How to deal with overly absorbing parents as adults

With each life stage, new roles, new habits and new ways of interacting with the environment and with others arrive. It is a process of adaptation and self-improvement that we face whether we like it or not, for the simple fact of growing up.

But fathers and mothers do not always adapt to the rate of development of their sons and daughters, something that is not surprising if we take into account that the first taking of contact with their little ones occurs when the latter are totally dependent and in a relatively short time they go from needing help for everything to being Adults.

One of the problems that can appear when parents fail to accept that their little ones have grown up, there is a tendency to be very "absorbent" and overprotective with their adult sons and daughters. In this article we will see some tips on what to do in these cases.

• Related article: "The 9 stages of life of human beings"

Problems that arise when parents are overprotective of adults

These are the main signs of discomfort that appear in cases in which fathers and mothers behave in a overprotective and absorbent with their sons and daughters who are already adults or are beginning to enter this phase of lifetime.

1. Lack of privacy

Privacy is a need that strongly breaks into our lives already in puberty, and that, as is logical, remains more valid than ever during adulthood.. For this reason, the simple physical presence of fathers and mothers can generate discomfort in certain contexts, something facilitated by the cases in which they spend many hours a day near of them (something common in adults who are forced to continue living with their parents due to their economic inability to emancipate themselves, which is common in Spain, Unfortunately).

Many problems should not appear if the material living conditions are decent and parents know how to respect the private space of their son or daughter, but this is not always the case.

2. feelings of shame

Shame is another of the psychological factors to take into account: people who see that their fathers and mothers try to be in each and every one of the aspects of their lives you can see this as a phenomenon of erosion of their dignity (or even, sometimes, as an attack on it), because there is an inconsistency between the role of the adult person clashes with the treatment received. Therefore, they may try to avoid interactions with their parents when they are in the company of their friends or their partner, something that is a source of stress in certain situations.

These feelings of shame they can even have the long-term effect of self-esteem problems, something that happens when the son or daughter comes to believe that she really needs the help of her parents despite the fact that due to her age she should already be independent.

3. Conflicts when making decisions

Along the same lines as the above, many fathers and mothers take it for granted that they should be advising and guiding the decision-making of their sons or daughters indefinitely. This gives rise to paradoxical situations: adults trying to lecture other adults on topics they objectively know less about than the person they are talking to.

Of course, in most cases they do not do it maliciously, but at the same time they feel frustrated when they perceive that their "little one" or "little one" does not obey to reasons, because they are well aware that their duty is to advise at all times and that the simple fact of having lived longer gives authority on almost any subject.

Advice to fathers and mothers who are too invasive and absorbing in adulthood

If you are an adult who is upset by your parent's overbearing, overprotective, or even seemingly nosy attitude, follow these guidelines.

1. practice assertiveness

That your mother or father has already gotten used to treating you like this for years is no excuse not to talk about it if it makes you feel bad., on the contrary, reveals that you have to "open that melon" as soon as possible, because if not, it will continue to entrench itself in your relationship. Showing disagreement or discomfort with the way they treat you is not bad, since if you approach the subject from a way of speaking that makes it clear that you seek agreements and not simply accuse or make them feel bad, it is implicit that you believe the other person capable of modifying their behavior.

Therefore, bet on assertiveness: do not leave anything important in the inkwell, but express it without resulting in an attack. The important thing is not that what you say does not bother (this is not something you can totally control) but that the possible annoyance it may cause is not interpreted as an attack or disrespect intentional.

2. Get used to detecting the threshold of anger

All the moments in which you feel that the way in which your parents behave with you are likely to be discussed with respect and looking for solutions, as we have already seen. However, it is important to learn to listen to oneself in relation to one's own emotions and, in the moments in which we notice that we are very angry, it is best to stop arguing and let some time pass before continuing to talk about the aspect on which you must reach an agreement. Of course, beware of turning these "breaks" to calm down into excuses not to bring up the subject again.

3. If you see that they feel very bad, express gratitude

It may be that the fact that you ask them for space is seen as an undervaluation of the work they have done raising you. Make it clear that this is not the issue, and that you appreciate the sacrifices they have made, to a greater or lesser extent, so that you become the adult you are.

4. Agree on some basic rules so that they respect your spaces

The act of establishing these rules It will allow you to establish objective criteria to know if there is progress in your relationship, and to what extent. For example: "when I work from home, do not enter my study during working hours". The more specific these norms are in relation to the spatio-temporal references of what is not should do, better, but do not fill them with unnecessary details or exceptions or everything will be too much complicated. Of course, try not to be more than three or four at a time or it will be unaffordable to adapt to all these changes in such a short time and you will end up getting frustrated and throwing in the towel.

5. If you continue to have problems, go to family therapy

Sometimes the only effective measure is to address the issue through the form of psychological intervention designed to overcome this kind of relational problems: family therapy. It is based on weekly sessions in which not only is a channel of honest communication mediated by professionals opened, but exercises are also proposed to apply new ways of managing emotions, of expressing oneself before others and of facilitating that they also express themselves in the correct way, from a constructive mentality and in which arguing is not equivalent to quarrel

• You may be interested: "Family therapy: types and forms of application"

Are you looking for professional psychological support?

If you consider going to the psychologist to overcome some aspect of your life that you notice is giving you problem, whether it has to do with your management of emotions or with your habits and relationships personal, Get in touch with me.

I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral intervention model, as well as Director of the CECOPS Psychological Consulting Center, and I serve young adults, couples and families. You can count on my professional support both in face-to-face sessions (in my office in Madrid) and through online sessions by video call. On this page You will find my contact information.

Bibliographic references:

• Aquilino, W.S.; Supple, K. (1991). Parent-child relations and parents' satisfaction with living arrangements when adult children live at home. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53: p. 13 - 27.
• Hutchinson, J.W. & Stafford, E.M. (2005). Changing parental opinions about teen privacy through education. Pediatrics, 116(4): p. 966 - 971.
• Institute of Medicine; National Research Council. Improving the Health, Safety, and Well-Being of Young Adults: Workshop Summary. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2013 Sep 27. E, Background Paper: Parenting During the Transitions to Adulthood.
• Raup, J.L. & Myers, J.E. (1989). The Empty Nest Syndrome: Myth or Reality?. Journal of Counseling & Development, 68(2): p. 180 - 183.
• Thapa, D.K. (2018). Migration of adult children and mental health of older parents 'left behind': An integrative review. PLOS ONE, 13(10): e0205665.
• Whiteman, S.D.; McHale, S.M.; Crouter, A.C. (2012). Family Relationships From Adolescence to Early Adulthood: Changes in the Family System Following Firstborns’ Leaving Home. Journal of Adolescent Research, 21(2): p. 461 - 474.