Parents not so parents

If some childhood wounds affect us for life, then it is important to learn to live with them.

It is painful to accept that the people who have hurt us the most are our own parents. Although the School bullying, love disappointments, or emotional or material losses are potential emotional dangers that a human being can experience, traumas provoked by the parents are so deep that they end up forming a wound of rejection accompanied with a sense of inadequacy that can affect the child from infancy and throughout his life adult.

This is how we can see people who have been hurt by those who supposedly should have protected them, cared for them, loved them, understood them and accepted them as they are. Yes, they, their own parents, to whom for moral principles we owe love, respect and admiration. Humans full of flaws and wounds carrying another vulnerable human in their hands: your son.

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The psychological impact of parental misbehavior

Some kids realize something is wrong when they can compare their parents to their friends' parents., not because the friends have a perfect home, but because they see love and care in their family dynamics. A child does not understand economic or political issues, but he does know how to identify love and contempt.

When this child grows up and has the ability to see the emotional distance of his father or mother, that the unconditional love of his parents does not reach him, that he cannot have the acceptance of him, which is not enough for them, he feels that there is a condition to be able to obtain the approval of his parents: it consists in be someone different. But it is not just changing some aspects of his life, it is changing in its entirety, not being him or her.

This is something that a child cannot understand. Therefore, and in response, he feels guilt throughout most of his childhood. Since he cannot get his own parents to love him unconditionally, the child comes to the wrong conclusion and thinks that he has something wrong., that he is wrong because his acting is rejected, he believes that maybe he was born imperfect.

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The psychological effects on the growth process

Unfortunately, when the young person decides to put emotional distance between himself and his parents, there can already be a lot of damage. In childhood he did not feel that secure attachment to his own family, he was always compared and evaluated with a constant result: being found wanting. Criticism was the order of the day. Phrases like: you are not capable, you are useless, you do not know, you do not understand... Trials with serious consequences that convinced the child that these statements were true.

That voice of comparison and disapproval stayed in his mind until he was an adult and may be with him until today, even though he is no longer at his parents' house. This learning of personal rejection remained from that painful childhood and now these words are repeated and internalized in the form of self-criticism that disapproves, judges, compares, discourages and disables you. It is a feeling of personal inadequacy, hypervigilance, and hypersensitivity to rejection.

Why is this happening? Because... How to believe that someone can accept or believe that he can be good at his work or accept approval of himself when his own parents did not approve of him? In cases like this the person cannot value himself personally, and these insecurities clip his wings.

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What about the cause?

But… Why are there harmful or toxic parents? Without justifying their behavior, we can analyze various causes that could lead some parents to act in this way.

The main one is the untreated psychological effects, wounds from their own childhood, repetition of their parents' parenting styles with them...

Sometimes the problem is what that son or daughter represents to them, such as frustrated plans, failed personal projects, the meaning of a past love relationship or your own rejected inner child. Therefore these adults became parents without resources.

This is why it is necessary for this young person or adult to seek professional help to begin to understand their wound, to listen to it, understand it and decide not to continue seeing life through it, to choose to think and feel differently from the wound. It is a process in which you will have to work on self-esteem, anxiety and acceptance.