The causes of dysfunctional self-demand in the family

Self-demand is a positive personal characteristic as long as it is presented in a balanced way, that is, as long as reasonable and attainable goals are set for the individual.

The ability to demand oneself is influenced by biological factors, but also by environmental factors, with the family being one of the social systems that contributes the most to the development of individuals. For this reason, depending on the parenting style or the teaching method to which we have been exposed, it is likely that we will show a greater or lesser degree of self-demand. And in some cases, the influence of fathers and mothers contributes to the development of a dysfunctional self-demand mode, which brings us more problems than benefits.

A phenomenon closely linked to dysfunctional self-demand is excessive perfectionism, which leads us to seek to be the best without ever having enough or recognizing or appreciating our achievements. This mode of behavior can lead to psychological effects such as generalized anxiety or depression.

In this article we will talk about how dysfunctional self-demand is linked to the family environment in our days.

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What is self-demand?

Self-demand consists of the ability to set goals and fight to achieve them, thus surpassing ourselves. Thus, this is considered a good personality characteristic, since it helps the individual to improve and achieve their goals. The problem arises when these demands made on oneself appear in excess or are disproportionate.

People have limits both linked to our abilities and skills and related to With our bodily functions, we need to satisfy basic needs such as sleep. The capacity for self-demand drives us to continue, but we may set ourselves irrational goals, impossible to achieve that interfere with our functionality and end up harming us.

We see how there is a fine line between generating positive effects and having negative repercussions, as in excesses are bad in most situations, we must not fall into the trap of wanting to be perfect.

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Its relationship with perfectionism

Today's society requires individuals to be the best and continuously improve themselves. This thought influences the subject generating the belief that it must be perfect and that nothing is ever enough. The main problem is that perfection does not exist for this reason it is common for a feeling of frustration to appear in the person, thus affecting their state and their life.

In order to improve and achieve the desired results, it is necessary to try and fail. We mean that, especially when we are starting something, when we are learning, it is normal trial-error, that is, we need to make mistakes to know what we must modify to achieve our goals. objectives. Thinking that everything works out the first time makes no sense and doesn't help us stay motivated to improve.

Wanting to improve is positive as long as the goals to be achieved are realistic, since if not, we will not be able to satisfy them and, therefore, we will never be happy nor can we reward ourselves for it. Excessive self-demand and perfectionism can lead to affectations of the subject's state, even generating pathologies such as anxiety, mental and physical exhaustion, stress or depression.

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Self-demand in the family

Being a characteristic of the personality, self-demand can appear in any social area of ​​the individual's life.

The family system is considered a primary group, which is defined as a small group of not many subjects and that they have a strong link between them, that is, one member of the group exerts influence over another and vice versa. Thus, we can observe self-demand in the different members of the family, both in the parents and in the children. We see how self-demanding does not arise only in adulthood but can also be observed in children.

As with most personal traits, their presence is influenced by both biological and environmental aspects, in other words, the subject already he will have a genetic predisposition to self-demand but will also influence and depend on the influence he receives from the outside, such as the social environment that surrounds him. Therefore, it does influence learning.

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Causes of excessive self-demand in the family

Correctly exercising the different roles of care and upbringing in the family is not easy; We are not born knowing how to be parents or behaving as exemplary children. For this reason it is normal that we do not always perform our functions optimally. Thus, we will see behaviors of dysfunctional self-demand both in the parents (who establish themselves as goal to be the best educating their children) and in the children (who seek to be the children copies).

Being a father or mother is one of the most important roles that a subject performs, being considered one of the most complex roles. Before having the child, it is normal for the parents to have a thought or have an idea of ​​how everything will happen, how they will be them as parents and how their child will be, they want everything to be perfect, to be the best in everything, but achieving this goal is impossible.

Here we will see how self-demand arises in the family environment, both because of problematic parenting and social relationship dynamics and influencing them.

