Toxic relationships with the mother: its 3 psychological consequences

It has long been known, through various investigations in Psychology and Social Sciences in general, that no human being is innately "programmed" to need to go through a nurturing process with a woman acting as mother.

Despite the fact that centuries of beliefs based on sexism have been instilling in us the idea that "the natural thing" is to have a mother, this does not correspond to reality; That is why, among other things, there is no problem with the adoption of boys and girls by men.

Now, the fact that we are not biologically predisposed to need a mother does not imply that gender roles do not influence our development during childhood and later life. adolescence, and that is why, in many ways, it is still relatively normal for little ones to expect certain things from their mothers, and not so much from the rest of the world. people. But… What happens when this mother-child relationship becomes toxic? What are its psychological consequences?

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The psychological influence of “toxic mothers”

As I mentioned in the previous section, in the human mind there is no "natural" rule that establishes that the figure of the mother is much more important than the rest; however, culturally this has been the case for centuries, at least in Western society. In part, the fictions that we build through the beliefs that we internalize give rise to a reality based on expectations and assigned roles. And this often makes us forget that these ideas are human inventions that have been passed from generation to generation.

The fact that for a long time the concept of "woman" has been closely linked to that of "rearing" has supposed an evident pressure on the mothers of practically the entire planet, and a limitation of their freedoms. But this has not been the only damaging effect of these sexist dynamics.

Furthermore, the connection between the idea of ​​femininity and that of forced motherhood has made it, when for any reason, the mother behaves in a harmful way with her sons or daughters, these suffer especially the influence of this kind of experiences. Even if the rest of the family members are a very good influence, if the mother is not, this can make the well-being of the little ones in the house suffers a very hard blow, since almost all the responsibility of raising them is concentrated in a single person.

Let's see, then, what are the main ways in which having a toxic relationship with our mother can affect us emotionally or even leave psychological sequels that last until death. adulthood.

1. May lead to the development of a dysfunctional attachment style

In childhood, boys and girls develop what is known as attachment: a way of internalizing attitudes and emotions associated with the presence of other people. Attachment arises from the interaction with the reference figures, who are usually the parents (often giving special importance to the mother, for what we have seen before); Taking into account how that relationship with dad and/or mom goes, they get used to reacting in one way or another to their presence or absence. And later, they apply that framework of interpretation of what happens to the rest of the relationships.

If fathers and mothers provide their children with a correct balance between protection and freedom to interact with the environment and learn on their own, the attachment style that the child develops will be appropriate and adaptable to many circumstances.

But if the little one learns that he cannot trust the protective capacity of the father or mother, or if he sees that this is sometimes satisfactory and other times very unsatisfactory, will develop problematic attachment styles: You may get used to always depending on reference figures, or, on the contrary, be indifferent to their presence. And as the years go by, this is reflected in the personality of that child, adolescent or adult and in their way of relating to others. others, whether or not they are family members: there will be a greater tendency to avoid commitments at all costs, or to generate bonds based on dependency emotional etc

In this sense, those who have gone through a childhood strongly marked by gender roles and have felt the influence of a toxic relationship with their mother, will probably internalize the idea that they can't be safe with anyone, that no context is safe, given that they did not enjoy that sense of safety under the care of who was supposed to take care of all their physical and emotional needs in the early years of lifetime.

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2. Can lead to an obsession with fitting into gender roles

It is relatively common for those who in their childhood were raised by a mother with behaviors toxic, develop an obsession with fitting in with what is expected of them according to the roles of gender. This is due, among other things, to the fact that they explain the discomfort they suffered in their childhood and/or adolescence as a sample of the chaos that occurs if a reference figure (in this case, the mother) does not fit her role, what is expected of her.

The difference between what is expected and what is experienced in relation to his mother causes his attention to be focused on that comparison., and as a consequence, they have that “mold” of the genre very present when deciding what to do at any given moment, also as a way of distancing themselves from those painful experiences of their past.

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3. In some cases, trauma

In the most extreme cases, the influence of a toxic relationship with the mother can lead to traumas of intense symptomatology; when this happens, the person suffers for years anxiety attacks that occur when evoking certain memories, as well as “flashback” episodes in which painful experiences are relived in a very vivid way (as if they were taking place in the present). It is a type of frequent psychological alteration when abuse has been suffered, without the need for physical violence.

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My name is Caroline Marin and I am a General Health Psychologist federated by the Spanish Federation of Associations of Psychotherapists and a member of the Spanish Association for Research and Development of Family Therapy. I work serving the adult and adolescent population, also intervening in the areas of family and couples therapy. I offer face-to-face and online sessions by video call.