The difficult challenge of ghosting: living with doubt

One of the biggest challenges for victims of ghosting is interpreting the meaning of cutting off all contact, without any clues as to what to expect.

Ghosting (“disappear like a ghost”) is an Anglo-Saxon term, popularized in recent years, which colloquially describes the practice of breaking up a relationship using technology as a means to cut off all contact suddenly, without warning and without explanation.

The person doing the ghosting abruptly disappears and does not answer a single call or message again, blocking everything communication channel (Whatsapp, Instagram, Tinder, etc.) or ignoring any approach attempt (it leaves you “in viewed"; connects, but does not respond, etc.) and, assuming that it is the other party who must thus be made aware of the end of the relationship.

Although disappearing without saying a word is not an invention of modern times, the anonymity and physical distance offered by technology are a huge enabler for those who prefer to get rid of the discomfort that an explicit closure or face to face.

Ghosting is a way to break up a relationship without having to break it up clearly..

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Doubt in ghosting

As in any breakup, the person who is left will have to go through a grieving process. Grief is an instinctive tool that the human being has to face the consequences of a significant loss (the death of a loved one, a dismissal or a love break). Nevertheless, Being a victim of ghosting has a whole series of implications that aggravate the impact of the breakup and that delay the proper preparation of the duel over time..

This is fundamentally due to the fact that, as there is no explicit closure, the person doing the ghosting transfers to the victim the task of interpreting the meaning of that sudden cessation of contact. For many this signal is as clear as any other form of rejection, however, the ambiguity of ghosting prevents the victim from knowing with certainty what she is facing.

At first, since the interruption in communication is often sudden and unexpected, the confused victim of ghosting looks for answers that justify the action of the other: "he may have blocked me unintentionally", "he may have lost his cell phone", "something may have happened to him". emergency”, etc.

Later, the lack of certainty transfers the doubts to the relationship itself and to oneself: “Have I done something wrong?”, “Are you going to stop talking to me? until he gets over it or is this final?”, “Are we still together or not anymore?”, “Can I do something to reverse the situation?”, “Could it be that I never did I like it?”, etc. These are questions that are not resolved and that leave the victim of ghosting without explanations, defenseless and with the feeling of not being able to do anything about it (lack of control) and not knowing which way to go.

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What can be done in the absence of information?

These are the main measures to consider.

1. Understand that ignoring is also a way of acting

Ghosting is itself an act. Disappearing and ignoring someone implies deciding to do so. Ghosting is an avoidant and very belligerent way of behaving when you want to leave a relationship.

Not knowing what are the reasons that lead someone to act in this way does not mean that they do not can observe objective facts that allow the victim to understand that whoever has been her partner (or [email protected]) has chosen, out of all the options she had, to do it this way. That's when it suits wonder if you want to have someone by your side who faces difficulties in this way.

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2. Ask yourself: Who benefits from doing things this way?

There are reasons to ghosting. Sometimes they are based on a worrying lack of empathy. Others are due to a matter of cowardice, comfort or lack of social skills. Be that as it may, those who do ghosting have preferred to opt for the path that was easiest for them.

3. apologize

No one can prevent being ghosted. Choosing to do it is the other's task. Our western society has educated people in a kind of meritocratic thinking in which they believe that effort and merit guarantee reward. This is nothing more than a mirage, since in reality there is no predictable order. A person can surrender to their relationship and gladly strive to be a good life partner, but this does not have to ensure that the other party behaves the same way.

Dedication and effort can increase the chances of a certain reciprocity, but under no circumstances are they guarantees of a good result. You can be a good match and still get ghosted. Or, on the contrary, you can be a bad partner and never receive ghosting. The decision to break up in this way, within the entire spectrum of possibilities, belongs to the other and it is important to understand it so as not to fall into irrational justifications or self-blame.

4. give up an explanation

The human being is, by nature, much more comfortable in explanation (certainty) than in doubt (uncertainty). Understanding why what happens helps you anticipate the eventuality and better prepare for the future. Many victims of ghosting believe that if they could obtain the real reasons why they have been subjected to it, they could reverse the situation or prevent it in the future.

The problem is that it is not always possible to clear the doubt. Sometimes, when there is no other option, people have to live with it, tolerate it and accept it.

Failure to do so implies fighting to know what cannot be known and this will only make one feel guilty, frustrated and even more despised. by the other person, for not being able to respond to what you want despite his efforts and will prevent you from focusing on recovering and move along. In order not to fall into stagnation and false hope, it is essential to actively give up an explanation and learning to live with the discomfort of not knowing. One must remember what he values ​​in life and take action in that regard.

Doubt is annoying, but the relentless search for an explanation that may not come is bound to be paralyzing.

Author: Laura Coronel Hernández, General Health Psychologist at the TAP Center.