I don't like my family: how to bond and understand others

'I don't like my family' is one of the most frequent complaints heard in psychotherapy sessions. Sometimes, this is the reason for consultation, the reason why the person has gone to the psychologist; sometimes, it is one of the consequences of the behavioral problem for which they go to therapy. And sometimes, it's both at the same time.

In any case, in many cases it is possible to make great progress in overcoming these kinds of problems, although many do not believe it. It is true that once you have been experiencing a dysfunctional relationship with your parents for years, the idea that things could go any other way seems unrealistic; but it is the truth. If people's behavior patterns are already very flexible and adaptable to circumstances, behavior patterns of several people in interaction can be transformed even more, And this is good news in the world of psychotherapy, because with the help of psychologists it is possible to identify for the first time problems entrenched for years and apply solutions that had never been used before.

Taking this into account, here we will see some of the most used psychological principles in therapy to help people to bond with family.

• Related article: "Family therapy: types and forms of application"

The initial question: an all or nothing question

Before considering how we can reconnect with our family (or connect for the first time, in some cases), it is essential to start with a determining question. One that is at the core of the successive decisions that we will make next; It is at the origin of all of them. This question is as follows: Does my family threaten physical and/or mental health?

If the answer is "yes", we must be clear that The priority is to get to safety as soon as possible. In the most extreme cases, in which there are true cases of constant abuse and violence domestic, this happens by cutting off the relationship, painful as this may be, at least for a while. weather. Time that we will dedicate to repair the emotional wounds that have been left to us and to develop our life independently, gaining in autonomy; Only once this is done will we be far from the danger of falling back into the dynamic of abuse as victims and we will be able to think about giving second chances.

If the answer is "no", we can consider establishing strategies to strengthen these affective ties in the short term., but it is also important to be attentive to the signs that dealing with the family may be taking its toll psychologically, to have a reference about how far we are willing to sacrifice to take the initiative in that emotional reunion.

Thus, at the beginning of everything there is an all or nothing question: either we intend to be within the family and lead a life accordingly. this, or we plan to break completely with that social and relational sphere, or at least with those who have harmed us and with those who have collaborated in it.

• You may be interested: "The 9 types of abuse and their characteristics"

I don't like my family: strategies to overcome conflicts and strengthen family ties

In psychotherapy, each problem is always approached individually, and of course, there is no solutions that ensure, in advance, the resolution of a family conflict that may have lasted for years or decades. However, these general ideas, widely used by therapists, can serve as a reference.

1. You have to combine the moments of intimacy and those of going together

Maintain this healthy balance It makes it possible for each one to be comfortable contributing and receiving things from the family and, at the same time, having their own space to develop life as an individual.

2. Assertiveness is the best prevention tool

Being assertive people makes it possible for us to communicate disagreements and disagreeing opinions at the right time, without letting, at the cost of not being expressed for fear of generating discomfort or discussions, end up accumulating discomfort until it generates explosions of frustration and anger.

• Related article: "Assertiveness: 5 basic habits to improve communication"

3. It is important to respect generational differences

Many people, by dint of relating only to people their own age, end up not knowing how to connect with those belong to other generations, assuming that they have interests, tastes and political and moral positions inadequate.

This creates a gap that makes honest and direct communication difficult., which gives rise, for example, to many fathers and mothers ending up limiting their conversations with children to bombard them with questions about objective facts about their behavior: What have you done today? What career will you choose? When are you looking for a boyfriend? Thus, there is no deepening of the feelings, concerns or priorities of that person, and as a consequence, young people become defensive in the face of that attitude that they perceive as police.

Therefore, it is important to have conversations that are not limited to asking trivial questions, and in which each one not only questions, but also contributes and is willing to learn from the other.

4. Criticism should always be made directly and constructively.

It is very harmful to criticize behind the back of the other; not only because it causes discomfort in the interlocutor and does not serve to provide solutions, but also because it generates an atmosphere of mistrust in the family. This should be replaced by constructive criticism or, if what we don't like is an unimportant detail, even by silence.

• You may be interested: "How to give constructive criticism: 11 simple and effective tips"

Are you interested in having professional psychological assistance?

If you are looking for professional help from a psychologist trained in managing personal relationships and the emotions linked to them, contact me.

My name is Javier Ares and I am a psychologist specializing in the field of clinical psychology. I work dealing with problems such as low self-esteem, family conflicts, excess anxiety and stress, depressed mood, and couple crises, among others. You can count on my assistance both in person and in the format of online therapy by video call.