Adapting to a new way of raising adolescent children

What happens in adolescence? Why is my child suddenly turning into someone I don't know?

In adolescence great physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, intellectual, social changes occur... Childhood is over, and by ceasing to be children, the little ones do not know who they are; they are forming their identity as people.

• Related article: "The 3 Stages of Adolescence"

keys to adolescence

Between childhood and youth there is a need for that transition stage, which is adolescence. Due to all these changes that happen in it, it is a very complicated stage. But We cannot ask them not to grow, not to develop, as parents we have to prepare ourselves for this stage.

Adolescence lasts between 5 years, 5 and a half years. Girls begin to experience changes earlier, between 6th grade and 1st ESO, while boys experience them in ESO. The highest peak of these changes occurs between the 3rd and 4th years of ESO (for both sexes), and they are the most complicated years.

In high school the situation tends to normalize and we are beginning to have young people instead of teenagers. Obviously, although the evolutionary process is the same for everyone, each one expresses it according to their personality.

All these changes create a lot of confusion for you; their foundations move, and that makes them insecure, incoherent. They say what they think, but not what they feel. They have many paradoxical, inconsistent behaviors. For example: “don't ask me” vs. "do not worry about me". That is why it is sometimes so difficult to understand their behavior.

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What can we do as parents?

We are their coaches for life and we have to guide them. We must educate them and love them. They have to feel loved; is essential for the development of a child. But love is not enough, you have to educate, you have to set limits, rules, responsibilities, we are the authority. Limits give them security, even if they don't like them, they need them.

It is important not to forget that we prepare them for life with the qualities they have, not with the ones we would like. We have to accept our children as they are.

In order to establish those limits we must communicate with them. On many occasions we do not communicate effectively, we ask things aggressively and without reason.

We believe that their problems are something very alien to us and above all that they lack real importance. But for them there is nothing more real than their problems. They manage them as best they can, and that is not why we should judge, preach or give a multitude of advice. that not only have not been requested, but often cannot be applied at the time in which they they live.

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What can we do to improve our relationships with them?

Here are several tips to improve communication and relationships with teens:

1. Listen

when and how they want. Take advantage of that moment where he wants to tell you something, then it will be too late and the moment to speak will have passed. Don't miss that opportunity.

• You may be interested: "Active listening: the key to communicate with others"

2. Do not judge

Not his friends, not his tastes, not his clothes. You already feel very insecure about many aspects of your life, it is not necessary that we increase that insecurity. Judging will only further distance us from them.

3. Share your things with them

Talk to them about how you feel, how your day has been. They are still our children and although they are no longer boys or girls, and do not show much interest, they are comforted to know how we are.

4. Do not solve their problems or organize their life

They need to know that they can always count on us, but that does not mean that we do everything for them or that we do not let them think about the best solution to their problems, they must be autonomous.

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5. Do not make fun of their emotions or repress them

No matter how exaggerated a reaction or response to a problem may seem to you, do not minimize it. let him feel and express himself. You must accompany, listen and show that you understand how he feels.

6. When we make a mistake it is important to apologize

We make a lot of mistakes; That's why it's essential to apologize. I have not done well, I know, I admit it and I'm sorry. It is important that we remember that we are role models.

7. set limits

They are no longer children, but they need us to continue accompanying and guiding. We no longer go with them on the plane, but we are in the control tower for whatever they need.

8. respect

It is essential to understand that they are not only our children, they are people with rights and feelings.

9. Tell him how proud you are of him/her

Knowing that the people who love you, your family are proud of you, It is something that provides great security and improves our self-esteem.. Don't be shy about making it clear how proud you are.

10. show your love

He is still a very important person for you and although he is going through a phase where his friends are his emotional reference, you are their father/mother and they need to feel wanted and loved always.