Orbiting: what it is and how it affects relationships after a breakup

In a world where we were still getting used to the idea of ​​how traumatic the "ghosting", now comes a new phenomenon to worry about in our interpersonal relationships: the orbiting.

It is a kind of half-ghosting, fading but not quite. Whether it's our ex, a friend who has stood us up or someone who wanted to break the relationship but hasn't left completely, giving the occasional signal through social networks.

Let's see in more detail what is orbiting, how social networks have maximized this phenomenon and what must be done to avoid being a victim of it.

• Related article: "Ghosting: cut off the relationship without explaining or responding to messages"

What is orbiting?

Human relationships are complicated, for better and for worse. They all have a beginning followed by a knot and, some, an end, a rupture that can be consensual and peaceful or tense and conflictive. Other times the end of the relationship is sudden, being one that takes the initiative to break up and without the other giving him time to react and giving the impression that the end is open because. The one who has left wonders over and over again “Is the relationship over or are we still dating?”

The unknown arises especially when whoever has broken has done so simply by disappearing.

Orbiting is a phenomenon closely related to ghosting, so before explaining it in depth, let's briefly see what the latter is. Ghosting is a very common social practice nowadays, in which basically a person who maintains a relationship with another (especially love but can also be friendship) leaves her without a trace any. The break is not done with words or gestures, but simply by not giving signals to the other party. and pretend it never existed. It is as if it has vanished from the face of the earth.

Orbiting is the little brother of ghosting. It occurs in love and friendship relationships, in which one of the two wants to stop having an intimate relationship. However, the difference here is that contact is not completely lost, since the abandoner continues to give signals, especially through social networks. You may even get to interact with the abandoned part but in a very superficial way, like liking their posts or viewing their stories. Of course, he does not answer his direct messages nor does he take his calls.

• You may be interested: "The 7 types of harassment and their characteristics"

They orbit around you

“Orbiting” means “orbiting” or “orbiting” in English, and it defines very well the behavior that encompasses the term, coined by Anna Lovine in the blog “The Man Repeller”. The "orbiters", that is, the people who disappear from our lives but without abandoning it completely, orbit us as the Earth does with the Sun: they circle around us, but they do not touch us. They are not too involved in our life but they want to know everything that is new in it. They need to stay informed but in indirect ways, never having a direct conversation with us.

So, and as we mentioned, our "orbiter", whether they are a former partner, former friend or a distant relative, will gossip about what we do and stop doing on social networks. It will look at all of our Instagram stories, it may retweet our Tweets, and it will even leave the occasional terse and derisory comment on our Facebook photos. Yes, that person who was your boyfriend two weeks ago and now leaves you as seen on WhatsApp is capable of giving you a “hahahaha XD” in the last one you posted. Break up with you in the real world, but stay on top of your life in the virtual.

But we should not think that this phenomenon is exclusive to social networks. Although new technologies have enhanced it, the truth is that orbiting is something that has existed all our lives. Basically, it is to be aware of the life of a person with whom you previously had a very deep relationship and, now that it's broken, you don't want to be close but you don't want to be too far away so as not to find out what's going on with your life.

• Related article: "Psychosocial consequences of excessive use of social networks"

Consequences of orbiting

Orbiting implies several consequences that fall mainly on the "orbited". The person who is the victim of this type of dynamic she may be trapped in a situation of uncertainty when she sees that her ex-partner or ex-friend has abandoned her, but not completely. She's not sure if the relationship has broken down or just taken time.

As he sees that his ex is still aware of what she does on social networks, the orbited person can harbor the hope that they will return. The reality is that he most likely does not want to get back together with her but is interested in gossiping about her life.

Despite this, people who are victims of orbiting they may not realize the serious problem of emotional dependency in which they are immersed. Far from accepting the fact that they are not going to get back with them, as their ex orbits around them, they think that this could mean something. It is not surprising, then, that the fact that their ex continues to watch their Instagram stories or comment on their Instagram posts. Facebook is, after all, interaction, and one can believe that, even if it is minimal, it means that there is still hope.

Especially in the context of love relationships, these dynamics are fueled by the misconception that love meets only once, as Angélica Vera Vázquez, professor of human sexuality and psychology at gender. If the orbiter is an ex, the orbited person may cling to the idea that perhaps this is the love of her life and that at some point she will speak to him again to restart the relationship. The sad reality is that that ex has not had the courage to break up with him or her by talking to him or her, but rather has half-ghosted him or her.

This type of behavior, which seems mild, can escalate into symbolic violence. Asymmetric patterns of power begin to be created where one of the two, the orbiter, knows that it can cause a problem. You may not be aware of the power that the other person has given you, the force that you exert on the person orbited by the simple fact of consulting his publications and making him believe that there is still something.

• You may be interested: "Emotional dependency: the pathological addiction to your sentimental partner"

orbiting testimonials

People who have been victims of love orbiting have very similar experiences that can be exemplified with the following anonymous testimonials altered to respect their privacy.

“Every time we talked about feelings, he told me that “now I can't or don't want to be with you”, but he kept commenting on the posts so I thought maybe that “now” would change. I clung to the fact that now was a maybe, and that he liked my photos and my memes made me believe that maybe was getting closer.

“I fell for his game and started doing the same. Since I liked my photos, I did the same with his. I looked at his stories, reacted to what he posted and got used to the idea that the flame of the relationship was still alive. He didn't answer me by private message, but he didn't block me from the network either, so I thought there was a chance to come back."

• Related article: "How to start over after a couple breakup: 8 tips to follow"

What to do in these situations?

If we are going through an orbiting situation, in which our ex-partner or ex-friend is aware of what we do in the networks and that leaves us with the doubt of the uncertainty of whether he is going to return or not, all accompanied by suffering, we must ask ourselves a few questions before acting:

• Why do I love that person?
• Is it really what I need?
• What am I waiting for?

As we have commented, with orbiting they are doing a half-ghosting to us. It is there but it is not. He wants to have enough of a relationship with us to know about our lives but not enough to connect on as intimate a level as before the situation. This is why it is important to learn to distance yourself, to say goodbye and to understand that if your presence in the social networks and other platforms hurts us, there is only one thing that will make us feel better: block it.

You have to learn that it's ok to block according to which people. Let's see it this way, it's as if we were giving it a little push to get away from our lives definitively. It is to make him take that step that he did not dare to take on his own and make it a complete ghosting, only that the victim is no longer us but those who have had the last word.

Learn that who you are doesn't depend on who "likes" you or who sees your photos.. It is also understanding that you do not need to give a "like" to feel important, that if you really love someone in your life, you should tell them and not be intermittent. And if you want to break up with him or her, tell him clearly and do not leave him in uncertainty, because the mourning for the breakup will be worse for him. Things always have to be talked about, even if they are bad.