1. wants to be perfect

As we have already advanced, one of the causes of excessive self-demanding is want to be perfect in everything. If we set ourselves impossible goals that are far from our possibilities and capabilities, it will be impossible for us to achieve them and the results will never seem sufficient.

We see this perfectionism in parents when they want to be the best, not only in the family environment but also at work, in the group of friends... and in children who want to become the perfect child, in the same way in different areas such as family, school, activities extracurricular…

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2. He always compares himself to others

Comparing oneself is a very common behavior that does not bring anything good to the individual, since most of the time we tend to focus on the traits or characteristics where the other person stands out and surpasses us, valuing only the result and not taking into account the process that the other subject has carried out to achieve that goal, nor what are their skills. That is, decontextualized the comparison without taking into account essential variables that justify the differences.

These comparisons can be shown by parents, who value their behavior considering that of other parents. We live in a social environment and, therefore, it is normal to be influenced by other people; but we must not forget that each one of us is different and that the behaviors or ways of acting that are good for some does not have to work with all, there are different forms of parenting, all of which are equally valid.

In children we can also observe a tendency to compare themselves with other children, whether they are classmates or siblings. Likewise, this corporation also does not benefit them, as their circumstances may not be the same as the other child's and they create in him a sense of inferiority where improvement is continually being demanded in some characteristics or variables that are not their own, instead of focusing on working on their own skills.

These comparisons can also be external, that is, it can be another individual who makes the comparison, such as the mother in the case of children or a friend in the case of parents.

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3. Overly demanding and restrictive parents

As we have already said, self-demand is also developed by external influence, in this way if our parents have been or are very demanding and strict with us, it is likely that we will end up adopting this need to do everything well and always achieve everything. It is common to observe that parents who are demanding is because they themselves have had very demanding parents, that is, the pattern is repeated. Similarly, very self-demanding children often receive a very strict upbringing.

4. Does not recognize your achievements

In families with a high degree of self-demand, there is a tendency to only consider and highlight the things that are done wrong and should be improved, for this reason it is common to observe punishment or self-punishment On the other hand, the behaviors and positive results achieved by the subjects are not valued, they are considered as something normal that should not be highlighted and, therefore, no reward or prize will be received for it. They will live always thinking about what they must achieve in the future and they will not enjoy what they have already achieved.

5. Dependence on the approval of others

Sometimes we observe that self-demand appears as a need to be recognized and valued positively for others, for the people around us, in this case for our relatives. Likewise, the excessive demand directed at oneself will have the final objective of obtaining external reinforcement. We verified how there are families that reinforce the need to like the other more than liking each other. In this way, the self-demand linked to receiving the approval of my family members increases.

6. Only highlights negative results

It is not strange that in the family environment only the negative aspects or variables stand out. In other words, we can observe how parents pay much more attention to what the child does wrong, pointing out everything that needs to be improved. In the same way, reproaches can also appear between the couple only taking into account when the other acts badly.

It seems that they do not teach us to value what we do well and only highlight the bad things. This behavior, contrary to what we expect, does not help progress and development, since it can generate in the individual a feeling of frustration, of doing everything wrong and as a consequence an excessive self-demand for never being enough.

7. Everything is black or white

The conception that things are right or wrong is a fairly common thought in self-demanding people and is mainly acquired from our family environment. It is taught not to contemplate intermediates "either it is well done or it is bad", "either you are good at something or you are bad". Thus, it is common for excessive self-demand to develop in order to be the best, since otherwise it will mean being bad.

8. does not tolerate mistakes

As we have already pointed out, the error is not bad, nor does it mean failure, it is part of a progress that we must make in order to achieve the achievements. In families where mistakes are not allowed, it is normal for its members to develop a dysfunctional self-demand, trying always do things right and not conceive or tolerate being wrong or that something goes wrong, this fact will also lead to frustration.

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On Psychology and Psychotherapy Miguel Ángel We have been attending and offering our services in the sector since 1981, and as a health center with decades of experience, we offer coverage against all mental health problems linked to low self-esteem, anxiety, depressive disorders, family relationships, couple crises, and plus.