How to overcome a couple breakup from the improvement of our self-esteem

Couple breakups are, in most cases, an emotionally painful experience, even if we are the person who has decided to end that relationship; That is why there are not a few people who decide to attend psychotherapy a few weeks after having gone through it.

However, something that is often overlooked is that these kinds of experiences are not just something that makes us feel bad and that we must resign ourselves to going through when this circumstance occurs; it is also an experience from which we can learn and that can even provide us with elements to grow as people and relate better to ourselves. Therefore, here we will talk about how we can make the process of overcoming a couple breakup also a process of improving self-esteem.

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What is the relationship between relationships and self-esteem?

Let's start by defining the concept of self-esteem. Self-esteem is the combination of thought patterns that They lead us to see ourselves in a certain way and to feel in a specific way with that conception of the "I".

that we create in our mind from it. In other words, self-esteem is the combination of ideas and beliefs from which we compose a image of our own identity, and the set of emotions and feelings that we associate with that identity. Therefore, it has a part that can be expressed in words, and another that is emotional in nature and only directly experienced by ourselves.

How does our self-esteem interact with the fact of experiencing a relationship? Through these psychological processes:

• The relationship as a couple reorders our priorities and our values ​​(to adapt to life in common with another person important to us).
• Our self-esteem is nourished by the comparisons we make between our actions and the values ​​we have as a reference.
• The fact of living together or interacting a lot with our partner makes the vision that they have of us influence how we see ourselves, giving us ideas, observations about how we look and how we behave, etc.
• Life as a couple leads us to adopt a lifestyle that is somewhat different from the one we would lead if we did not we had a partner, and this way of living influences what we do and what we learn about ourselves themselves.

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A psychological bond with a lot of potential

As we have seen, self-esteem is not a psychological element that arises in us in isolation from what surrounds us; it is the fruit of a process of interaction between us and the rest of the world, and in which the most important to us, the ideas that we have internalized through education, the information transmitted through the mass media and internet etc And of course that implies that our partner relationships also have a significant effect on how we see ourselves and how we feel about our own identity, for better or worse.

In this way, the fact of having a partner who gives us their support, helps us to be aware of our qualities positive and makes us see how we can learn from our mistakes, it will be a factor that balances our self-esteem.

And, on the contrary, if we get involved in a harmful relationship, the constant exposure to that type of unfair criticism and/or the influence of someone who only highlights our imperfections and not our achievements, it will also make us too harsh when it comes to valuing ourselves.

Not to mention the cases in which authentic psychological abuse takes place over months or years, something that produces havoc on people's mental health: for example, attempts at emotional manipulation through what is known What gas lighting leads many victims to question their own ability to understand what is happening around them on a daily basis (something that is taken advantage of by the abuser to feed a dependency dynamic and always have the authority in the relationship).

But fortunately, the existence of that connection between self-esteem and relationships means that even when you've gotten out of a very damaging courtship or marriage, we can take advantage of the crisis caused by the rupture to rebuild the way in which we see and value ourselves... Even coming to enjoy a more balanced and stable self-esteem than the one we had before starting that relationship. Let's see what are the psychological pillars on which this process is based.

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The keys to improving self-esteem after a breakup

These are the main ideas from which psychotherapy is based to help people who, in addition to being going through a bad time because of a breakup, they feel how their self-esteem is in a state of vulnerability.

1. More space to build our own narrative of what happened

The rupture makes it easier to elaborate our own interpretation of what we have experienced, without constantly exposing ourselves to the other person's opinions and points of view (which do not have to be wrong, but start from a frame of reference and values ​​different from ours). This helps you to better understand our own actions, our emotions and feelings present both in the relationship and in the breakup, and be more understanding with ourselves.

But we must bear in mind that the simple fact of not having a partner and having time will not ensure that we take advantage of this potential; strategies and self-knowledge exercises must be applied, such as the routine of taking notes in an emotion diary.

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2. A renewed appreciation for the here and now

Breaking up a couple means losing the participation of an important person for us in our day to day, at least as we had it planned during the time that the relationship. However, this also means that we have more time for ourselves and, specifically, to connect with the present moment without being subject to the tensions of certain plans for the future as a couple, certain expectations and requirements for life together to be sustainable, etc.

This helps us to re-tune with our interests and develop skills and hobbies that allow us to better see what we are good at, but also allows us to take advantage of this stage to stop thinking so much about the future and understand how we got to that moment, which allows us to learn from mistakes, instead of just suffering their consequences without understanding what it happens.

In this sense, Mindfulness is a very valuable resource., because it helps us to focus our attention on the present moment, letting go of recurring thoughts, worries that we have been feeding involuntarily for days or weeks, and helps us focus on what is happening to us without giving it more importance than it really has. This process of psychological "reset" helps us to face our problems and needs in a much more constructive way.

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3. It gives us the opportunity to stop feeling so vulnerable by learning from mistakes.

Even if we have been through a damaging relationship, this post-breakup phase helps us look back and identify those “red flags” that were associated with the problematic behavior of the other person and/or ourselves; signs that what was happening was only making the relationship worse. The fact of knowing that we are able to identify these beginnings in their first manifestations and prevent their influence can be experienced as a personal breakthrough (and in many cases makes us aware that we are more prepared to meet other people).

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4. Noticing how we are able to process discomfort is in itself a booster for self-esteem

Although at first it is very common to feel strong anguish and vertigo at noticing that this relationship has come to an end, the fact realizing how we are able to face and manage this discomfort is, if we do it right, an experience of improving self-esteem: what seemed impossible before has become something that we have integrated into our identity and that, although it can cause some pain during the first months, we know that we are getting better and better accept it and incorporate it into our memories, which is a sign of our ability to cope crisis.

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Do you want to overcome a break from professional psychological support?

If you want to start a process of psychological therapy to turn the page after a painful breakup of couple or to overcome any other form of emotional discomfort, I invite you to get in touch with me.

I am a psychologist with more than 12 years of professional experience in the sector, and I offer individualized sessions in person or online by video call. In addition, we can also work from the 8-week MBSR Mindfulness courses to improve self-esteem and self-leadership.