicuous to get the attention of their parents.

4. parents' divorce

Divorce or separation of parents is also an influencing factor, since the treatment of parents to their children may vary or be different. Besides, this experience usually supposes a new and unpleasant situation for the child, who may experience this stage with stress and anxiety, which may lead to bad behavior.

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How to reduce sibling rivalry

Bearing in mind that as a general rule all parents want the best for their children, it may be that in circumstances their behavior, without being malicious, is not the most appropriate.

There are also different strategies that parents can carry out to reduce and control the rivalry that is created between their children or at least not contribute to its increase.

1. not compare

As we have seen, the behavior of each child will vary even though the education received is the same. It is very important that when faced with behaviors that one of the children performs better, we do not compare them, since this fact increases the possibility that rivalry will increase. If one of our children does not do a behavior well, we will try to make him see that there are other more appropriate ways of behaving or we will help him to improve but never comparing it with another.

2. Treat each child individually

Try, as much as possible, to treat each of your children according to their characteristics, tastes, preferences... Sometimes the best procedure is not to always give the same thing but to adapt it to your needs and desires.

Look at what each one claims, since a more individualized treatment creates more distinction between one and other and can help perceive the other in a less competitive way, that is, develop less rivalry.

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3. not position

When your children fight, try to help and encourage them to talk and fix things, but do not agree with any of them, as this will only make the situation worse and the rivalry between them will grow.

4. Dedicate time to each child

Each child has his needs, each one expressing them in different ways, but they all deserve and need the same attention, so You must distribute the time equally among all, that they feel heard and that they are aware of them.

It may be that one of your children has more difficulties or more needs, but this fact does not mean that the others must also feel cared for, they are still children who require their parents to be around they.

5. Reward positive behaviors

For your child to get a good learning of the appropriate behaviors, to know how he should behave, a good way of acting is reward, reinforce, appropriate behaviors and extinguish the negatives. This process consists of ignoring the behavior that we want to reduce if it does not go against the rules (that is, normal that at first it increases, but later we will see how it begins to decrease and disappears).

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6. avoid fights

Nobody knows your children better than you. You know what behaviors make them angry or what their preferences are. Sometimes it will be better to prevent and thus prevent the fight from taking place. For example, a strategy that can work is to give each one a toy so that they do not fight and an argument is generated for wanting the same one.