Cooley's Mirror Self Theory: what it is and what it says about self-esteem

When we look at ourselves in a mirror, what we are seeing is not us, but our reflection. This reflection can be distorted, subject to different biases and subjective interpretations of what we are seeing.

This same effect happens when we interact with others. Our parents, friends and acquaintances act as if they were mirrors, reflecting the image we think we give. The image we have of ourselves is conditioned by what we believe others perceive and think of us.

Cooley's mirror self theory It tells us about how our self-concept, self-esteem and self-image are conditioned by what we think others see and think of us. Let's dig a little deeper to see what it's all about.

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What is Cooley's mirror self theory?

The mirror self theory is a concept originally proposed by the American sociologist Charles Horton Cooley (1864-1929). This proposal asserts that a person's self grows from social interactions that maintains that individual with the people around him. We all project ourselves in society in one way or another, but that reflection is defined by our own perceptions of how we suppose others see us.

Cooley explained that it's like looking in a mirror. On its reflective surface we observe a face, a figure, some clothes... In his theory, in this case we see ourselves from the mind of others, not from our own.

Just as we will never be able to see ourselves physically without using a mirror, nor can we see ourselves psychologically if it is not through the minds of others. The image we see will seem attractive or unpleasant depending on how we evaluate the perceptions of others about ourselves.

Interaction with other people, especially family, friends, and acquaintances acts as that social mirror, which helps us to have a perception of our image and, even, our worth. Our self-concept is formed based on an understanding of how others perceive us and how we think others perceive us. The idea we have of what our own image is like is actually the product of beliefs and reflections about how we think those around us evaluate us.

For example, imagine parents who think their child is very smart. These adults will tend to have certain expectations of the child. As a consequence of them, the child will believe that he is really an intelligent person, regardless of his academic performance or IQ, which will influence his own behavior, self-esteem and self-concept.

If, on the other hand, these same parents believe that their child is "stupid", the child will assume that he is in fact not very intelligent, because that is how the others have "reflected" him.

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How is our mirror self formed?

According to Cooley, the formation of the mirror self involves three steps.

1. The person imagines how others see him

First of all, we imagine what appearance we show to others. Sometimes this image is quite close to reality, but other times it is totally distorted with respect to what our real appearance is in front of other people. The image we form of how we think others see us is still something markedly subjective..

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2. The person imagines how others judge him

Once we have formed an image of how we think others see us, we imagine what they think of it. In this step we imagine what judgments people make of us based on our appearance., judgments that can be positive or negative.

3. The person feels from how he thinks he is perceived

The third and final step in the process of formation of the mirror self is that we feel one way or another depending on what judgments others have about the image we think we give. It is in this step that we can feel different emotions, from joy and pride in thinking that we are valued by others, to sadness and shame if we perceive our reflection in others as negative.

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Children and the mirror self theory

Cooley pointed out that children are especially oriented to use the Mirror Self. Children and adolescents are very sensitive to the opinions of others about their selves.

If we receive a positive interaction from an early age, our emotions are validated and we are values ​​for how we are, the image that we will see in our social mirrors will be healthy, beautiful and nice.

The personal image of children and adolescents depends on their social environment, feeds heavily on criticism and rewards from parents, friends, schoolmates, and teachers.

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The mirror self and social networks

Although the mirror self theory was postulated in 1902, it is perfectly applicable to today's world. We live in a society in which practically everyone cares about how others see him and what they think about what he thinks. We have proof of this in social networks, platforms that are the living demonstration of how the mirror self works. The self-esteem, self-concept and self-image of most users of these networks is strongly conditioned by the feedback they receive from their followers.

Social networks are the mirror in which we reflect on the contemporary world, that mirror in which we build our self-image based on the judgments of others. When we post a photo on Instagram or a video on TikTok, will generate interactions in the form of reinforcements or criticism. Positive interaction allows today to build a positive self-image. Instead, the negative completely boycotts the perception we have about ourselves.

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About us?

In understanding Cooley's mirror self theory, it is inevitable to ask the following question: who are we really? Bearing in mind that our self-concept depends on what we think others see in us, our perception about ourselves is not entirely genuine.

How can we know who we really are? Can we be sure of our “true self”, separate from all things in the external social world? Really, it is very complicated. A deep self-knowledge and ignoring the opinion of others is needed to know oneself.

Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are, for their talent and personality. However, if we have a weak image of ourselves or place too much importance on the opinion of others over our own, we will make our lives depend on the expectations that others have of us.

Added to this, we must understand that reality is still something that passes through the filters of our mind, biases and distortions that make it impossible for us to know it without distortion. The real social world as we perceive it remains a mere illusion.