Martyr complex: what it is, how to identify it and what to do about it

Sacrificing oneself for the good of others is one of the maxims of Christianity, something that has deeply permeated Western societies. Even in those that are least believed, the act of helping others at the expense of one's own well-being is an act interpreted as kind, of a good person.

Helping others is fine, but everything has a limit and sometimes this help can even become a whole exhibition of believing oneself better than others for accumulating the burdens that one really cannot bear.

The martyr complex is a condition in which people sacrifice more than they should, but at the same time combined with a certain air of being better than others and a mixture of low self-esteem. Let's take a closer look at what it consists of.

• Related article: "What is an emotional manipulator? The 6 characteristics and warning signs"

What is the martyr complex?

Many people put the well-being of others ahead of their own and even consider the opinions of others more important than their own. This, which may seem so charitable and generous on their part, ends up making them adopt the role of a everlasting victim because they are the ones who suffer the most around him, the ones who carry the greatest adversity life. It's actually as if they were looking for it. This way of living life is what we can call as the martyr complex.

The martyr complex is often justified under the excuse of love, duty and sacrifice. It implies adopting an attitude, voluntarily, seeking suffering and feeling persecuted in order to feed certain psychological needs.

He is the belief that sacrificing implies being a better person, is thinking that it is the right thing to do. The search for that suffering leads the martyr to feel somewhat better about himself.

In the martyr's way of interpreting the world, carrying the weight of sorrow and misfortune interprets it as an act of kindness, since he takes it from another person. He makes him feel more valuable, that he is fulfilling a vital purpose, which is to save others from suffering., even if it is charging him or her. But this pattern of behavior is highly self-destructive since constantly ignoring your own needs makes it chronically unhappy, and on top of that he feels that others should be grateful, but because they don't show it, he ends up getting very frustrated.

• You may be interested: "Emotional blackmail: a powerful form of manipulation in the couple"

How does a martyr behave?

Really, to a certain degree we are all a bit of a martyr. Sacrificing oneself for the good of others is something established in Western cultures because it is one of the pillars of Christianity.. On more than one occasion we will have sacrificed ourselves for someone we care about or who we believe really needed a favor or thoughtless act from us. But in the case of people with a martyr complex this reaches a very intense extreme.

To identify a person who might have this complex we must pay attention to various behaviors, thoughts, beliefs and values. Among them we have the following signs.

They consider themselves good people, but at the level of heroes or even saints. They see themselves as morally elevated before others, which makes them also see other people as selfish or insensitive for two reasons: one, for not sacrificing like them; and two, for not valuing the effort they are making by sacrificing themselves, even when there is not the slightest need. On top of that, they tend to exaggerate their level of suffering to ensure that they give the image of a sacrificed person.

This type of persons they speak in such a way that with their speech they capture the attention and recognition of those who listen to them. They tend to have very low self-esteem, something easy to detect because they often say that they are not worthy or deserving of love, and they also tend to underestimate their personality and abilities.

They have a hard time saying no and setting limits. Because of this, they load themselves with too many favors and can even fall into abusive relationships. But paradoxically, some martyrs end up becoming manipulators, abusers psychological, taking advantage of his situation as a victim to make emotional blackmail and get what he wants. want from others.

Another characteristic that defines them is that they are not able to solve their personal problems efficiently. They do not implement strategies to solve their problems. But it is that, in addition, when any of these problems ends up being solved by the mere passage of time, the person with a martyr complex puts the focus of attention on another who did not give him so much before importance. They see the glass always half empty, there will always be a new problem to lament over and over again.

As we said, they have a vision of themselves as people who are morally superior to others. This motivates them to look for ways to show their kindness and good intentions, while at the same time generate situations in which it makes others seem bad people, selfish, bad in simple words.

They are often disappointed to see how others react when they do something for them. This is because, even if they do not do it to obtain favors, they are often unhappy with the degree to which their good deeds are appreciated by others. Seek admiration and praise from others And, of course, if others do not see it as something too important or simply see it as one more favor, the person with a martyr complex even takes it as an offense.

• Related article: "Manipulatory people have these 5 traits in common"

How to act before such a person?

People with a martyr complex are not easy to deal with. These individuals can become extremely tiresome and exhausting as they spend all the time telling us how bad they are having it. Their negativity, loaded with the desire to be the center of attention and longing for recognition, can affect us a lot.. They infect us with their negativity, making us also see that we suffer more serious things than we they really are but, on top of that, they make us feel bad for not being as "charitable" or "kind" as they think they are. are they.

To deal with these types of people we can use the following three strategies:

1. not accept their favors

Not accept favors or help on our behalf that he or she may interpret as a hard sacrifice. With these people it happens that the more we receive from them, the more likely it is that the martyr will feel disappointed with us for not valuing it, making that a source of conflict in the not so future far.

It is not a question of rejecting everything that they offer us, but it is a matter of assessing when it is really necessary to receive their help. What we can do on our own, in case he offers to help us, we can tell him that it is not necessary, that we can manage ourselves, that we are self-sufficient.

• You may be interested: "The 6 types of social skills, and what they are for"

2. Don't feed your victimhood

When a person with a martyr complex conveys their feelings of grief and victimhood to you, the worst thing you can do is wind it up. Do not reinforce his anguish or fall into compassion because, if you do, you will contribute to his constant whining and complaints about the heavy load he carries on his back. What you should do is change the direction of the conversation, highlighting the positive in your life or some of your strengths instead of highlighting what you complain about.

• Related article: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

3. explain how we feel

If the person with a martyr complex is someone important to you, You should explain to her how her victimhood makes you feel and that her actions are not in your best interest or hers.. Most likely, at first, he will be defensive. However, if things are discussed calmly, valuing their effort and offering solutions, it is possible that realize that his suffering is useless and that, furthermore, he has caused the people he intended to help to suffer too.