María Hernández Mendoza: «Grief is not a linear process»

The duel that we suffer after losing something or someone important to us is a painful experience whose feelings and emotions cannot be fully expressed through words.

However, this does not mean that this experience is something totally private and individual, something that begins and ends at the limits of our heads. What is around us influences (and is influenced by) grief, and specifically, our family has a very important role in this regard.

That is precisely what we will talk about María Hernández Mendoza, expert in family therapy, who in this interview will address with us the issue of grief and families.

• Related article: "Family therapy: types and forms of application"

Interview with María Hernández Mendoza: how to deal with any mourning by family members

María Hernández Mendoza is a social worker expert in the application of systemic family therapy, and she is part of the management team of the Moma Family Care Center, an entity specialized in caring for families and in intervening in cases of psychological mourning. In this interview we talk with her about the experience of psychological grief in the family context.

What exactly is a grieving process?

Grief is an emotional process that people go through after some kind of loss; This process requires a personal elaboration to be able to adapt to a new situation that is being presented to us.

It is a fact that we will have to face often throughout our lives due to our condition as mortals and the different stages of life. It is not a linear or static process, since there can be ups and downs and the reaction of each person is difficult to foresee.

Could it be said that mourning consists of an effort to adapt to a reality in which something or someone that was part of our identity is no longer there?

Exactly, that's right. The paradigms that defined our reality have changed, something or someone we loved or felt attached to no longer is, so it will take us a while to assimilate the situation, having to go through a path sometimes painful.

Human beings are creatures of habit, and the changes that life brings affect us greatly. We are afraid that life will challenge us, because we tend to want to be in control of everything. We like security and certainty.

Do you think it is a mistake to assume that grief is basically an individual phenomenon, that it concerns a person and their own emotions?

If we considered this phenomenon as something only private and individual, we would be simplifying it; it is true that the individual has to carry out the process in his own way and using his own resources, but we must not forget that as social beings who we are we need the support and validation of others, who also sometimes feel affected to a greater or lesser extent by what we it happens.

It must be remembered that many duels are accompanied by a series of rites, such as funerals or other types of celebrations, and that are characterized by their connotation and social recognition.

How can family dynamics facilitate or complicate a grieving process?

As in many other situations in life, the family can exert a great influence both in the positive and in the negative sense. The support of the family can mean a lot when it comes to overcoming a loss: it can be an environment that provides protection and warmth, in a way that cushions the feelings that each person is experiencing while being a medium in which we are allowed express ourselves without fear of embarrassment, it also offers us company, simply the fact of feeling accompanied already has an effect therapeutic.

There are studies that show the relationship between receiving love and the improvement of health problems, which indicates that loved ones already have a protection factor.

Finally, it keeps us grounded in reality, as it reminds us of our daily routines and chores, a circumstance that is very positive for redirecting our daily lives.

In the event that we are part of a family and do not feel that support or protection, we could have the feeling of being more isolated and there may be a greater tendency to develop physical symptoms or psychoemotional.

In addition to the loss of loved ones due to death, what other types of grief are more common among those that affect the whole family?

The loss of a job, especially when it affects the economic situation of the family group, can be relevant. Also the appearance of a serious or disabling illness in one of the members usually influences in a striking way, especially if the losses occur unexpectedly, because the adaptation process has to be carried out in a short time weather. In the latter case, family members tend to turn to the patient, which often has repercussions on other facets of family life.

Another common grieving situation is the one that occurs after breakup of a romantic relationship or friendship.

What are the most useful strategies or key ideas that a family can start from to overcome a grief?

A family in these circumstances must allow its members to express their feelings, of course, channeling them appropriately, without aggressiveness and without prejudging or restricting anyone. When that expression occurs, each person lives it in their own way, each one is unique when facing the events of life. The fact of cry more does not mean that person is weaker.

Space must be given when needed and clothed when necessary, there will be moments of solitude and others of accompaniment, if we do not know how to distinguish them, just ask. Some people need more physical contact than others and we must respect that difference.

The most important is know how to listen, be available, not so much give advice or try to encourage at all costs. Avoid set phrases, if we don't know what to say, simply "I don't know what to tell you" is valid. Instead of expressing "how can I help you?" or "call me if you need anything", it is better to take action and offer concrete help that we see is necessary, for example: bring prepared food or taking care of picking up the children or carrying out procedures for which the person is not qualified at that time, because it is often difficult for us to ask for what he does to us lack.

Support each other, even when the worst is over (which will be when the people around us are less invested in us), and be pending the behavior signals of the other members, especially of the children who usually have fewer tools to face these situations. Take care of yourself and others both physically and emotionally.

It is important knowing how to ask for professional help if we observe that, after a reasonable time, any member is unable to resume their daily activities, their normal routine or engages in risky behavior for themselves or others. In this case, and through cognitive-behavioral techniques, among others, we work in a personalized way with the patient throughout the therapeutic process.

Likewise, it would be convenient to go to specialists if we detect that the duel lasts longer than would be expected, since we could be facing a pathological duel, the key to distinguish it is the impression that the person has been stuck in last.