Family resentment: possible causes, psychological effects, and what to do

There is no doubt that the family is one of the main points of support in people's lives, normally playing an essential role in the correct development of its different members. In addition, the family gives us security and allows us to learn to face various situations. However, the family is not exempt from problems and disputes between its members, and resentment can develop.

Family resentment is a pattern of attitudes of resentment and hatred on the part of one or more members of a family towards another relative or several who have committed some negative act and/or detrimental to them, so there is a moral and sentimental pain that has been maintained over time and, therefore, they have not been able to forgive the family member who harmed

In this article we will explain in more detail what is the concept known as family resentment and how it affects the relationships between members of a family, as well as some examples that could trigger it.

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What is family resentment?

As we well know, The family is a fundamental nucleus of great importance for the proper development of each of the members and groups that make up a society.. The family is the sustenance and support of each and every one of its members, especially the smallest, so that family ties are important in the correct development of the personality and the way of behaving in society, being also an essential point of support in the life of the persons.

However, disputes and various problems can also arise in the family that could cause rancor or resentment between its different members, so it is an aspect to take into account from a psychological.

Family resentment could be defined as a pattern of attitudes of resentment, hatred and pain at a moral level that is usually maintained over a long period of time by one or more members of a family towards another or more members of the same, so that the relationships between them are cracked, so if the people who are resentful cannot forgive happened and close the wounds, they are likely to never have a healthy relationship with their family members against whom they hold a grudge.

From research in psychology and systemic family therapy in which family problems are worked on, it has been observed that when there is family resentment, normally there is usually only one resentful family member, with a grudge that is not able to eliminate towards another and other members, but usually causes alliances, so that ties develop between two or more members of the family around that resentment.

Thus, among all the members who feel that family resentment reinforce those negative attitudes towards other family members for something harmful that may have been done to them in the past. In this way they reinforce the negative experience suffered and hate or resentment feeds back even more, making it more difficult to forgive and forget what happened.

When there is a family resentment, it is common for resentful members to feel that they have been betrayed by the action of a relative or relatives who made them suffer at a given time. for various reasons such as having felt neglected at some point by other relatives, because of some economic dispute, because a relative did not help them when they needed it most, etc. In such cases, an emotion of resentment is fed that lasts over time and is difficult to eradicate.

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Examples of acts that could cause family resentment

As strange as it may seem at first glance, family resentment is quite common., and it is that as the following expression says "in all the houses beans are cooked", which is the same, everywhere or in all families there are problems and no one is exempt from them, the most important thing being the way in which it is faced, since although we do not like it there are times when it is inevitable that happen.

It is possible that we ourselves have been victims or executioners of family resentment, having occurred for justified reasons, or even unjustified, so that someone in the The family becomes the focus of disappointment for their relatives, and thus, whoever becomes the victim of family resentment ends up being reviled and singled out by other members of their family. family. In the most serious cases, that person may become the black sheep of the family and become a focus of hatred and resentment., whose name ceases to be pronounced by their relatives.

Family resentment can be triggered by various causes, so we are going to see some examples in which it could be the case that we are the ones who feel that resentment:

• Feeling like an undervalued son.
• Feeling that we are the son who goes unnoticed, having a brother who is the focus of praise.
• Feeling as if we were the black sheep of the family.
• Feeling that we have been humiliated by other family members on some or even several occasions.
• When we feel that our parents and siblings have failed us when we needed it most.
• Feeling that we cannot trust our family.
• Not feeling sufficiently respected, valued and/or loved by one or more relatives.
• Feeling betrayed by one or several members of our family.

There are also examples of situations in which we could have caused that family resentment in our relatives, such as the following:

• Not paying enough attention to our children.
• To have flattered one son more than another.
• Not being supportive enough of a brother when he was going through a rough patch.
• Having exposed a family member at some point.
• Not respecting a relative enough.
• Not having given the value it deserves to any of our relatives.
• Not having shown our affection to a family member, such as a child.
• Having betrayed or deceived one or several members of our family for any reason.

As we have seen, family resentment can be triggered by various reasons from day to day, being some of them much more common than others and triggered sometimes without it being on purpose, so it is important to be aware of our actions towards our relatives so that we do not give rise to this happening in our family, trying to give the attention and recognition that our closest beings deserve, trying to have a fluid communication that allows a correct understanding by all.

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Consequences of family resentment

Family resentment is that hate-oriented attitudinal pattern that causes negative feelings that persist with the memory of the event that initially led to that resentment we feel. When this occurs in a family in which there are young members, what this resentment can cause is that the youngest learn an attitudinal pattern of hate early on, which might be inappropriate for someone who has not yet achieved enough maturity.

Therefore, in the event that family resentment is causing suffering to us, to that member or members of our family to whom hold a grudge or because of the damage that this situation could cause in our children, it is convenient to take into account a series of guidelines that could serve as a reference to start suturing the wound caused by the resentment we feel so that we can forgive what happened and, to be possible, reestablish the relationship with our relatives that we had given up for lost.

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To do?

Family resentment often creates an environment of negativity, hostility, and even suffering within the family home, so only forgiveness would be the tool that could alleviate that long-lasting suffering that has been stuck. With forgiveness, those ties that had been broken could be recovered and thus the members of the family could feel liberated from such a heavy slab that they had carried on their backs for so long, such as resentment or resentment.

However, forgiving is not an easy task, much less forgetting something that has caused us much suffering, although it is not impossible if they make an effort to achieve it to repair those relationships with those relatives with whom in the past we had had some grudges

On the other hand, in case we find it impossible to recover the relationship that existed before what caused that feeling happened, An alternative could be to forgive that family member in order to put an end to that family resentment and in this way turn the page, being able to move each one forward on their own path, since resentment will not allow us to get rid of hate or suffering.